Partner won’t marry me

The emptiness of the threat is suggested by her surprise and annoyance that he didn't want to have a day out with her, and that he's taking her at her word - that she's leaving - and expecting her to get going.

The guy's just been dumped out of the blue, essentially. Not all of us are at our best in that kind of situation, especially if dumped for not being bullied into something.

And then the OP is bad-mouthing him for not wanting to have a day out with her, and then making practical plans for a future as a single man.

You both want different things. You are doing the right thing in looking to buy your own property. Asking you to contribute to his mortgage, if he died but then sell and give all the profit to his children, is unreasonable! Why contribute to a home, where later on you don't benefit, should the unthinkable happen?!!! I understand he wants to provide for his children but you're supposed to be his partner, the person he loves, and yet you count for diddly-squat! He's been honest, he has no intention of ever marrying you or buying a property with you. You want to someday get married. Sadly, this man is not for you. Eventually, you will grow to resent him. Buy your own property, move out of his and end the relationship. Find someone who values you in their life and treats you like you deserve.

I don’t think anyone on this thread is saying OP shouldn’t have handed him his arse. What some are saying is this isn’t much of a negotiation strategy. Knowing how many children are involved (OP’s included), a proper plan in place was required, otherwise it has all the hallmarks of an empty threat. Another poster has suggested that OP’s kids go to their dad and then she could go to her mums, yes it’s inconvenient, but if she wants to appear at all serious about her intentions, weekly food shops and trips to tart up his wardrobe are highly odd next moves.

Did you all miss the post of he was warming up to marriage in another post by the op folks.

id be moving asap personally good on you OP

OP, well done, he's a cock. I hope you and your children can get out of there soon.

You're an amazing individual. Well done for sticking to your guns. Even if he promises the world now, don't change your mind.

Doesn't sound like it was an empty threat. Both had their views on how they want to live. She gave an ultimatum. He said no. This effectively finishes the relationship. If anything, this is a no fault split. I'm not sure why he is angry though.

Are we reading the same thread? In what world is her partner not acting like a 'bad guy' here? He's clearly displaying some behaviour of premium twattery here. How can you justify somebody saying they 'no longer have to be nice' to her and his immediately hysterical 'I'll be putting it on the market then' comments? Granted, it's a shame OP didn't realise before how unreasonable her financial situation is, but his behaviour before and after she gave him a definitive choice is quite evidently 'bad'.

I am a woman.

But I don't have any time for people who issue empty threats, and I most definitely don't have time for people who attempt to coerce someone into marriage.

And I think it is very unfair for the OP's partner to be getting vilified as he is by many on this thread.

100%

He’s not being unreasonable, you’re not being unreasonable. Sounds like you’re doing the right thing.

Ps can your kids stay with their dad until you find accommodation?

Misogyny.

Well then he’s fucking stupid if he thought any woman would be happy to pay his mortgage off for him after he dies, just to hand it all over to his kids. That’s not very bright is it?

I really don’t think it’s backfired either, sounds like the best thing that could have happened for OP. He on the other hand, is now going to have to sell his house because he doesn’t like to be fair to others.

Have a look for rentals, see if you can have a 6 month tenancy agreement if you’re looking to buy. It might be worth looking a bit further afield if there’s nothing suitable near the dcs’ schools. I can’t (well, I can really) believe how much of a dick he’s being!

Stay calm @Everythingwillbeokk . You were just not suited, you both want different things. You want relationship with commitment. He wants a no commitment girlfriend that will help with housework and bills. It was time to split. No point getting more angry with each other.

I never said anything about rent.

Just make a plan to leave and tell him that's what you are doing and go. He was never going to agree to marriage, that was made clear. There was absolutely no need for the ultimatum, he had been clear

Yes we all make mistakes but this is a pretty big one especially when you have kids to consider and no plan in place.

FWIW I hope her XP will allow her to stay to find a place but there is absolutely no point in being unprepared when you are going to make a life change.

You're not compatible, OP.

Please make sure you follow through on your promise to leave the relationship. Don't let him persuade you to stay on his terms.

I'm not saying she's the bad guy. I am saying that he's not the bad guy - as many on this thread are making him out to be. He presumably thought things were fine until she suddenly ended the relationship because of something he was always open and up front about - ie, not wanting to get married.

Since money does not seem to be a huge issue for OP (thankfully - good work, OP), in the worst case scenario, she can look for a service apartment or short term let or even a Premier Inn + storage or squeeze into her mother's place, whilst she continues to find a longer term rental.

It is not the end of the world if she has to move out suddenly.

She did not bargain on him being so transactional and expecting her to pay for his mortgage indefinitely with no benefit to herself or her dcs, despite their 5 year relationship. She did not threaten him. She simply reminded him of her redlines.

I wonder whether this haste to get her to tell her dcs and put the house on the market is his way of shocking her back to the reality of leaving him. OP, be strong and don't fall for this. Find another place asap and then find a better relationship.

And by the same token, he knew she wanted to, so he shouldn’t have invited her to move herself and her children into his home. Now he has to take some responsibility for that choice, just as she is.

Why are you only holding her responsible for these choices?

God, he's certainly showing you how he feels now, isn't he? Well done OP. This too shall pass. I agree about Air bnb/holiday rental (also, ask around in case anyone/their parents has an annexe you could rent, for example). Really hope you find somewhere asap.

OP, reading your recent updates, I can almost guarantee that your partner doesn't think you're serious. Announcing so fast that he is planning to put the house on the market with his blasé 'let me know when you've told the kids' is him attempting to play a massive game of chicken with you. DON'T fall for it. You need to start preparing to follow through with your decision and move out as soon as possible, because in a couple of days time when he realises you're serious, he's going to crank up the hysterical behaviour.

Surely the issuing of the ultimatum should have coincided with having somewhere else to go. As it stands, demands were made and repercussions outlined, but with no ability to see them through in a timely manner. OP’s position should have been: we want different things, I’ve found a rental/house to buy and we are moving on xxx date. Then left with kids and stated the removal date for large items. Wanting to go clothes shopping (with her soon to be ex) and then do the weekly food shop, seem odd if you’re parting ways. If you issue a threat and don’t follow through, it makes you appear weaker not stronger.