Partner won’t marry me

Leave, buy your own place, pay off the mortgage over time, leave it to your children. No brainer, OP. While you're finding somewhere to buy, stop paying his mortgage for him. Good luck.

Is the "paying the mortgage" actually just rent? Why would you and your kids expect to live somewhere for free. You could have sorted your housing out by yourself and still gone out with him as it sounds like he has been honest from the start about keeping his asset for his kids. Where did you live before you got together?

You don't need to be married. But you need financial protection. Been with my partner 12 years ush, lost count. We won't marry, have no children or house, but large pensions and life insurance and want the other to be ok if we die. Wills and trusts can be drawn up

Oh my god he gets worse!

No doubt he's hurt that what he's offering you isn't enough for you. Until you examine what he's offering: no commitment, no shared house, allowing you to subsidise his mortgage, do all his housework, presumably help with his kids etc.

What a twat.

Neither is BU to want what they want. BUT he being very unreasonable expecting contribution to his mortgage and not wanting to put something in writing to protect you if anything happened to him. My house belongs to me and I have two dds. When now dh moved in he had no savings or house of his own, but we agreed that we were happy to combine finances and did so before we were married. We also sorted out all the what ifs before the wedding. Every penny he earns goes into the joint account. The household expenses are all met from that and having two incomes has helped me stay afloat. Dds dad doesn't pay maintenance. I have written into my will that the house belongs to my dc but that he is allowed to stay in it if I die first because he is making such a contribution to it. He doesn't have his own dc which simplifies it, I know.

Basically it's perfectly possible to ensure that his property goes to his dc without screwing you over if he dies. He has made it clear he doesn't care enough to go for that option so I agree with pps. Start paying your own mortgage and ensure there's more in your own pot to leave to your children. I'd be seriously reconsidering this relationship. Inequity in any form is a crap basis for a relationship.

He’s punishing you because you are no longer playing ball.

Sell the house once you are gone…..ahhhh, tough f*cking tits. Not that much to leave his kids with then eh? He’s not Mr. Minted. They’ll inherit…err, not a lot as he really has fuck all. He could’ve lived somewhere really nice, all together but no, because he’s a selfish arsehole.

OP, you need to find your own place that is YOURS and not make yourself vulnerable again.

You need to pretend you are WFH but actually ask for some time off so you can sort yourself out.

Best not tell him you might be recouping some of the mortgage you’ve paid just yet.

I voted YABU simply because you should never have moved in under those terms. Now you have paid 3 years towards his mortgage and wasted 3 years of your children's life. Well done for finally seeing sense, i hope you find somewhere to go very soon and your future is happy and contented.

I hope you find your house soon and get out of this relationship. It has run its course. Thank goodness you had no child with him.

Your future awaits!

Good point. I'd try really hard to get somewhere new, even if it's short term, as soon as you can. And I'd remove anything valuable or hard to replace from the house (think passports etc) when you go out today, even if you lock them in your car or take them to a friend's house for now.

Curious how long you've been working from home and how old his children are, OP? Are they school aged?

Does that mean on top of doing all the housework, you've also conveniently been there for pick ups and drop offs and have as such been facilitating his working hours?

Unrelated to everything else because he generally sounds unpleasant, but as someone who works in estate planning, though not in the uk, it’s extremely common for an arrangement where your parent’s partner is allowed to live in the house (and it’s your inheritance) after your parent dies, but they have to pay the fees associated with that. Otherwise the kids end up stuck with the responsibility, sometimes to their detriment, and no benefit while the partner ends up with all of the benefit with no risks or incentive to leave. Expecting them to pay means they aren’t immediately made homeless but they also have a reason to get their situation sorted sooner rather than later, especially when it’s a property that’s expensive to maintain.

Just be really careful OP, he sounds vindictive enough to change the locks whilst you are out.

I'd have a bag of all your valuables ready to go just in case so he doesn't leave you high and dry.

How old are your children?

Wow men like him infuriate me. He wants all the benefits of wife (housework, I assume cooking, contributing to the bills), but you get nothing in return. He's shown his true colours. You are lucky you didn't marry this nasty manipulative man.

But he’s happy for her to keep contributing to the mortgage , with no security for herself - what a selfish man!

Get legal advice asap, because as the property owner, he may be able to ask you to leave and class your mortgage payments as “rent”. if you suddenly stop contributing financially, he may also have rights to ask you to leave. How much have you paid towards the mortgage? Are you paying 50/50?

Some info from Citizen’s Advice here: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#:~:text=A%20property%20may%20be%20owned,'%20in%20it%20–%20see%20below.

Sounds like he’s just trashed his golden goose tbh Op!

Leave asap and keep you salary, your wifework and your inheritance for your own children ❤️

That outing didn't sound all that great anyway OP.

It sounds like he never really liked you and I doubt his attitude and behaviour- which are choices - are not down to his previous divorce, but more if what you say is true about maybe needing to sell his home, down to his epiphany that you are - rightly - leaving him up shit creek without a paddle.

In short, he is having a mantrum because he was living beyond his means when single and having had you in his home, made the lifestyle he had become accustomed to, achievable. And now by leaving, he is gonna have to "hustle" again - hence the nastiness.

A prince amongst men!

Aren't you glad you didn't marry him, OP? You dodged a ballistic missile, congratulations

You absolutely should be paying him half of the mortgage and bills.
You are living there too and it’s no different to you renting your own place somewhere

Except the lack of rental agreement, legal protections and the fact she shares a bedroom with her landlord of course. 🙄

Some areas have serviced apartments that you can book for 4 weeks- this might be an option?

Can I ask OP, are you somewhat of a people pleaser or have you had bad experiences with your previous relationships?

@Everythingwillbeokk hope you are ok.

Speak to a solicitor ASAP as you will be entitled to a % of the value of the houae as you have lived together for more than 2 years and you have contributed to his mortgage (hopefully you have written evidence of this). I saw a solicitor when dh and I had the conversation about moving in and to protect my investment I had legal documentation drawn up to protect my house from this exact scenario.

My house is mine, dh has no stake in it and he knew from the start that he would never receive a penny from it should we split up. It is tied up legally with a prenup etc but he also does not contribute towards the mortgage. Only 50% of the running costs. All maintenance cost are fine and mine alone

@Everythingwillbeokk I agree with this ^^ you should be able to move out into somewhere temporary as soon as you like. What a horrible man he is - and sorry to see you have only just realised it yourself. Get away from him as soon as you can

In similar position, and as we are both contributing to the house, if something happens to us the house goes to the other; would be terrible to lose your other half and lose your home. Everything else - pension, death in service ect, goes to respective kids. This is worth roughly the same as house equity currently. There are ways of working this stuff out so you are looking out for each other and your respective children.

He’s a user who is taking you for granted and doesn’t have your (or your kids’) best interests at heart. Speak to a solicitor to see if you have any claim to his house, and buy your own asap.

You could probably move in to an air bnb this afternoon!

Good. Move out as soon as possible. And stop paying towards the mortgage and stop doing all the housework.