Am I the worst daughter in law?!

She is the mother of her husband. Grandmother of her children. Her life collapsed because she lost her own husband. Its her family now and she does need to suck it up in my eyes. You can think different. If your husband dies i hope your kids give you more than 4 months to mourn before they start putting boundaries in place because you are around too much…

4 months is an incredibly short time limit to thrust upon someone recently widowed. And yes, cruel in my opinion too. But I am not you, we collectively have no idea how you and your DH are coping in this and we can only tell you our one sided opinion. You have to make the call for you, we can’t do that.

When you are sitting i front of the TV on your own in the evening - the reality and loneliness kicks in. During the day, she is busy and can talk to people - the evening and bed time brings it all home.

4 months is no time at all, the first few weeks until the funeral are a blur, then there is the will and legal sides. As tht dies down the relaity sets in.

I get you want some space - maybe your DP suggests an evening activity she could take up - group to join. She will be getting to that stage soon but seriously 4 months is nothing.

I’m with OP entirely. and I really haven’t seen the attitudes on here in real life. Quite a few of my friends have lost in laws and they have checked on them and visited weekly or perhaps twice a week. Working full time with kids you need down time and the bereaved person needs to get used to their new life and routine.
my dad passed away a few months ago and I visit my mum twice a week, she sees friends once a week too so she has some days where she doesn’t see anyone. She is coping fine.

No, she doesn’t need to suck it up.

Not every woman exists to be in servitude to her MIL.

You're certainly not heartless to want a bit more space - but being too rigid about it is probably not fair at this point. For most families this would be a lot.

I disagree with pp, you have provided 4 months of near constant support, you’ve done your bit.

If DH wants to visit her he can go but you should stop going unless you want to, OP.

Hands on heart, if you lost your dad, would your DH accompany you to your mum’s house 4 times a week? I doubt it.

People expect too much of women. Please prioritise yourself and your child now and tell DH you’re not going more than once a week or even less .

Oh and a little bit of advice. One way to damage your relationship with your husband and his mother and possibly even extended family is to set boundaries at this early stage. You will end up being painted as the villain and you will struggle to make your way back from that. You are going to have to either make yourself scarce to find some solitude or suck it up for the time being.

I agree that you need to stop treating her visits like an event. She just wants company and I’m sure she’d be delighted if she could just sit at the kitchen table or sit on the couch as life happened around her.

This. Talk to her. Explain that you have many other commitments, and need to spend some time elsewhere. Discuss other things she might do to fill hers.

@Commonsenseisnotsocommon but then OP would be angry about her husband spending time out of the house no doubt. OP needs to just relax a bit

I wonder if those people saying maybe it’s time to move on a bit have not actually lost a parent/significant yet? Those of us who unfortunately have are more in the ‘it’s too soon’ camp?

Yes it must be very difficult for her and I'm suggesting still helping but her son could go to hers more often and help there, cook her meals, do jobs to help out and it also starts to give the op some space. I think that is reasonable.

It’s often around three to six months when the reality of the bereavement really hits and by then a lot of the support and sympathy has dried up.

I think you need to try and keep up the support level a bit longer and then phase it down more slowly.

It's probably more emotionally draining for the woman who has suddenly lost her life partner. You only get one family so helping them shouldn't be a massive burden.

I think that whilst it's all very recent for her, you are also needing your home back and needing to be able to relax. Can't dh go there more often and they can sit in her house together? He can cook her dinner or do jobs to help her there and it allows you to have the space you need in your own home. It's emotionally draining for you as a dil to have to keep hosting but also having to revisiting the topic endlessly in what should be your sanctuary after a busy day.

I also think it's a bit soon to withdraw some of the support you've been giving your MIL, but perhaps now is the time for her to fit in with your family, so if you're in pjs after work, you're in pjs. Your husband/you get to do your hobbies, and you go to planned events. Don't set times to go and see her/have her come to you, as it sets a precedent.

Just stop "hosting" and start living with her just slotting in? She is lonely and bereaved.

It is honestly the worst feeling abject grief. When I lost my mum unexpectedly and in a v traumatic way I stopped eating- didn't notice, but DH just kept trying to shove food at me. Stooped cooking, didn't notice but DH picked up the pieces I lost a stone in two weeks. I couldn't' sleep or function and developed a sleeping tablet dependence. It was hell. I would start crying without noticing. It was trauma. In giant neon letters.

The aftermath, it took me about 6 months to start to function again like normal but I was needy and low and leant on friends and family.

So stop "hosting" and start living with her, go about your life.

Four months is no time at all when you've spent your entire life with someone.

My aunt recently lost her husband after 60 years of marriage. She's at our house everyday and to be honest I expect that'll continue until she is no longer physically able.

Does she get lonely in the evening? It must be very strange if they had been married for a very long time .
I agree with others , maybe be a bit more relaxed when she comes around . Just get on with your normal evening plans .
Make her a cuppa and let her just ve around you all for company.

Or if you need time alone or with ds then go to another part if the house . And let your dh keep her company.

I lost my Dad just after Christmas, totally unexpectedly, so about 9 months ago. My mum is on her own, she spent 50 years with my Dad. My brother and I have adapted, unfortunately I live 4 hours drive away so I ring twice a day every day and visit for about a week every 6-8 weeks. My brother lives 5 mins away and popped in every day until about a month ago but still goes in about 4 times a week for a cuppa. We have arranged with someone she knows very well and loves to do cleaning once a week and this has been a godsend. Someone else we know pops in once a week for a cuppa and chat. That’s all my mum sees every week. I could not imagine making her see or hear from us less even now but 4 months in is still extremely raw.
Do other siblings visit? Can there be a kind of rota set up so she sees someone nearly every day? Some at her house, some at a sibling, some at yours? We found structure really helped as my Mum would know when to get ready to see people etc.
A bereavement is the toughest thing, I am still nowhere near where I was 9 months ago, I miss my Dad every single day, I’m sure your MIL feels the same.

I'm also going to go against the grain and say that after 4 months it is reasonable for you to want to start reducing the support you are offering.

Obviously there is a massive hole in her life. She feels sad and lonely at times. She's not used to being alone of an evening. Her instinct is to fill that gap with other people so that she can avoid being on her own but actually that isn't entirely helpful. Part of the grieving process is learning to live differently. It does take time but I think 4 months is a reasonable time for you to start changing the type of support you can give.

Why do you have to 'host" your mil? If she lives close enough to pop in so many times a week why aren't you able to just pop your pjs on and potter about? What is it that she is actually wanting? Just to be around you guys or to not be alone? I wouldn't change plans and I would be firm on that but otherwise I wouldn't begrudge her company. My mil is my other mum though and can come over as often as she wants. I don't stop doing my chores or routine with the kids and mine just pitches in.

Can you drop the pressure on yourself re hosting? If you generally have a good relationship and MIL just needs company, it may mean the world to her just to be able to sit in your house even if you're just watching TV, playing with DS or getting on with your own thing, and surely you don't need to join every visit to hers. Has she found any form of widows group or bereavement counselling to help her get back on her feet gradually long term? Does DH have siblings or aunts/uncles he could work out a rota with while she needs daily support?