Partner won’t marry me

Don’t do that. It’s unlikely to stay her dream home if it’s 5 minutes from him!

Not really. If he has no interest in remarrying, the timing of his ex-wife's decision to remarry is of no consequence.

This. He is not being unreasonable for wanting to protect his assets for his children, and he has always been completely candid about his expectations. Why did you expect his attitude to change? By all means find somewhere else to live and disentangle yourself from this situation. But there's no point giving ultimatums (ultimata?), as he had never offered anything other than he is offering now. Just leave.

How does his ex wife remarrying affect or or change things? or does he just want you to feel sorry for him?

What about if you took a 30-35 year mortgage for now and reduce it down in a few years.

Are you sure you can't afford it? Could you make an offer?

Annoyingly there’s what I would class as my dream forever home for sale about 5 minutes walk away from here - I’m short on the deposit.

Can you go see a mortgage broker to see if you can come up with something to make this work?

He will go down the ‘youre damaged’ route - yes I am.

He gets worse.

Lucky escape you've had there. He did you a favour.

When you have the 'discussion' at the weekend, perhaps you don't need to say much.

I don't know him of course but imagine that he will be very happy to explain your position to you and why he is right. Quiet from you will not be unwelcome or unexpected?

Usually, I'm all for putting things straight.
However, I do wonder whether you need to correct him or point out how poor a partner he is being?

You know these things to be true.

He isn't likely to 'see the light' and change, whatever you say. His arguments are not likely to make you see him in the old way again ....but pointing this out isn't going to make you happier.

Arguing your case will probably just lead to a rubbish weekend or even let him see what your plans are.

He sounds like a selfish man his way or no way! He wants all that goes with commitment but not the actual commitment! Leave when you can dont look back he has told you all you need to know. You deserve better than him. Nobody gets married thinking they will divorce horrible as it is divorce happens he has a weird way of looking at that. I don’t think many women would accept what he is saying move on be happy.

I would not be having that talk until you have a signed tenancy agreement. I’d stall, be wishy washy, say you’re not sure what to do, are hurt etc and then only tell him when you are able to move out.

Thanks for the update. It is a concern that you have a pain in your chest - I hadn't picked that up before - and I think you should check with the doctor. This is obviously taking a heavy toll on you and your health, although you are maintaining your spirit with admirable deternination and grit.

I wouldn't show him any list. You don't know how it might rile him or what the reaction might be. Don't show your hand but be reserved and by keeping it vague and undefined, use his desire for rapprochement to give you an extra bit of breathing space to plan your move. And get those vital papers out of the car as soon as possible. Things can happen with cars and you don't want to lose them.

As far as that house you would like to buy, do go and get the particulars and have a chat with the estate agent. I don't know how much you are short but it's not necessarily fatal to hopes of buying. Sometimes a solution can be found and if there is a way, a good agent will know how to make it happen. And as someone said above, do check out the letting agent. It's true there are sometimes dodgy ones or scammers setting up as if they are bona fide agents.

I read the bulleted list is the list of reasons for splitting up, not what OP's plans are. You should not tell him your plans ever - where, when or how. Just be very vague and say you are still figuring things out.

But I would agree it is actually safer for you OP to have that reasons for splitting convo as close as if not after you have moved out. If he realises that is no changing your mind, I hope he does not change his tack and is no longer Mr Nice Guy but you and your dc are still stuck in the house with him. In fact best to have that convo outside the house and in a public place (again, ideally after you have moved out).

Must you have this convo at all? Surely he knows your red lines by now. You don't owe him anything nor are you obliged to give him a chance to change your mind or put you down.

Maybe RTFT next time...

Your partner has been completely honest with you. I wouldn’t want to be with him either - but he’s been honest. You know where he stands.

Personally, I think the ultimatum was pointless. Forcing him to marry won’t work. You know what’s important to him - either accept it or leave.

Go get legal advise. In my country you’d need a financial divorce - and you’d have equity from the house you’ve been paying for (one reason I’d never live in a house I own with a partner - we either rent together or buy together so no confusion).

"Do what is safe but don’t pussyfoot around. Just be matter of fact."

I think this is good advice.
Keep calm and carry on!

"Yes, I've been damaged by shitty men. And I'm ending this relationship to ensure another one doesn't do any more damage".

The more you say about him OP, the more he sounds like a complete arsehole. Do not let him suck you back in or neg you. You've got this.

"From my perspective it’s so I can clearly and very calmly discuss all the reasons we are splitting up - I’ve actually done a bullet pointed list. I might even print and laminate it for him!"

I don't want to dissuade you if you've made up your mind, as You know him and the situation best and if you've decided it's the best way forward then go for it,

But

Given that you know you definitely want to leave and why - might it be better to play your cards a lot closer to your chest for a while until you have got your future plans a lot more concrete. You say that he's been horrid and ignoring you and making you feel bad, is this going to change whilst you are trying to discuss it? And then you'd be stuck with him in the house for the whole weekend, perhaps with a lot of bad feeling.

Satisfying as it might be to give him the bullet point list right now .. you risk him trying to thwart you as much as possible, plus being gaslit and told off by him and being upset by this which might derail you, when you are trying to keep your emotions together and on an even keel.

Might it be better to decide how you want to do things and proceed with that so that things are almost in place, before being talked into doing things differently, to suit him?

Once you have made your arrangements, then you could do the talk, (perhaps with some back up) if you feel he's not going to take it meekly.

You are amazing OP, but I agree he may well try to back track and plead for his children, whilst not giving a shiny shit about yours!
He hasn't an ounce of fundamental respect for you, so likely thinks he can bullshit you into staying.
You really need to step away from all this looking after of his children.
They are not your responsibility.
I so hope you get that house.
The sooner you are out of there the better.

There is a vague possibility he has discussed this with a friend/sibling/solicitor & been told he has it all wrong, & you cannot be expected to finance his dc at the detriment of your own.
My feeling is he's going to try & persuade you to stay as particularly, he cant pay his mortgage, & wont have your car !!!
You need to have thought about how you will feel, (relief? anger? ) & how you respond..
Bear in mind he may get extremely angry. So make sure you have a safety plan

You sound so positive - even if it is you putting on a brave face !
The rental isn't forever, it's to be a safe secure haven for as long as you need it.
Choosing a rental is so different to choosing a property to purchase, altho some people do choose to buy their rentals if they come up for sale.

Don’t ever let a man tell you that you are damaged goods! Just hold up your hand and say “No. No personal comments. We are splitting and all discussions should remain businesslike.I am courteous to you and I expect the same from you.” Don’t stay in the same room to be abused.