Am I the worst daughter in law?!

It seems MN is always against the MIL, even though it is absolutely normal for her to be grieving and to be needing her family. Sad.

Yes, quite.

Perhaps MIL could be aware of that also, being an adult, and be aware of her own emotions and that her son might be grieving as much as her, and may also have other things going on in his life now.

Bloody hell, if ever I am this position of the MIL I would be supporting my DC and grieving with them not expecting their attention and focus and analysis of my every emotion and remark, particularly not of my DIL and not when there is another actual daughter nearby.

And yet she’s fine when she’s with others.

It’s only when she needs hosting by her DIL (and not her daughter) that she feels a million emotions that throw her off it seems.

Surely as an adult you'll be aware of how grief affects people though and that maybe, MIL is sad and scared and feeling a million emotions?

No that is not what I bloody well said.

I wouldn't expect a child of mine to analyse every reaction let alone an in-law.

FFS.

"Why on earth should OP have to care about her MIL's feelings after a huge bereavement" is essentially what you've just said. She's family. You care for family.

"@angeldelite or she had been expecting something in her mind and when it didn't come to fruition, it shocked her and it threw her emotions off"

Why on earth should the OP have to give it this much headspace?

@angeldelite or she had been expecting something in her mind and when it didn't come to fruition, it shocked her and it threw her emotions off?

I know from grieving my nan that it changes you fundamentally as a person. I can only imagine how that feels when it's your life partner.

It is if she’s fine other wise and only starts crying when she doesn’t get her own way.

And telling Op when she was post partum that her hosting has slipped is horrible.

So that is your boundary OP. Let her bitch about your PJs or your lack of "hosting". If you overhear it, just say kindly "I know we're not in our Sunday best but this is how we are on a Wednesday night and we love having you here with us".

@angeldelite a grieving woman crying is hardly surprising is it?

It was apparent in the Op that the MIL does manipulate the situation:

If we don't immediately drop plans or allow her to visit when it suits her she starts crying on the phone to guilt trip DH.

So you've come back after hundreds of posts sympathising with your MIL and suddenly she's an awful person!

OP, I really feel for you. Bereavement doesn’t make people nicer.

Your DH and MIL are clearly using you as labour.

Please put your foot down.

Take a step back.

This.

I agree with others saying to let her into your usual routine; just letting her be with you all in a normal family routine is probably really helping her. Would you feel differently if were your mother? Imagine yourself in her shoes - you’d want to be welcome at your son’s home for as long you needed, wouldn’t you? Unless she’s a MIL from hell, be extra kind with her at the moment. I bet she’ll really appreciate it a few months down the line

Go easy on her. One day in the future it could be you in this situation. As others have said, don't stand on ceremony and 'host', just let her be there as part of the family. She might even start looking after you a bit. Give her time to adjust to this new life and it will pay dividends for you in the longrun.

This is very insightful.

I think it’s telling that MIL functions fine with other people when her son and OP are at work.

It’s time to start dialing back because otherwise MIL will take this as the new normal and also ask to move in.

I read once that grief is raw for a month per year of the relationship, so 4mths is very early days, assuming a long and happy marriage!
Just go about your business, surely you don't need to be “hosting” MIL just wants company I expect.

Thank the Lord I am Asian. We take in a widowed mum, or a mum-in-law the moment they lost their spouse and they stay as long as they want. My husband is British but now even he sees what a normal family is. You welcome your bereaved relatives, even cousins and allow them to stay with you to recover. You shove the little ones into one bedroom, or into your bedroom, or into a living room, but you do not let a bereaved person close to you to go mental in an empty house where everything reminds them of the deceased. Your children will learn the real meaning of the word compassion - when you share the grief, and the bathroom, as opposed to 'supporting' by vising or organising a carer for them.

My MIL is always at my BIL’s house, his wife just goes about her business, if she needs to go out she’ll go out etc. MIL would help with the children when they were little and put on washing etc and now she’s just like part of the furniture. My SIL doesn’t seem to mind her there. My lifestyle is different so MIL doesn’t come to me much.

Not in my case. Having lost both my PIL and both my parents in the last decade, as well as a BIL and a SIL, I am sadly well acquainted with grief. I stand by my comments.

This is just part of life. Supporting family through tough life events is just part of being in a family. But get in your Pjs and do whatever you would be doing anyway. I'm sure she doesn't expect you to host her, she likely just wants to be surrounded by family.