Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won’t marry me

964 replies

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

OP posts:
Canneversleep · 29/09/2024 13:16

You are definitely not BU. I would have done the same although not waited as long. Personally I would buy another property anyway, you can then either live in it or rent it out. Show your independence and see how he reacts to it. Stop paying towards his mortgage and pay more towards your own. You’re letting him take advantage. You don’t mention how old the children are but I’m not sure they benefit from his pension after a certain age anyway. Also a lot of pensions will still pay to partners who show they were living together and financially attached for 2 years prior to death, this also doesn’t reduce the children’s benefit.

also unless it’s in his will, if he dies then you don’t get to stay in the house, it goes straight to his children and so you’re depending on them to let you stay.

pinkdelight · 29/09/2024 13:16

I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t

That's the bottom line and neither is BU to stick to their guns. Best to call it quits.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2024 13:15

I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t

Then that's it, isn't it? Why you ever moved into his house is beyond me. He doesn't want what you want and he's a blatant user to boot. Stop wasting your life and money on this man.

Peonies12 · 29/09/2024 13:15

Why on earth have you been contributing to his mortgage. He’s allowed to not want to get married again. Good on you for leaving though, if it’s not what you want. You might want to see a solicitor to see if you can recoup the money you’ve paid to his mortgage.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 29/09/2024 13:15

Stop paying towards his mortgage and pay something else instead. Don't be swayed if he has a 'change of heart's and offers marriage down the road sometime. It'll probably be a ploy to keep the status quo. But good for you. Follow through on your decision to go.

Kendodd · 29/09/2024 13:15

He's told you were you stand. You can't complain that he's strung you along or anything, he's been completely clear. I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum, I'd just get your ducks in a row and leave.

araiwa · 29/09/2024 13:15

He is prioritizing his children

I wouldn't want to get married in his position either.

NahNotHavingIt · 29/09/2024 13:14

Neither of you are being unreasonable but he sounds like a selfish dick.

So I'd go it alone for that reason.

Nothanks17 · 29/09/2024 13:14

Glad you are planning on leaving, can't believe he doesn't want anything for you.

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2024 13:13

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

You need to see a solicitor pronto to see what comes of the money you've already handed over

And it would be perfectly possible to ringfence everyone's contribution but as he's no partner I wouldn't bother

ClickClickety · 29/09/2024 13:12

YANBU and you need to follow through and leave when he holds firm to his position.

Even if he did join finances I'm not sure he's the right person for you anyway.

Rainwind65 · 29/09/2024 13:12

Well done OP. He is telling you exactly where you are in his priorities, and you should listen to him.

Put you and your children first by leaving him, and NOT paying for his assets which will reduce what you can give to your children.

Good luck!

BananaGrapeMelon · 29/09/2024 13:11

Good for you OP. This would be a deal breaker for me too.

Prettyredflowers · 29/09/2024 13:10

You both want different things; neither of you is being unreasonable.

It's brilliant that you are doing something about it though, and building your own security for later life!

Swipe left for the next trending thread