Partner won’t marry me

I wouldn’t expect this but I also wouldn’t expect my partner to be homeless.

The alternative is that OP would lose her DP and then have to find somewhere else to live in the midst of grief.

I think for the short term at least, then she should be allowed to continue living there but that would obviously mean paying the mortgage as she can’t live there for free.

If he dies in 20years time then it’s not a problem but if it’s in the next couple of days then it is going to cause issues as it would not be fair for OP to be tied to living there.

I dont know what happens if a parent dies before paying off the mortgage and if I was him I would get legal advice.

This is definitely a conversation they should have had before moving in together and I think OP should be thinking about getting her own security and not relying on someone else for it.
Even buying a little flat and renting it out would be better than leaving herself in such a vulnerable position.

Not really sure why you are still with him. Your perspective of the issue is completely opposite.

And also, op has a deposit and a high income. If she bought a house and invited her boyfriend and his kids to move in, I doubt he'd be willing to pay her 'rent' instead of building equity in the home he lives.

I WFH a lot and as a result I do ALL of the housework.

That's on you, op. You have allowed this. He's not a nice man but you have agency. You have been accepting this for years when you could have easily left. The writing has been on the wall forever, and you have ignored it.

Forget about this man changing his mind and get out of his house, as quickly as you can.

I think its absolutely fair enough not to want to get married and also to protect your children's inheritance. Very sensible.

When you say you're paying his mortgage, are you paying 50% of what the market rent would be for his house? As presumably he has equity and you haven't contributed to that which may have built up over years?

I have had similar issues where a partner expects to pay a small amount and thinks they are doing me a favour as it goes towards my mortgage, but actually they are saving a fortune vs the market rent, I've paid all the maintenance, buying costs etc

Regardless though, his reaction tells you he's not wanting the same as you and I'm sorry it is horrible to have to end a relationship you had high hopes for.

Would you even expect a future girlfriend to pay your mortgage off for your children (and presumably be an unpaid nanny for them too) if you suddenly died before retirement age? That's what ops partner is expecting

For 3 years you paid someone else's mortgage so their kids would benefit from the asset whilst your kids have nothing - shameful.

He’s treating you like a broken domestic appliance.

You’re not really contributing to his mortgage though are you?
you are paying rent to live there which is not in the least bit unreasonable. If you live there after he dies then you should continue to pay rent til its sold though not necessarily the entire mortgage.

Why on earth would you split your inheritance with his kids? Thats also bonkers.
I do think he is being very intransigent though as could be a solution that works for you both so you should leave.

You don’t usually sleep with your landlord.

As you’ve contributed towards his mortgage for 3 years, you may be able to make some kind of claim. 2 can play at difficult op. Horrible man.

I assume that it will be treated like rent as she has been living in the house.

Wow. He really wanted you to basically set the stage for his kids to inherit- meanwhile you have every intention of ensuring equality between the children and he could give less of a fuck about you or yours.

get out. He’s shown you his true colours. The fact he’s said he won’t even be nice to you! Jesus.

So in the event of your death you'd expect your partner to pay the mortgage and then be left homeless?
I get where you're coming from but i think this man is going a step too far.
This is a conversation that should have been made clear before moving in together

OP, I think this man is punishing and exploiting you because that makes him feel compensated for whatever happened during his divorce.

I think you would be better getting your own house instead of paying his mortgage. I can understand why he wants his house to go to his children but you also need to secure the future for yourself and your children.
At least he is being honest to you so you can make your own plans

I’m guessing his children are now no longer old enough to need childcare. You’re now only useful to him financially, and now you’re not happy with the setup he can show his true colours.

He isn’t wrong to want to leave everything to his children, but this conversation should have happened long before you moved into his house.

He saw you coming, didn’t he? Stop paying a penny towards his mortgage and leave.

Isn't that an awful stance, when supposed to be in a loving committed relationship though!

But she is not paying his mortgage. She is paying rent and half utilities.

He's told you, he's not unreasonable. It would be unreasonable for you to continue to pay towards his mortgage going forward though.

Time to leave. You don't have to dump him though if you're otherwise happy. You won't meet anyone who does r have a foot out of the door otherwise though.

I wouldn't want to risk my home and my sons inheritance on a boyfriend either but I wouldn't expect him to pay my mortgage of for my sons benefit after I die!

What would you do if you were single?

You can -

• stop contributing to his mortgage. Then decide if he is willing to let you leave there for token rent/for free or move out and pay rent/get your own mortgage. If you can't afford to do that then you're probably on a decent deal with your boyfriend and can probably save up a deposit for your own investments (property or otherwise) while you live with him.

• say marriage is a deal breaker and move out and try to find someone to marry you.

• either way definitely don't do any wife work in the house that if you were renting you would expect a landlord to do as he is basically a live in landlord not a partner.

I think he should marry you if you gave up work to care for shared children or to do his laundry and school runs etc but it doesn't sound like you have.

This .. the audacity of someone to have you paying their mortgage when you could be left with nothing.

Shocking op, I would leave ASAP.

He just doesn’t sound like a nice person @Everythingwillbeokk

Honestly - you’re dodging a bullet.