Am I the worst daughter in law?!

So if your husband told you he doesn’t want to visit your mum 4 x a week you’d leave him?

I am single

God, I think you are a SAINT. I would have left it to DH long before now. You must be exhausted. I think she is being very unreasonable.

@angeldelite you're looking at this as if it's a sexist issue. I will never, EVER marry someone who expects me to abandon my family. My dad is (sadly) approaching the end of his life and if someone told me that after four months I had to draw a boundary with my mum I'd leave them.

God lord I’d be tearing my hair out hosting by MIL twice a week let alone more.
I loved the PPs suggestion of leaving the washing up for her. I think it shows we have different MILs and different relationships. Mine would never consider doing anything other than hinting I’m a disgusting slob if she saw unwashed dishes!
we don’t know your MIL. We don’t know if the wailing down the phone is a performance or genuine grief or a mix.
good luck op! I don’t envy you this mess. X

Did your husband visit your dad with you 4 x a week after 4 months?

4 months is so soon to start boundarying/ dropping support. I think this is very unfair to be honest. When my mum died I visited my dad daily. Live your life, don't stand on ceremony as if you are hosting but let her come and join you and your family even if you are in PJs and watching tv.

Why not ‘allow’ OP to do how much she wants?

She is the best judge of how much she can support, not MNers.

@angeldelite those are choices OP has made. As everyone has told her, she should not start inviting her MIL to be with them while they relax. She might even find herself growing close to her MIL, which is allowed!

Me too. My Dm was devastated after my DF died - they’d been happily married for 48 years. But she certainly didn’t expect anything like such frequent attention. She lived 60 miles away and for some time I would go maybe once a week, and sometimes stay the night. She would come to us now and then, but it was easier for her the other way around.

A couple of times a week is really the most she can expect. She needs to join some things and make friends. This is not being hard hearted it's common sense.

Why does women being kind mean making endless meals and teas and coffees?

Do you think OP’s DH will be cooking and making teas for OP’s mum if her dad dies?

OP has done plenty for 4 months. It’s time to dial it back.

It's too soon to reduce support, it's only been a few months since her loss.

I think you just have to accept this year (at least!) to be a terrible, stressful and upside down kind of year tbh. A core member of your husband's family (which is your family) has passed. It's one of the sad and difficult periods of life. But won't be forever.

And I wouldn't see her crying as 'guilt tripping' I'm sure she's just genuinely upset.

@angeldelite it's called being a kind and caring person. She is part of MIL's family now.

I'm sorry if you think I'm prying here but how did your FiL pass away? Was it age, or a long term illness or something quite unexpected and sudden?

If someone passes away after a long term illness or from old age, it's likely that their partner has prepared, somewhat, for their passing. They know it's coming and can mentally make themselves ready. It's more shocking when it's unexpected and sudden - it doesn't make it any easier though for those loved ones dealing with the grief.

Regardless of the above, your MiL is probably getting to grips with her home being a lot quieter than previously, that she doesn't have company to talk with at the end of the day and she is missing her partner in life. She turns to her kids (even though they have family of their own now) for that company and conversation.

I'd recommend trying to find a grief counsellor for her so that she can in time settle herself in to a new routine. I do think you should let her come over to spend time with you, with her son, with her grandchildren but I would return to your routine and she can start fitting in around that.

Four months of 4 x visits a week to MIL’s house is more than enough. It’s time to start tailing it down, starting with going down to 1 x visit a week. DH, her actual son, can go more often if wants.

You are placing too much responsibility on women.

Reducing visits to twice a week is perfectly reasonable! Especially, as you say, it’s been 4 months and she has other support.

If you are close family I wood act she’s shes one f my household, be in my pjs, easy dinners, say help yourself t tea/coffee

@itsjustbiology that doesn't make it any less painful or upsetting for those that have lost someone.

No its not. Its factual and realistic. Death comes to all of us and if we are lucky we outlive our parents. I am sure most of us would accept that our parents would naturally die before us in our lifetime.

It’s too soon OP to expect her to be ok . If you haven’t lost someone close to you yet though you can’t be expected to really understand .

I phoned DF daily after DM died . Visits not that regular as 5 hours away ! He only survived 18 months - I was still phoning him daily though he had started to become a bit more independent and trying to get out and about on his own socialising about 3 months before .

You don’t have to put on a show and entertain her - she probably just doesn’t want to be alone - if you have your PJs on that’s fine

"It is what it is", what a horrid thing to say

YABslightlyU. When all the dust settles and reality kicks in is probably when it hits the hardest. 4 months is nothing and as everyone has said its his dad he's also grieving. Its different for everyone at different life stages. You don't need to accompany DH everytime - let him deal with his mum but don't guilt him when he does so.

You're not the worst DiL OP. I'm sure you'll get responses from people demonstrating they are much 'worse' than you by telling you she's not your responsibility, tell her no, she's an adult and so on. You are trying your best and are questioning your feelings which makes you a good person. As for what is 'right' here, I think its about balance. Its only 4 months in, so in order to do right by a very recently bereaved woman, I think some inconvenience is inevitable, but it needs to be at a level that's not too disruptive to your life so it impacts your wellbeing, and needs to be a temporary dependency rather than the new normal for your relationship going forward. So I'd suggest you try to take back some control over when the visits happen. Maybe next time she's there say, "what day shall we see you this week MiL? If I know when you're coming I can plan around it". If your DH objects then I'd be suggesting he visited her more as an alternative.

I do not think you are being unreasonable here OP. When my father died I did, as you are doing, step up more to help my mum.I shoved all my stuff to the side and bent over backwards often meeting myself coming back to be there for her. All of that is what I would have naturally expected to do and didnt mind at al. Except its not just me who was run off their feet, I neglected my dh, my kids, my life and its all too much after a while.It is an impossible situation for you but I guess my advice is your DH needs to do the majority of the load here, its his mum and you need to be sorting you and your family out. There does come a time and as cold hearted as this sounds , when you MIL has to face reality and adjust. This is after all a natural progression in lifes order. It is how it should be, parents die first its to be expected, of course no one is ever ready for that day but in the grand scheme of life it is what it is. I think you need to step back and let DH step up more. You sound like a good DIL to me and you should not feel guilty in anyway. If your MIL is a sensible woman she will recognise this too.