Page 29 | Partner won’t marry me

Everythingwillbeokk · 2024-09-29T12:06:09+00:00

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids. Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death. So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him) Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2024 16:39

Do what is right for you OP and be happy. You could still see each other if you wished to but you want your independence so get it. And also, I would do all you can to get a mortgage for a property yourself or some sort of housing thing where you partially buy a place. Whatever works for you.

Good luck.

Seeingadistance · 29/09/2024 16:38

All these people calling the guy names and saying his behaviour is abhorrent...

It was the OP who ended the relationship. She tried to coerce him into marriage by saying she would leave if he didn't do what she wanted. He declined to play her game - she now has to leave, as that's what she said she'd do if he didn't agree to marriage.

The OP played a silly game and has won the prize she deserves!

Givemeaclue123 · 29/09/2024 16:38

Being a girlfriend has an expiry date.

DarkandStormyNightie · 29/09/2024 16:37

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 16:20

Small update - it bloody gets worse!!

So he has messaged me asking me to let him know when I have spoken to the children (mine) then he can put the house on the market.

What did I say though?!?

Sigh. For reference, mine are 15 and 10 so not babies. I will speak to my children in a couple of days once I’ve worked out a plan

Ive also reminded him that he has now managed to lose not only me, but his children’s home, all from being a knob.

Going to start moving all the things I just couldn’t live without in the next few days - to my mums garage.

I’ve had a look on Air BnB. There’s one in the area but if I’m being honest, it’s at least £1.5k above what I’d expect to pay for such property and I wouldn’t move a hamster into it let alone my children.

I’ve informed him we will be staying for the meantime until I find a suitable property - or will cross the bridge of temporary accommodation if and when we come to that

I am aware that if things get really bad I can ring the police - funnily enough that might also be the job that DP does……. So far though I can actually say he’s never shouted at me or given me any reason to feel unsafe in our entire relationship

Also - DD and I have done the food shop. Not so delightful DP was quite put out that I’d do a weeks food shopping….. Bearing in mind he is fully aware we have nowhere to go.

I agree, I don't think you're thinking straight either.

I honestly don't think you're in a position to just tell him you're staying put until you find somewhere. It's his house and you're poking the bear by saying you could call the Police.

You have no legal right to stay in the house. If you call the Police, you'll be the one they ask to leave. You don't have children together or any legal ties.

What you need to do is sit down and have a very calm conversation with him about moving out and the time you need to find somewhere. Take the heat out of the situation and be calm not combative.

BettyBardMacDonald · 29/09/2024 16:35

Fair enough on not wanting a claim to his property. I'm happy that you are the higher earner.

As to your mum's house - could you make it work? You and mum share a room, the kids share the spare room? Or someone on one of those inflatable beds in the lounge? I realize it would be tight but .... you wouldn't have to put up with his snark.

Get your valuable and sentimental items out of his house ASAP. Good luck!

maddening · 29/09/2024 16:34

It sounds like a lucky escape- hope you find something soon - how long have you been paying towards his mortgage for?

Gogogo12345 · 29/09/2024 16:34

Tohaveandtohold · 29/09/2024 13:47

In that hypothetical scenario, If op is living there in the meantime whilst sorting out where to move to and the children can’t sell at the time, who else would be expected to keep paying besides op?

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Surely life insurance would've paid off any mortgage if he dies

Idontgiveashitanymore · 29/09/2024 16:34

Time to move on, he has made his point and is a selfish tw@ .

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/09/2024 16:33

@Hedgewitch123

So you have a fair deal as does partner youre both happy with.... op has no fair deal.

Yes indeed. I don’t disagree that this guy has behaved like a complete turd. I just take issue with the idea that it’s incumbent on people who are in a committed relationship to get married if it disadvantages their kids, it’s just not that black and white.

I think also (no disrespect intended to the OP as I don’t know the background), some women enter a relationship when they have children assuming that the new partner will “take care of” them and their kids and don’t really ask the tough questions about what’s involved financially.

People should always prioritise their existing children over any new relationship so this seems short sighted. I don’t think blended families are always a bad idea but I think if you have children you have to be prepared to financial responsibility for them and not just take as read that it’s the new partner’s responsibility to do this unless they have explicitly stated that they want to.

oakleaffy · 29/09/2024 16:32

Cosyblankets · 29/09/2024 13:23

He wants you to pay the mortgage until the house is sold to benefit his kids and you get nothing?
I've heard it all now

This is absolutely insane. Surely can't be true. Who would even say that and be sane?

No one would agree to pay someone else's mortgage to only benefit the other person's kids.

@Everythingwillbeokk DEFINITELY stop paying his mortgage.

Buy your OWN place and be 100% independent.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2024 16:32

Cerialkiller · 29/09/2024 15:48

Op I would look into your legal position. Does your contribution count as paying for the mortgage (in which case you have a claim on the equity) or does it count as rent (in which case do you have a de facto tenancy in place) if the former use it as leverage to keep him sweet while you get out. If the latter then use it in case he tries to throw you out.

My concern is that he is turning suddenly and he may just try to change the locks. If you are a tenant legally then he has to give you notice to leave, 3 months I believe.

I don't know if there is a third option where you fall into neither of these categories and he can throw you out with no notice. Are there any legal experts on here who could help??

Op isn’t a tenant as he lives there too. There is no set notice period for a lodger. Generally it’s the same period of time between rental payments. Op probably pays monthly so it’s a month. However, as I and others have pointed out, if op can claim she’s contributed towards the mortgage on the house, she may be entitled to a small share of the property, by registering an interest in the property. Not something I’d generally say. But he’s acting so abhorrently. As for notice, on a rental it’s 2 months. But that’s a notice to quit, not an eviction notice.

Seeingadistance · 29/09/2024 16:31

It's in your first post, OP. You said that unless he married you, you would leave. He has been clear from the start that he didn't want to get married. He still doesn't.

You can't and shouldn't coerce or threaten someone into marriage.

I don't see what the guy has done wrong. He made his position clear from the start.

You are the one who has ended this relationship, you said you would leave, so that's what you need to do.

StormingNorman · 29/09/2024 16:30

BIossomtoes · 29/09/2024 14:14

You don’t usually sleep with your landlord.

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It’s not unusual to contribute to the costs of the house you live in. It’s really no different to paying a share of the rent if they were in a rented property.

He’s hardly been rinsing her for cash and financially abusing her. MN has a word for men who live rent free in their partner’s house…cocklodger. This would be no different.

Original poster

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 16:30

BettyBardMacDonald · 29/09/2024 16:25

What a tool.

Can you move in with your mum temporarily?

What ages are his kids? What are your and his ages?

Did he own the house before you got together? How did he afford it then?
If your contribution has been the key to him paying the mortgage, then surely you have a claim to part of the equity? I don't know but I"d definitely consult a solicitor.

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Can’t move in with mum - her house doesn’t fit us. She’s got one spare single bedroom that’s it.

His kids are similar ages to mine but slightly older.

The mortgage has gone up since his marital split - I do think him struggling to pay it was part of the reason he asked me to move in. But now it’s gone up even more, he definitely can’t afford it without me

I earn around £30k per annum more than him, so I’m not too concerned about our finances.

Also people who have said for me to consult a solicitor and see if I have a claim against his property - I’m not interested in doing this. None of my wanting to progress our relationship has ever been for finances, it’s been for security and not the risk of being made homeless in old age or at the drop of a hat. Morally I also always would have financially looked after his children too, because that’s just the right thing to do isn’t it

OP posts:

deeahgwitch · 29/09/2024 16:29

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 29/09/2024 13:15

Stop paying towards his mortgage and pay something else instead. Don't be swayed if he has a 'change of heart's and offers marriage down the road sometime. It'll probably be a ploy to keep the status quo. But good for you. Follow through on your decision to go.

This.
Absolutely

Owly11 · 29/09/2024 16:27

You gave him an ultimatum, ended the relationship but expect him to be nice to you and go out on a trip with you? Not sure you are thinking straight. If my partner gave me an ultimatum and then ended the relationship I would want them out of the house asap too.

BettyBardMacDonald · 29/09/2024 16:25

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 16:20

Small update - it bloody gets worse!!

So he has messaged me asking me to let him know when I have spoken to the children (mine) then he can put the house on the market.

What did I say though?!?

Sigh. For reference, mine are 15 and 10 so not babies. I will speak to my children in a couple of days once I’ve worked out a plan

Ive also reminded him that he has now managed to lose not only me, but his children’s home, all from being a knob.

Going to start moving all the things I just couldn’t live without in the next few days - to my mums garage.

I’ve had a look on Air BnB. There’s one in the area but if I’m being honest, it’s at least £1.5k above what I’d expect to pay for such property and I wouldn’t move a hamster into it let alone my children.

I’ve informed him we will be staying for the meantime until I find a suitable property - or will cross the bridge of temporary accommodation if and when we come to that

I am aware that if things get really bad I can ring the police - funnily enough that might also be the job that DP does……. So far though I can actually say he’s never shouted at me or given me any reason to feel unsafe in our entire relationship

Also - DD and I have done the food shop. Not so delightful DP was quite put out that I’d do a weeks food shopping….. Bearing in mind he is fully aware we have nowhere to go.

What a tool.

Can you move in with your mum temporarily?

What ages are his kids? What are your and his ages?

Did he own the house before you got together? How did he afford it then?
If your contribution has been the key to him paying the mortgage, then surely you have a claim to part of the equity? I don't know but I"d definitely consult a solicitor.

MarkingBad · 29/09/2024 16:23

@Everythingwillbeokk
What did I say though?!?

You threatened his relationship with you, his finacial and housing stability for him, you and both sets of children.

It will calm down, you might yet talk. He told you he didn't want marriage, he stood his ground and so did you.

I'd be a bloody knob if someone threatened my financial and housing stability too.

BettyBardMacDonald · 29/09/2024 16:22

ginasevern · 29/09/2024 16:12

Not really. He's protecting his children's interests. He's only been living with the OP for 3 years and he's unlikely to favour her kids' interests - that's her job. The OP is paying money into the household in the same way a lodger would, she can't expect to live there rent free. However, she realises that their ideas do not align and she is addressing the situation by looking to buy a home for herself and hopefully build up an inheritance for her own children.

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Don't blame him for wanting his assets to go to his children. I'd feel the same way in middle age.

That being the case, though, I wouldn't charge a lover to live with me, beyond splitting food costs.

But his taking advantage of the OP, getting petulant if the house isn't clean, then the "ok I don't have to be nice to you now" and canceling the outing because she told him she's buying her own place all are signs of a selfish arsehole.

Seeingadistance · 29/09/2024 16:22

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 14:47

Well he wasn’t lying about not being nice to me anymore - he’s now cancelled planned outing stating he will go himself this week. Planned outing was to help him get workwear as he’s useless doing it by himself. So I’m going out alone with DD shortly given she was all ready to go. His attitude towards me is abhorrent tbf - also not surprising.

I also think he may have to sell the house once I am gone.

Well, you have ended the relationship, OP, so it's not surprising that he now doesn't want to spend the day with you.

Original poster

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 16:20

Small update - it bloody gets worse!!

So he has messaged me asking me to let him know when I have spoken to the children (mine) then he can put the house on the market.

What did I say though?!?

Sigh. For reference, mine are 15 and 10 so not babies. I will speak to my children in a couple of days once I’ve worked out a plan

Ive also reminded him that he has now managed to lose not only me, but his children’s home, all from being a knob.

Going to start moving all the things I just couldn’t live without in the next few days - to my mums garage.

I’ve had a look on Air BnB. There’s one in the area but if I’m being honest, it’s at least £1.5k above what I’d expect to pay for such property and I wouldn’t move a hamster into it let alone my children.

I’ve informed him we will be staying for the meantime until I find a suitable property - or will cross the bridge of temporary accommodation if and when we come to that

I am aware that if things get really bad I can ring the police - funnily enough that might also be the job that DP does……. So far though I can actually say he’s never shouted at me or given me any reason to feel unsafe in our entire relationship

Also - DD and I have done the food shop. Not so delightful DP was quite put out that I’d do a weeks food shopping….. Bearing in mind he is fully aware we have nowhere to go.

OP posts:

MojoMoon · 29/09/2024 16:19

@Everythingwillbeokk
When this is all over and you are settled in a new home with your children, please think about the freedom programme or other counselling to explore why you have been willing to put up with a man who has told you quite clearly through his behavior and words that he doesn't actually respect or care for you.

You do not need to be a man's housekeeper.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 29/09/2024 16:19

I’m so sorry you had to find out what he’s really like in this way. He definitely doesn’t fit into the description ‘partner’. But thank goodness you found out now rather than a few more years down the line.

IsleOfPenguinBollards · 29/09/2024 16:19

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 14:47

Well he wasn’t lying about not being nice to me anymore - he’s now cancelled planned outing stating he will go himself this week. Planned outing was to help him get workwear as he’s useless doing it by himself. So I’m going out alone with DD shortly given she was all ready to go. His attitude towards me is abhorrent tbf - also not surprising.

I also think he may have to sell the house once I am gone.

He might be being horrible now, but I wonder if he might have a miraculous change of heart once he realises how much he stands to lose. But if he does, I don’t think you’ll fall for it.

Hedgewitch123 · 29/09/2024 16:17

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/09/2024 16:11

@Hedgewitch123

Isn't that an awful stance, when supposed to be in a loving committed relationship though!

Why is it awful to prioritise your children’s financial security over a relationship?

Your position seems to take as read that a relationship partner’s needs should take priority over those of your child.

What may be a “loving committed relationship” one day may turn into a bitter resentful one. Theres literally no way to guarantee the success of a relationship and around half of marriages fail. It would be reckless to think that the relationship should take precedence over the children, who will be yours forever.

I live with my DP and my daughter who is not his biological parent. We have a joint mortgage but it’s set up to ring fence my contributions from his so the equity in the house would go to me (and ultimately my daughter) in the event we separated, because I earn more than him. He is completely happy with this as he should be and he knows I will never marry him. Why should I carry a grown adult and put his security above that of my child?

I completely agree that this guy is an arsehole and the OP needs to leave: that’s very clear. But it’s not a obligation to marry everyone you fall in love with if it disadvantages your children.

So you have a fair deal as does partner youre both happy with.... op has no fair deal.