Am I the worst daughter in law?!

I think you’re right!

Edited to say: Oops I just saw that the OP did in fact come back🫣 soz OP!

Agreed. It’s sad and unfair even when the mil has done nothing wrong.

Well, MIL didn't show much care to the OP when she commented how OP had let things slide when she was still postpartum.

OP is happy to host her twice a week but she expects to come round every day. She also has 2 daughters, one of which lives even closer to MIL than OP and her DH but she doesn't expect this daughter to provide this level of support as she has a baby which is the same age as OP's baby.

When I lost my husband (of 50 years) in Feb 2021 we were still in a semi lockdown. I have three daughters and for around 4-5 months they cakked me regularly in the evenings. One called me every day for two years. One of my granddaughters also called me on a regular basis. It's hard. I was quite an I dependent person and still carried on, but evenings are harder. I used to have to leave the lights on if I went out at night for at least a year. I couldn't stand coming home to a dark and empty house. Don't Host her even if she wants you to. It might put her off. It's not fair on you to be always the one she goes to she can go to her daughter sometimes too.

I will never understand how people take those spiteful comments on board and try harder. My response would be to make a point of not hosting because fuck her and her digs. Why the eff are you trying harder and why is dh even passing on these comments instead of telling her to mind her own business and looking for ways to support you if things are indeed "sliding". Oh, wait, is it because he is a mummies boy and benefits from you working harder to please her? Yes, that might be it.

I'm not digging at you OP, but fucking hell, how are you not just crying in a puddle with the expectations they are placing on your shoulders? It's not on..

I'm finding some of these posts really patronising, if I'm honest. I'm glad that people didn't treat me as if I was a pathetic delicate little flower, when I lost my husband.

I appreciated the kindness and the empathy that I got from friends and family, and the invitations to visit, but I'm glad they treated me like they always had, as me, not as someone they had to pat on the head.

Get the message that 4 times a week is too much and she’s interrupting - yes. My own mother wouldn’t dream of being a burden. Grief is horrible and hard, but she’s being far too much. If she wants to be around family that’s fair enough, but people, particularly those with kids cannot bend over backwards indefinitely. If she wants to be at their home, she’ll need to slot in, not be entertained by her daughter in law.

It’s still early days and she is bereft. Be gentle with her for now.
However, in time, encourage her to take small steps to independence. Joining clubs with likeminded people etc.

It’s seven years since my dad died and I’ve had to put boundaries in place with my mum because she essentially wanted far more than I could give. She’s in good health physically but relied very heavily on my dad for company and expected me to fill that gap, which is impossible as I work full time and have a young family, as do my siblings. I ran rings around myself trying to make her happy when, in truth, it’s her husband she wants and nothing I do will ever be enough. The constant neediness, years after dad died, was draining the life out of me.

Thank the lord lm not Asian. If my husband moved his mother in then l would move out. He feels very much the same about my mother. Very different lifestyles and life stages

And in so doing remind her that she’s very much alone. Very sensitive.

Maybe do exactly what you want. Get in your pyjamas and watch telly in bed with your ds. she’ll soon get the message!

Evenings and night time are the hardest time for a newly bereaved person. The lack of company is a hollow ache that fills those hours.
It sounds like during the day she can cope, but not the evenings.

It IS early days ( my parents had shared their lives for 50 years before my dad passed). It sounds like other family are filling g her daytime and you've become the evening support.

Time to change up the routine. Perhaps DH calls in and she cooks dinner for him once a week, perhaps you take her to yoga with you, or book club or the pictures...

I know that this initially seems more work than the 3/4 visits a week. However, encouraging her to cook again, pick up a hobby or interest or weekly evening meeting will 'get her back out there' - in the world with other people. Doing things. Filling her life with other people and interests so she gradually becomes less dependent on you both for company. Fo it gently and with good grace. One day your children may need to do the same for you.

Honestly even if it was my mother (and personally my mother and I have been in this situation) I would be acutely aware my DH likes my mother but he doesn't like her enough to host her 4 days a week indefinitely.

If I saw my DM that much we would start to hate each other too.

And even grieving my DM was conscious like other posters have been of the fact I was grieving, working and so on.

In the early days we talked about her moving near me. It never happened and now we are both pleased it didn't as it forced my DM out to social groups and she is now very busy with her friends.

immediately after I lost my husband I had quite a few "come and stay" invitations. To me that would have been hell. I was much better mostly on my own.

And several posters have pointed out that four months into her bereavement the tears are more likely down to how she’s feeling rather than manipulation. Four months is very early into the grieving process and if you’re feeling lonely being told no you can’t visit can seem very harsh.

This.

I absolutely agree with handing over the reins more to DH, but gently, your thinking now on how you would handle your own grief at the loss of your partner, is a world away from how you would be if/when it actually happens.

I can see both perspectives. You want and deserve quality time within your own little family unit. For your MIL the loss is incredibly raw and she is leaning gratefully into the support you're offering and probably really appreciates that she can just pop in and is relieved to have this at such a raw time.

When you say the stress falls to you, does that mean that she pops round more when you're in but DH is out?
Do more of the hosting duties fall to you than to DH?
If so, then I think it's reasonable to talk to DH about this and about shifting the burden further towards him.

As you haven't mentioned it, I'm assuming it's not his DF who has died? If it was then of course that changes things again as he will also need a lot of support right now.

I would definitely have a word with DH about cutting down the hobbies to do more of the supporting of his DM if you're ending up hosting her while he's busy with other things.

Very sorry for your losses, so many too.

I didn’t interpret it as hosting had slipped, more that OP general performance had slipped since she had the baby. Which is impressively rude and obnoxious, it demonstrates MIL was rude and demanding pre-bereavement.

@itwasnevermine or she had been expecting something in her mind and when it didn't come to fruition, it shocked her and it threw her emotions off?

Again and again and again?

People always say they would never ‘behave like this ‘when they are bereaved, disabled or less confident through illness or age. Sadly when this happens people change and although formerly we would never want to be a burden, our own feelings and anxieties take over in many cases. It’s very hard for everyone.

Fantastic posts @saraclara and @MrsSkylerWhite 👏You are immense.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 29/09/2024 15:32
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I'm going to go against the grain here and say you're not being hard-hearted. In fact, I think you've been very kind and accommodating. Can her other family members see her more often? It must be very draining for you as a family

This ^. Very happy marriage for 35 years. We’re devoted to each other and hope to have many more happy years when we are both retired soon. I will be bereft and lost should he go before me. It would be the same for him.

Hell would freeze over, though, before we burdened our children, who would also be dealing with their own grief. Your MIL appears to have overlooked or ignored that.

You have been more than supportive but it is time now to put in those boundaries, for you and your children, before the habit and expectation becomes ingrained.

No, you are not a terrible daughter in law. Time to hand the reigns firmly to your husband, now. If he wishes to continue the regular visits himself, support him in that for as long as he feels he needs too, but time to reclaim your family home.

Sadly I'm not the only widow in my circle. And no-one I know had acted like OP 's MIL.

My husband died in the July, and I was back at work by September. My kids were a wonderful support to me through his illness, but the last thing I wanted was for them to be having to babysit me, or for me to be reliant on them. They were grieving too, and I was trying to support them.

I don't think I or any of my friends would identify with the picture that so many posts have painted of OP 's mum's state. Yes the finally hits after a few months, but still. We get on with it and don't burden others. We look to get to the other side of it.

Losing a spouse is awful. Just awful. But it's not healthy for either the remaining parent or their offspring, to continue as those in this OP are doing.