Partner won’t marry me

But she knew he didn’t want marriage.

She’s known that for the entire relationship.

She knew that if she asks him again and offers him an ultimatum, what his response would be.

So yes, she should have been prepared because she knew before she even asked him what his response would be, because he’s been saying it since the day they met.

This hasn’t come out of the blue.
He hadn’t promised marriage and then changed his mind.
OP wasn’t blindsided.

OP knew that she was going to end the relationship before asking that question.

So yes, she should have got her ducks in a row and at the very least looked what was available for rent in the area before ending the relationship.

She’s now going to have her DCs living in a very uncomfortable household for however long it takes her to make a plan and execute it.

So true. He has to accept some responsibility for this situation too. It wasn’t wise of either of them to enter into this arrangement really, but now they have they should deal with the consequences as maturely and peacefully as possible since kids are involved.

I think it’s very normal to have a gap in between breaking up and moving out. I mean what if an issue comes up unexpectedly and a couple argue then one decides to move out or is kicked out? They wouldn’t normally be expected to leave the same day, especially if they have kids.

If it drags on longer than one month it’ll an issue but if Op can move in a matter of weeks, it should be fine.

It doesn’t bode well that he said he’s not going to be nice anymore, but I can totally understand why he’s cancelling day trips etc.

Why are you so determined to make her the bad guy here?

I have my thoughts on that. Remember not everyone who posts here is a woman.

I think you made a sensible plan. Unfortunately, you are not on the same page and you have to walk away.

It's his property but he offered it as a home for her and her kids; it would be unreasonable of him to expect her to move out in a matter of days. If he didn't want to face this situation in the event of a breakup, he shouldn't have invited her to reside there.

He has always said he doesn’t want to marry.
She has said she does.
He wanted her to move in and invited her to live with him, he has to deal with the consequences of that just as much as she does, and part of that is her having a reasonable amount of time to move back out.

Why are you so determined to make her the bad guy here? She’s done nothing wrong.

So she should have rented a place just in case?! Yes how very realistic. Funny how all the talk of rent suddenly changes at this point.

As I said, she should have given more thought to the timing. She was the one who chose to issue an ultimatum at the weekend, with nothing planned for the not at all unlikely possibility that he would refuse to be coerced into marriage.

If he turns round and agrees to marry you what would you do?

He has always said - I don't want to get married.

The OP said - Marry me or I leave.

He said, again - I don't want to get married.

The OP should ... leave.

She is prepared to follow through. Just not within 24 hours at a weekend.

Her offer to leave accepted?! What a bizarre way to put that, she doesn’t need him to accept it. As for not being in a hurry, it’s literally just happened, how fast do you think it’s possible to rent a new place?

Maybe she hoped he could act like a reasonable adult, that’s her only flaw here.

The OP should have given more thought to the timing of her ultimatum. Or perhaps not issued one if she wasn't prepared to follow through.

Misogyny at ifs finest. They were supposed to be in a committed... loving, equal relationship.

I agree they are both free to leave the relationship for whatever reason at any point in their lives. Expecting to stay on in the house after the ultimatum has blown everything up and not having planned for that is what is off here.

That her partner is hurt by an ultimatum that destablises everything he has invested in for 3 years is perfectly reasonable too. No one owes anyone a relationship, especially when he has had a long term view on marriage the OP well knows about.

Yes he sounds like he was using you to stay in the family house unfortunately . I know you have kids so it’s different but as a child free woman this is one reason I don’t date divorced men with kids. A lot of them I’ve encountered appear to be looking for help more than love.

That said it sounds as if he made his position clear about marriage so what were you expecting? I don’t think any of you are BU in what you want for the future, but it seems you have both muddled along ignoring that you are incompatible

I think he should give you 30 days to find somewhere but after that you really need to go. Hopefully police will not be necessary.

It really wasn’t a great idea to bring your children into this situation knowing how he felt, hope you can all learn from this. And also ask yourself why you put up with doing most of the housework and him saying it makes him “angry” if it’s not done. That was a major red flag considering you’re WFH full-time and you paid your own way. It’s not as if he was financially supporting you to just stay at home and could then reasonably expect you to do most of the domestic stuff in return.

So true. I will repeat - Lucky Escape.

Because OP is earning and living there with her children!

She’s in a great hurry to go but it’s quite hard to find somewhere else and make all the arrangements on a Sunday!

Good on OP. It is so rare on mn that the woman has the upper hand financially. It is something to celebrate.

Although she is writing off her previous contributions, she still has her earning power which will keep her and her dcs in good stead for the future as well as a healthy inheritance to come.

He really let her get away. He and his dcs will be poorer for it.

This 100% op you have had a lucky escape.

Well, quite, but having had her offer to leave accepted, she's not in a hurry to go, and seems quite put out that her now ex-partner, she having effectively ended the relationship, doesn't want to have a day out with her as well as expecting her to actually leave.

I'm so sorry that someone who is supposed to love and care for you is treating you in this callous way. But at least he's honest, now you know where you stand.

Your future self will thank you.

@Naunet

Another one missing the fact the OP is the bread winner here and has been financing his children. He can’t afford the house without her. Sexism seems to blind some people.

I had missed that yes. If she’s the breadwinner why on God’s green earth does she want to get married?