Page 23 | Partner won’t marry me

Everythingwillbeokk · 2024-09-29T12:06:09+00:00

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids. Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death. So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him) Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

smalltoe · 29/09/2024 19:41

@Naunet
But please don't think I think this man is a prince. He sounds like a prime dickhead

smalltoe · 29/09/2024 19:40

@Naunet
Earning more does NOT make you the breadwinner unless that extra money is being spent financing all the household and raising all the dc and the OP only referred to a vehicle. There was no mention of the OP financially supporting his dc. She pays around half of bills and rent. Thats not supporting anyone else. ^

Simply earning more but say saving it in a personal savings account would not for example make one the breadwinner. Breadwinner means financially supporting not just earning more.
^
The OP has since come back and said she is supporting his dc but that was said after I commented. She hasn't detailed how she supports the other dc

Original poster

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 19:39

HollyKnight · 29/09/2024 19:37

Just be aware that he might try to lure you back in with a sudden change in attitude and promises of marriage and equality. You know now that would just be manipulation to get you back to funding his and his children's lifestyles.

I’m ready for this. I’m also ready for him to start panicking about where his next holiday is coming from - did I mention I fund those too?!

OP posts:

sallyanne33 · 29/09/2024 19:39

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 29/09/2024 13:15

Stop paying towards his mortgage and pay something else instead. Don't be swayed if he has a 'change of heart's and offers marriage down the road sometime. It'll probably be a ploy to keep the status quo. But good for you. Follow through on your decision to go.

I agree. He'll probably give OP a 'shut up ring' to buy himself another few years.

IVbumble · 29/09/2024 19:38

It sounds like you are doing really well in such a difficult situation OP. Remember to pat yourself on your back especially seeing as he never seemed to have your back!

Maybe this might be of help. https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice

In time you will look back on this & breathe a huge sigh of relief.

Housing advice from Shelter - Shelter England

Shelter’s online advice helps millions of people each year with homelessness, council housing, eviction and more

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice

HollyKnight · 29/09/2024 19:37

Just be aware that he might try to lure you back in with a sudden change in attitude and promises of marriage and equality. You know now that would just be manipulation to get you back to funding his and his children's lifestyles.

Original poster

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 19:36

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/09/2024 19:33

Whose name is the car in, @Everythingwillbeokk?

Mine. Thank god. I’d never have my car in anyone else’s name. My kids dad took my car off me when we split when DD was a toddler, it was in his name and had been half funded by my car we had sold. Complete and utter nightmare. I learnt one lesson at least!!!! lol

OP posts:

Lucy25 · 29/09/2024 19:35

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 19:32

What I wanted was a secure unit, all of us. Be married for the fact it is that commitment. Create a home together, one that is ours, for us to grow old in together. One where our grandchildren would come and visit. But unfortunately, it does appear now that I was the only one who wanted this. I think that’s the crux of the issue really. I know it sounds really soft, and thats what I have to let go of now and mourn that it’s never going to happen.

You’re not being unreasonable.

HollyKnight · 29/09/2024 19:35

You should be so glad now that you didn't marry him. What a cunt he is. As soon as you get somewhere else to live you will be free of him. That would be much more difficult to do if you were married.

Naunet · 29/09/2024 19:35

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 19:32

What I wanted was a secure unit, all of us. Be married for the fact it is that commitment. Create a home together, one that is ours, for us to grow old in together. One where our grandchildren would come and visit. But unfortunately, it does appear now that I was the only one who wanted this. I think that’s the crux of the issue really. I know it sounds really soft, and thats what I have to let go of now and mourn that it’s never going to happen.

I’m sorry OP, most of us can see how much you were willing to invest in this relationship, but at least you’ve found out he’s not worth it before you’ve lost too much. You have so much to bring to the table, and you’re worth more than this, you deserve a man as generous and kind as you are.

Charlize43 · 29/09/2024 19:34

You are doing the right thing. Being with someone who doesn't want the same things as you is a recipe for unhappiness and you only have one life.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/09/2024 19:33

Whose name is the car in, @Everythingwillbeokk?

Itonlytakesone · 29/09/2024 19:32

I hope you get away quickly too omg I suppose it's hard to see what's happening until you write it down and discuss it like this but hopefully you will get this sorted now. Good luck.

Original poster

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 19:32

What I wanted was a secure unit, all of us. Be married for the fact it is that commitment. Create a home together, one that is ours, for us to grow old in together. One where our grandchildren would come and visit. But unfortunately, it does appear now that I was the only one who wanted this. I think that’s the crux of the issue really. I know it sounds really soft, and thats what I have to let go of now and mourn that it’s never going to happen.

OP posts:

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 29/09/2024 19:29

Wow. He's quickly dropped the mask hasn't he?

It sounds like he's been using you and now you've told him you're not staying he sees no need to hide his contempt.

I hope you get away quickly.

Original poster

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 19:27

smalltoe · 29/09/2024 19:23

@Naunet

A free ride?! Fuck me, either you’ve not read all OP posts and seen she’s the bread winner, she financially supports HIS kids and he can’t afford the house without her, or you’re so bias against women you can’t see how ridiculous this comment is.
Huh??? She's a higher earner but isn't the breadwinner. Nowhere does it say she has the breadwinner. She doesn't support his kids. She says IF HE DIED she would support them. Not that she supports them now.
He can't afford the mortgage payments on his own so her rent helps pay for that. But you would expect to pay rent surely. She pays half the bills and rent.

You've made up so much stuff it's unreal.

I am actually the breadwinner. And yes I do support his kids both financially and emotionally. And yes, in the event of his death, his children would be regarded by me as mutual responsibilities and I would always have made sure they were financially secure, as my own. And no - he can’t afford the house without my financial contribution.

OP posts:

Choochoo21 · 29/09/2024 19:26

Eddielizzard · 29/09/2024 18:55

She is the higher earner, and also picks up all the household chores. She brings more to this relationship than he does. He's just massively hoisted himself by his own petard.

I wouldn’t care if my DP massively out earned me or did all of the housework.

If I don’t want to get married, then I won’t.

As a single mum, my stability and kids stability comes first.

It’s a shame that the relationship has to end over this, as most people don’t want to marry unless they plan to TTC but I agree that OP has done the right thing.

Naunet · 29/09/2024 19:26

smalltoe · 29/09/2024 19:23

@Naunet

A free ride?! Fuck me, either you’ve not read all OP posts and seen she’s the bread winner, she financially supports HIS kids and he can’t afford the house without her, or you’re so bias against women you can’t see how ridiculous this comment is.
Huh??? She's a higher earner but isn't the breadwinner. Nowhere does it say she has the breadwinner. She doesn't support his kids. She says IF HE DIED she would support them. Not that she supports them now.
He can't afford the mortgage payments on his own so her rent helps pay for that. But you would expect to pay rent surely. She pays half the bills and rent.

You've made up so much stuff it's unreal.

Go try reading through OPs posts again 🙄

By the way, higher earner = breadwinner.

smalltoe · 29/09/2024 19:23

@Naunet

A free ride?! Fuck me, either you’ve not read all OP posts and seen she’s the bread winner, she financially supports HIS kids and he can’t afford the house without her, or you’re so bias against women you can’t see how ridiculous this comment is.
Huh??? She's a higher earner but isn't the breadwinner. Nowhere does it say she has the breadwinner. She doesn't support his kids. She says IF HE DIED she would support them. Not that she supports them now.
He can't afford the mortgage payments on his own so her rent helps pay for that. But you would expect to pay rent surely. She pays half the bills and rent.

You've made up so much stuff it's unreal.

Fastback · 29/09/2024 19:22

Stop paying his mortgage.

MayaPinion · 29/09/2024 19:22

Sorry - cross post! You’ve tried your best, but I think it’s at its end.

Inyournewdress · 29/09/2024 19:21

I’m sorry, I have just read the updates.

It’s a shame he is making this so difficult, but thank goodness you are getting away from this man.

I think once the practicalities are dealt with you will realise he has been bringing you down in all kinds of ways beyond the ones you have shared. He is just clearly that kind of person. Things will be better.

BIossomtoes · 29/09/2024 19:21

He’s going to miss the house and that car @Everythingwillbeokk.

MayaPinion · 29/09/2024 19:20

Choochoo21 · 29/09/2024 14:01

I am your DH.

I do not ever want to get married and I do not want to own a home with a partner.

I have a child from a previous relationship and my stability and her future is way more important to me than getting married or getting a joint tenancy.

You absolutely should be paying him half of the mortgage and bills.
You are living there too and it’s no different to you renting your own place somewhere.

He has been upfront and honest with you.

I am 100% on your DH’s side.

But I still think YANBU because you are just incompatible and you need to move out and find your own place and a man who wants similar things to you.

I agree with this. When you take away all the wedding fripperies a marriage is a legal document conferring rights and responsibilities over assets and succession. That’s all it is. You don’t ’contribute to the mortgage’, you pay rent for you and your children as you would have to do anyway. I agree that this sounds dead in the water. He doesn’t want to marry you for good reasons and he has always been upfront about that. Why did you stay with him when you wanted different things? If he died then you’d continue to pay rent to his children and that would cover the mortgage (though wouldn’t he have life assurance?). Regardless, it looks like like it’s dead in the water. In your shoes I’d move asap, even if it’s somewhere a bit grim, for a few months to get yourself sorted for buying.

Original poster

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 19:16

Lots of messages and I’ve read all of them - thanks all. At a time I’m feeling tired, quite emotional and alone, I feel like I’ve at least got you all.

So answers to a couple of questions - I was renting before moving in here, with a view to buy a house at some point. Renting purely because I had sold our house in another town and had moved myself and my kids to a new town. So have been on and off saving since then.

Ive always been happy to pay half of all bills. In fact I do actually contribute slightly more than him when we’ve sat and worked out the bills. I have also funded the car we view as our ‘family car’ - a large newish 7 seater SUV.

In addition to this - why was I happy to pay towards the mortgage - because we had previous to me moving in, discussed eventually selling and buying a property together. He moved the goalposts here in expecting that I would match his deposit contribution. There is also a time he honestly asked me to ask my elderly Mum if she would do an equity release on her property so I could get my inheritance out early. I shit you not.

Im being completely ignored by him right now - which is awkward but I suppose at least we aren’t arguing.

Also people who have stated my timing isn’t great with making an ultimatum and having nowhere to go - I hadn’t planned on our conversation leading down that path lastnight. However I would expect that any adult in this situation would be reasonable that there are children involved here, and it’s sad for them too. A lot easier if we can just find somewhere to go quite quickly.

OP posts: