Partner won’t marry me

@Cosyblankets the executor usually. But basically for the purpose of this - if OP sticks around she’s not inheriting it so would have no interest in the property presumably unless it’s set up by licence etc ?!

Voted unreasonable by mistake, sorry!

It would have been kind of you to think of them but unless you were actually a mother figure and brought them up together, they shouldn't be equal

So who pays until the estate has settled?
I've just gone through settlement of an estate, no mortgage involved, and it has taken 10 months to distribution

I definitely think you should leave to protect your own interests and your kids.

But honestly, I'm getting divorced and have been fucked over in a myriad of ways and would therefore NEVER marry or cohab again. Obviously I don't know what his circumstances are.

Hope he's a gent and gives you some of your money back.

Your children
Not someone else's

Yes of course you would. Part of being a parent is providing for your children in the event of your death. Unless you're completely destitute.

@Cosyblankets they wouldn’t need to pay mortgage in the event of death - it would be a debt of the sole estate and would be discharged when the estate is settled. I can understand where he’s coming from - trying to protect his children

Agree with this having gone through a divorce.

But surely you wouldn't expect him to pay his mortgage for his kids in the event of his death?

If it's a Defined Contribution pension fund, you can leave it to whomever you nominate. Lucky DS1 is in for quite the windfall when DH dies... he won't be able to touch it for a while but he'll have a nice nest egg.

I’ve nothing helpful to add other than he’s an utter cockwomble.

The sex of the people involved is completely irrelevant.

I'm a woman - I've been married twice, divorced twice. I do not want to get married ever again.

If I started a relationship with a man on the very clear understanding that I will not get married, I absolutely would not appreciate, some years down the line being given the ultimatum - marry me or I leave!

If I were feeling kind, I might help him pack.

Hi I feel for you as this is a difficult situation . Has he always been clear on not wishing to marry or buy a house ? I ask because I like your husband was married once and would never do it again . I too have a child whom I want to leave everything to
and do not want the potential loss of assets if marriage doesn’t work out . I have been clear about that but I also know that people think they can change other peoples minds so I’ve ended relationships due to that . If he doesn’t meet the ultimatum then you have little option but to decide to end the relationship . The worst thing you can do is waste more years of a
your life hoping he will change his mind. You will resent it in the long run

No one is really objecting to the partner refusing to get married. Most people here, being English and obsessed with the children’s inheritance of real estate, think that is perfectly normal and reasonable.

The thing that strikes me as twattish is him going from “this is a perfectly honorable long term partnership based on love” to “no future fucking then not even the pretense of civility.”

I wouldn’t expect my ex partner to be happy the relationship was ending but I would also expect some common courtesy about the way we leave it. After all its perfectly normal for relationships to break down over time if they are not progressing. OP told him her bottom line and he accepted that he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too. Why the spiteful rage? Does it turn out that he actually needed her money and company? Perhaps he should have thought that through and opened negotiations.

I’d rather be in OP’s situation than his. She can move out and find housing. But he has lost a second woman and sounds like he might lose as much or more of the house as if it had been a divorce. Sucks to be him.

What an odd comment.

He’s just been dumped because of something that he’s said all along.

Of course posters are going to have empathy for him but it was the right decision.

I wonder if it was OP not wanting to get married, if you would feel the same as you do now.

Nah, he sounds like a right piece of work, but OP delivered a heavy ultimatum hoping he would bend. One can’t count on getting one’s own way, that’s why ‘plan b’ is such a well worn cliche.

Slightly curve ball idea, but if he needs/wants to sell the house, would you be able to afford to buy it? Not that you would necessarily want to but just a thought......

He's not necessarily a user. OP is contributing to his mortgage. If she's paying less than it would cost to rent accommodation, then this may be an arrangement that benefits both parties financially

And, in fairness to partner, doesn't sound as though he has misled OP. Sounds like he made it clear what he was (not) offering and she chose not to listen

OP has been very honest about him being honest from the start.

They discussed this before moving in and OP decided that she was happy with no marriage/hoped he’d change his mind.

He made it clear that this was what he wanted and the offer was there for her to move in knowing his views.
She chose to move in any way.

He invited her - he didn’t force her.

If I offer you a big slice of cake and you eat it, don’t blame me if you didn’t lose weight that week because you chose to accept it.

He has absolutely no blame when it comes to not wanting marriage because he was upfront from the start.

If he said he wanted it and then changed his mind after she moved in, my opinion would be very different and he would very much be the bad guy.

But in this situation there is no bad guy.

I think OP was very silly to move her kids into a home where she knew there would be no future.

But I commend her and think it’s great that she is ending the relationship and sticking to her guns.

I also commend him and think it’s great that he’s sticking to his guns and putting his kids before a relationship.

If it were a woman being strong armed into marriage (after messy divorce and asset split) most of these responses would be so different. I must confess I’m finding OP rather bizarre. I’d have had a strategy in place for my request to be declined if children were involved. It will likely take 4 months to buy somewhere, assuming you can find something to buy/offer on next week. Renting short term is just another expense, one that seems a bit pointless to me, this whole thing needed a more careful comms plan. Although OP is the breadwinner she doesn’t have any assets, which is basically where this entire disagreement sprang from. I’m not saying she should suck up his terms, just planned her and the kids exit a little better.

I suppose it’s like paying him rent? As presumably OP won’t be having to pay housing costs elsewhere.

The MRAs have turned up to spin things beyond recognition and make the man out to be the victim!

I didn't miss it but didn't see it as a commitment either. I get it, we've all heard things we hope are a change of heart, we've all made the mistake of hoping it's more than it is too.

That's not the OPs or her XPs fault, we all do and say things we don't always intend in the way it sounded for a variety of reasons. It doesn't mean that you are not allowed to go back to your original long held stand point either we can all change our minds.

Its not coercion! I wont do X unless you do Y might be an ultimatum but its not coercion. Coercion is “fuck me, pay my bills, or I make you homeless overnight.”

Hope that helps!