Partner won’t marry me

Throw this one back @Everythingwillbeokk He's a dud. He will make a terrible husband and a terrible father, because EVERYTHING is always going to have to be on HIS terms!

OP has said she’s the bread winner in this relationship and she has enough saved for a deposit for a house, it’s him who will struggle without her and may have to sell up.

I'm reading something differently to you.

Have you seen that should he die, he expects the OP to carry on paying the mortgage for his kid's sake, but that she won't get a penny from its sale?

Also, if she was a lodger she'd sign up to that knowingly.

She didn't.

What was your living situation before this?

I’m confused why you would move in with someone who was very honest about not wanting marriage or a joint tenancy.

Did you hope you could change his mind?

This relationship will never work because you’re incompatible.

I would try and find somewhere to live by the end of this week.

Staying in a home where your partner has said they’re planning to leave you is going to build resentment and be incredibly tense, which is not good for anyone especially the kids.

You know what you want which is great.
You just need to find someone who wants the same things as you do.

Not really. He's protecting his children's interests. He's only been living with the OP for 3 years and he's unlikely to favour her kids' interests - that's her job. The OP is paying money into the household in the same way a lodger would, she can't expect to live there rent free. However, she realises that their ideas do not align and she is addressing the situation by looking to buy a home for herself and hopefully build up an inheritance for her own children.

As @rubyrubyrubyrubymurray says, as you've paid towards the mortgage, you may have some 'beneficial interest' in the property and be able to get some money back.

What a foul man.

I hope that somehow you might be able to recoup the money that you've contributed but it's unlikely.

You've really been nothing but a lodger and without a tenancy agreement.

@Hedgewitch123

Isn't that an awful stance, when supposed to be in a loving committed relationship though!

Why is it awful to prioritise your children’s financial security over a relationship?

Your position seems to take as read that a relationship partner’s needs should take priority over those of your child.

What may be a “loving committed relationship” one day may turn into a bitter resentful one. Theres literally no way to guarantee the success of a relationship and around half of marriages fail. It would be reckless to think that the relationship should take precedence over the children, who will be yours forever.

I live with my DP and my daughter who is not his biological parent. We have a joint mortgage but it’s set up to ring fence my contributions from his so the equity in the house would go to me (and ultimately my daughter) in the event we separated, because I earn more than him. He is completely happy with this as he should be and he knows I will never marry him. Why should I carry a grown adult and put his security above that of my child?

I completely agree that this guy is an arsehole and the OP needs to leave: that’s very clear. But it’s not a obligation to marry everyone you fall in love with if it disadvantages your children.

Rather than relying on legal rights of a de facto tenant (caveat: I don't know the legal position), OP is better served by checking out the AirBnBs and rentals asap with a view to lying low until she can move out with her dcs. This will lull him into a false sense of security, so that it minimises the risk he will disrupt her plans or try to throw her out prematurely.

In the meantime, she should consult a solicitor about whether her previous contributions to the mortgage give her an interest in the property. She can then use that as leverage to make him buy her out if she has an interest. I don't believe she has to remain in the property to bring a claim against the property. If she has an interest, she has an interest irrespective of whether she living there.

One thing I just remembered. Banks often ask persons living in a property to waive any claim to it. When I refinanced a mortgage, I had to get the aupair to sign a document to the bank. OP should try to remember whether she previously signed such a waiver. If she did, her legal claim to the property could be compromised. If she did not, perhaps the threat of registering her interest in the property on the title (if her lawyer advises her to) may trigger the bank to bear down on her DP re: the mortgage. Might be a leverage tool for her DP to buy her out. But I am not a conveyancer and OP should be consulting one.

Is it his house? If so I think you are being unreasonable to expect any of the equity from it. However if you can afford to put down a deposit on a house together then I agree that this would be better for you and allow you to benefit from house price rises and from your mortgage payments. If he refuses to do this, and you refuse to continue to pay him rent, then your options are to move out and pay rent to live in your own house, which also won't provide you any security or equity, or get together a deposit and buy your own place. The former option may be very expensive and leave you worse off than you are now. The latter will provide some financial security. You need to do some sums and work it out on the basis of being responsible for yourself and your children. If the relationship is otherwise good and it is cheaper for you to live together then you may decide to stay. I think when a couple come together with children from previous relationships it's a reasonable and sensible decision not to join finances, especially if they are unequal. If it was the other way round, and your partner was living in your house, how would you and your children feel if half their inheritance went to your partner's children?

Well done for taking action OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable - but you know that already. It's crazy he expects you to contribute to his mortgage and that his children will benefit from that; whilst you and your DC will not! His reaction also tells you all you need to know, his gravy train has definitely stopped and he doesn't like it. Keep going OP and get you and your DC in a much better position without him.

Neither is being unreasonable. He is sensible; It's his house. You pay a contribution ( rather than live rent free), and that's fair. He doesn't want to risk his home or his kids' home. I admire him for protecting their interests. There's many a second spouse who once they get their hands on the house then cut out the dead spouse's kids and leave it to their own.
Buy your own home. Be independent and free. You can still have a relationship.

You are not Unreasonable to want a share of the house though especially if you feel you are a substantial contributor. But marriage is a bad idea from his kids' point of view.

What a misogynist, arrogant, miserly, vindictive creep. Good for you for leaving.

How old are your kids? What a horrible environment for them, too.

What will you do moving forwards op? Has he said much else?

Leave the guy! No benefit to stay with him. It does not sound like he treats you well at all or your kids. Put yourself and kids first and get out of there.

It doesn't work, sweetheart, you can see for yourself that is a waste of time

You dodged a right bullet there OP. Try to find an airb&b and get the hell out of there with your children.

God forbid anything happens to my other half... I'd be happy with just my whippets and cat.

I couldn't imagine putting myself in this position in1st place, however myself and my partner have always made things as fair as possible for us Both.

It makes me sad others don't do that. I even consider what would happen if I die, to make sure my partner gets house and even pension. As I love them and want them to be ok if anything were to happen to me.

If it wasn't reciprocated, I wouldn't put myself in the position.

Especially with kids to think about too. If anything were to happen, there's a lot to think of what leaving for children too.

His children coming top trumps in inheritance so far...

What. Happens if op needs care in older age too and has no assets for nice care home?

Partner gets top care whilst op can get minimum state care.

Lots to consider op.

Regardless of who is to blame you have incompatible ideas which cannot be compromised on.

The ultimatum must not be a hollow threat, so finding a new place soon is what you should do.

omg, move out of this situation asap. I am impressed and I salute you OP in sticking to your guns. What a disgusting human this man is. Just think of all the women we read about every day who would accept this crap or justify it in some way. Be proud of yourself OP for sticking to your guns.

I can’t get over that you’re doing all the cleaning and still paying rent
unbelievable!

You have had an inadvertent lucky escape! Imagine if you'd married him and found out this nasty side to him afterwards.

As you have contributed to his mortgage you may in fact be regarded as having an interest in his house. Might be worth a legal consultation to find out your position in this regard. If nothing else you could use it to persuade him that it is not in his best interests to provoke you or subject you to unwarranted nastiness just because you're leaving him or it might end up costing him a few quid. Good luck moving on from this horrible man.

Well, isn’t he a delight! It just gets worse and worse. Wants to make life difficult for you and the kids til you move out-all innocent of anything bar shoring up his finances for 3 years. And thought you’d merrily continue paying his mortgage should he die and his dc would kindly allow you to continue living there? I don’t think so!

I hope you’re able to get out asap, OP.

OP, this is putting it starkly, but as an outsider, I kinda agree with it.

Put yourself and your dcs first. Do not accept crumbs from the table. You deserve much better than this dick.

Op I would look into your legal position. Does your contribution count as paying for the mortgage (in which case you have a claim on the equity) or does it count as rent (in which case do you have a de facto tenancy in place) if the former use it as leverage to keep him sweet while you get out. If the latter then use it in case he tries to throw you out.

My concern is that he is turning suddenly and he may just try to change the locks. If you are a tenant legally then he has to give you notice to leave, 3 months I believe.

I don't know if there is a third option where you fall into neither of these categories and he can throw you out with no notice. Are there any legal experts on here who could help??