Partner won’t marry me

Definitely YANBU.
And stop paying towards his mortgage 😳
Better off without this sort of partner!
🍀

Your title was "Partner Won't Marry Me" when it should've been
"Partner is an utter bastard who will gladly push me under the figurative bus and thinks its a green light to be a shit to me now I;ve called him out"

I don;'t think many will say "Umm why don't you get married"
More likely why don't you get a Solicitor appointment for your financial/legal contributions then leave him.

If you are basically separated but living in the same house, especially since he plans to be unpleasant, withdraw from doing anything for him. I'd even go as far as to say stop paying any mortgage, just cover your own bills. He's been taking the mickey for too long!

By stopping giving him money immediately, he might actually 'let her go', which he's promised to make difficult.
She needs to use her money to find a new place to live as quickly as possible rather than pay his mortgage.

So yes, I do think that for the immediate short term. She can pay her bills, but not his mortgage while she looks to get out of a toxic relationship.

There's an issue here but it's not marriage.

How have you ended up moving in & paying the mortgage without the commitment that you want?

He can't honestly expect you to pay off his mortgage for his kids to inherit leaving yourself and your own kids destitute, what fucking planet is he living on. Get out and make sure you and yours are looked after, he's a CF! 💐

Neither or you are being unreasonable. You want different things from a relationship. Ending this one and finding someone to give you the commitment and financial security you want is probably your best course of action.

How much do you contribute to his mortgage, what percentage and is it more or less than you would pay in rent? Do you have your own private bedrooms for this?

Personally I would shelf the conversation, keep him at arms length for a few weeks while putting some offers down for your own property or if there’s none in your price range maybe look at the shared ownership ones for now. He doesn’t care about you or your kids. Tell him you are properly leaving when you are ready to go!

He already said he didn't want to get married again so that wasn't going to change. Why are you paying his mortgage? That's ridiculous. You knew the situation, you should have left him when you spoke about what you both wanted.

Tbh I don’t think there’s any point in ultimatums when the other person has made it abundantly clear that they are not interested in doing what the OP wants. Ultimatums are pointless, far better to just leave when you realise you’re not compatible, preferably way in advance of the point you’ve moved your kids in!

You think the op should have been able to live in his house for free? He's no prince, but it's ridiculous to say the op shouldn't have had to pay rent to live in his house.

The real issue here is that the op thought he would change his mind about marriage for her. He clearly will not. That's on her.

Oof, he really doesn't care about you at all does he?

Get out ASAP!

I am your DH.

I do not ever want to get married and I do not want to own a home with a partner.

I have a child from a previous relationship and my stability and her future is way more important to me than getting married or getting a joint tenancy.

You absolutely should be paying him half of the mortgage and bills.
You are living there too and it’s no different to you renting your own place somewhere.

He has been upfront and honest with you.

I am 100% on your DH’s side.

But I still think YANBU because you are just incompatible and you need to move out and find your own place and a man who wants similar things to you.

YA Definitely NBU. As someone else has said, you’ve been paying towards his assets which he has no intention of passing to you on his death. But no doubt he’d expect you to look after him if something happened to him.

Well done on telling him it’s not acceptable to you. It sounds like he doesn’t care enough. My DSis left a long term relationship for similar reasons. Scales fell from the eyes after a talk about financials and wills etc.

I can see where you are both coming from however it's not right to me that you are paying a mortgage to a house that won't be yours. Either you should be buying a percentage of the house or your money should be spend elsewhere creating a nest egg for your future.

This he is putting his DC before you and you need to put your DC and yourself first. YANBU your plan to buy a 2 bedroom house is a good one and will give you security you lack ATM. He could kick you and your DC out at any moment and there would be nothing you could do. Look for a partner who wants to share your life with you and your DC, not use you to pay his mortgage so his kids can benefit.

It is not unreasonable of him to want to pass his house on to his children. I think you should call it a day. And buy your own house

but if the roles were reversed I bet 99% of people would say "protect your children" which he is doing , protecting his children

That is also what OP wants - they could easily buy a property as tenants in common with wills to leave their own share to their own children.

Together they would save in living costs and repair bills as a couple. They would both benefit. But OP can not continue to be in the precarious situation with being made homeless and nowhere to go should the worst happen.

Its not about role reversal, it’s about doing the best you can for your own children.

At least you know definitively now that he's been using you to prop up his own finances and his children's future inheritance, at your and your own children's expense.

He doesn't give a shit about you.

Don't give him another penny. Change all your account passwords immediately and start looking for a new home for yourself and your own DCs. Do NOTHING for him, including childcare for his children, and don't spend a penny on his children.

You need to get out of there.

I hope you can find something soon to get away from this man, sounds like you have had a lucky escape. Imagine how he’d treat your children if anything happened to you.

I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving

Very wise, OP, as long as you mean it - there's no point in ultimatums which aren't followed through and they just make a position even weaker

Since he's been very clear about it I certainly can't blame him for not wanting to get married, but he's deluded in expecting you to pay for a house which will never be yours. A fair share of bills and living expenses yes, but the house itself definitely not

Good luck with it all though; this one hasn't worked out, but hopefully you'll find a much better prospect in time

He has the right to leave everything to his children. You have the right to walk away. 5 years should have been more than enough to make a decision. He is very clear.

I contribute to his mortgage

or are you paying him rent ?
You wouldn't expect to live rent free?

When I see posts that say "you're paying the landlords mortgage" the renter is paying for a service , ie to live in a property . The landlord cannot use that property while its rented out

I'd wonder why you wanted to marry him , but if the roles were reversed I bet 99% of people would say "protect your children" which he is doing , protecting his children. .

Time to call quits on this. He has made it clear he does not want to get married again- fair enough. Divorce is not cheap and past experiences will have contributed to this stance. Expecting you to continue to pay 'rent' on a house which his kids will inherit is just completely unreasonable.

Make an exit strategy but maybe keep your cards close to your chest to ensure a less fractious break.