Page 20 | Partner won’t marry me

Londonrach1 · 29/09/2024 21:32

You want different things. You know what he wants he knows what you want....you need to decide if you happy to take what he wants or move on and go for what you want? Never sell yourself short by the way!

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2024 21:30

Before I moved in he did all the housework himself. Now and again when I was at his id help him out with housework. At no point did I ever think I’d end up doing everything myself

Then why did you? You chose to, obviously. If my husband had ever tried to get away with me doing everything I would have called him out on that immediately. You write as though this was done to you, when you are the one who chose to. It's baffling. As is you financially supporting his kids. Why on earth you've done that, when you have your own kids, is absurd.

Original poster

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 21:25

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2024 21:17

So what? The op still went along with it. If she was really adamant that marriage was a must for her, she should have never moved in with him in the first place. She did so knowing he was dead set against getting married again. The way so many posters completely absolve women from any and all poor decisions is amazing to me. She has agency. She chose not to use it. She chose to financially support his kids and do all the housework all on her own. No one forced her to do this.

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Before I moved in he did all the housework himself. Now and again when I was at his id help him out with housework. At no point did I ever think I’d end up doing everything myself

Funnily enough though I have complained about this too as he commented that his lack of doing housework was an issue his ex wife used to have too

OP posts:

HollyKnight · 29/09/2024 21:23

"The marriage side I have always made it clear that I wanted marriage, yes he has said he didn’t but has said around a year ago he is warming to the idea. We discussed selling his house and buying somewhere new a month or so ago - great I thought - finally getting some commitment."

@FrostFlowers2025

Original poster

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 21:22

Scentedjasmin · 29/09/2024 21:15

I understand you wanting commitment and a marriage (particularly if you've not been married before). Presumably though, you were ok with having children with someone else without that level of commitment prior to thus partner though, so I am curious as to what has changed.

That said, he us failing to see that in a marriage his children would not miss out, but rather that all your children would be treated equally. At present he seems to want it all on his terms and you both want different things.

My kids dad and I had kids together, a house together and we had discussed that marriage would happen at some point. But actually because we had kids and joint property, it wasn’t something we needed to rush into - and certainly we actually couldn’t have afforded the wedding we wanted at the time anyway, and I didn’t ever need an engagement ring either to demonstrate that we were committed. We split for different reasons though - I think our lives just went in different directions when we had kids - I became a mum, he still wanted to be a lad out all the time. But other than him taking my car, we otherwise had a fairly amicable split and have a good relationship now.

OP posts:

FrostFlowers2025 · 29/09/2024 21:21

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 21:16

I have said he said he was warming to marriage.

He has said this several times over the last 12 months or so. In fact, we even had the conversation again about a month ago whilst we were on holiday. So yes, he has indeed strung me along with the idea that it would happen one day. It clearly never was going to happen though. And my ultimatum also I might add wasnt ‘propose to me immediately’, but was actually that I need it be that marriage is on the cards.

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He sounds like an asshole in either case.

I am still a little puzzled why you moved in and started paying his bills without any commitment from him. So far you have been making all the compromises and he has made none. Was he ever generous before you moved in?

FrostFlowers2025 · 29/09/2024 21:19

AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 29/09/2024 21:15

There’s a ‘read all’ function for OPs posts on the thread. It’s in there! 😉

Edited

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Yeah, thanks. Hadn't tried that yet. 🙄
Still coulnd't find it.

Pumpkinpie1 · 29/09/2024 21:18

If it’s your car he’s been driving , take him off the insurance asap .
Stop doing his household chores & buying his food - if he wants to be single let him be singularly responsible for his own bills including his mortgage payment

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2024 21:17

AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 29/09/2024 21:09

@FrostFlowers2025 He future faked her by claiming to be warming to the idea of marriage.

Edited

So what? The op still went along with it. If she was really adamant that marriage was a must for her, she should have never moved in with him in the first place. She did so knowing he was dead set against getting married again. The way so many posters completely absolve women from any and all poor decisions is amazing to me. She has agency. She chose not to use it. She chose to financially support his kids and do all the housework all on her own. No one forced her to do this.

FrostFlowers2025 · 29/09/2024 21:17

pikkumyy77 · 29/09/2024 21:14

Read all the OP’s posts.

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I have and I can't find the part where he said he was "warming up to marriage". I only found the part where he promised to buy a property together but then changed his mind after OP moved in.

Edit: Crossed posted. I see your reply, OP.

Original poster

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 21:16

FrostFlowers2025 · 29/09/2024 21:12

Where? I have read and reread OP's post and it seems he was very clear from the get go.

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I have said he said he was warming to marriage.

He has said this several times over the last 12 months or so. In fact, we even had the conversation again about a month ago whilst we were on holiday. So yes, he has indeed strung me along with the idea that it would happen one day. It clearly never was going to happen though. And my ultimatum also I might add wasnt ‘propose to me immediately’, but was actually that I need it be that marriage is on the cards.

OP posts:

AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 29/09/2024 21:15

FrostFlowers2025 · 29/09/2024 21:12

Where? I have read and reread OP's post and it seems he was very clear from the get go.

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There’s a ‘read all’ function for OPs posts on the thread. It’s in there! 😉

Scentedjasmin · 29/09/2024 21:15

I understand you wanting commitment and a marriage (particularly if you've not been married before). Presumably though, you were ok with having children with someone else without that level of commitment prior to thus partner though, so I am curious as to what has changed.

That said, he us failing to see that in a marriage his children would not miss out, but rather that all your children would be treated equally. At present he seems to want it all on his terms and you both want different things.

pikkumyy77 · 29/09/2024 21:14

FrostFlowers2025 · 29/09/2024 21:12

Where? I have read and reread OP's post and it seems he was very clear from the get go.

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Read all the OP’s posts.

FrostFlowers2025 · 29/09/2024 21:12

AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 29/09/2024 21:09

@FrostFlowers2025 He future faked her by claiming to be warming to the idea of marriage.

Edited

Where? I have read and reread OP's post and it seems he was very clear from the get go.

AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 29/09/2024 21:09

@FrostFlowers2025 He future faked her by claiming to be warming to the idea of marriage.

FrostFlowers2025 · 29/09/2024 21:08

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t

Why on Earth didn't you end it then and there? Were you hoping he'd change his mind?

Editted to make it make sense.

Silvertulips · 29/09/2024 21:08

If you marry a new man and then divorce, he can take half of your property which could leave you and your kids in a very bad position

No OP would sell her house, ring fence the deposit and pay jointly towards a joint asset.

Which is what she was asking him to do.

AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 29/09/2024 21:05

Choochoo21 · 29/09/2024 20:10

So you won’t put your car in his name but you expect him to put his house in your name?
Can you not see the irony in that?
Surely you can see how he feels, purely because you feel the same with your car.

You have been stung in the past and so it’s important for you to keep some things separate.

He has also been stung in the past and wants to do the same and more importantly he wants to protect his kids.

I don’t understand your reasons for wanting to be married because I too, do not want to get married.

I don’t understand why you couldn’t either live separately, buy your own home and then eventually move in together and rent it out or just get a buy to let property.

But I understand and commend you for having your boundaries and sticking to them (even if they are a bit late).

Your opinion hasn’t changed and neither has his.
Neither of you are in the wrong, you are just incompatible.

I would advise that if you meet someone new in the future and then move them into your home that is in your name, you take time to consider whether you want to put their name on the mortgage or get married.

I know lots of posters would be saying you should put him on your mortgage and get married but you have kids and it’s important that you protect yourself and your future assets.

If you marry a new man and then divorce, he can take half of your property which could leave you and your kids in a very bad position.

Marriage is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

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By your way of thinking he would own the car and the house and OP would walk away with the clothes she stands up in.

You can’t jointly own a car. Only one person can own a car. OP has paid for the car. It’s her car.

You can jointly own a house. OPs ex wants her to pay for the house too, just not own any of it.

This isn’t irony. This is you not understanding what irony means.

Silvertulips · 29/09/2024 21:04

well done for being proactive. I how he realizes what he’s losing for being tight and untruthful.

Why do these men take all and never give? Mind boggles sometimes.

Original poster

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 21:01

Ineffable23 · 29/09/2024 20:53

Ignore the crazy answers OP, it sounds like you're being very sensible.

Re airbnbs, you can usually message the owners before you book anything and so you could ask if they would offer a significant discount for a long term let if they are quiet over winter, but I imagine the trouble would be if they have short term Christmas bookings etc.

I’m going to ring the estate agents in the local area tomorrow. With thought, the house near to us that came up for rent earlier this year didn’t go on right move for weeks, but was on the local estate agents website within days - I only know this because out of pure interest at how much they were marketing it for I had a look. So I’m thinking maybe if I try to get calls from them directly instead? I’ve got quite a specific area. I’m in a really good financial position, good credit rating, savings - and I can also gain a good reference from my previous letting agency too. Fingers crossed something comes up quickly. I hate that I’m having to do this, but I know it’s the right thing to do, and I have my little team, me and my kids.

The air BnB one I just couldn’t do - it was depressing to say the least. I mean, I’m desperate but I just couldn’t put my kids in there.

OP posts:

Pancakeorcrepe · 29/09/2024 20:56

You’re well rid of this horrible man.

pikkumyy77 · 29/09/2024 20:56

You are really well out of it, OP! The dismount may be tricky but oh the freedom when you have moved on.

Original poster

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 20:54

Naunet · 29/09/2024 20:52

All I’ve done is point out where you’ve made inaccurate comments because you didn’t read OPs posts properly. I’m sorry if you see that as bullying.

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Let’s keep it positive all 😊your support it what’s getting me through this. It’s took me a long while to have the guts to tell him how I felt, it’s taking more to keep it going

OP posts:

martinisforeveryone · 29/09/2024 20:54

I'm glad you're moving on. He's not loving, he's treating you as a convenience and a cash point. He's so uncaring and disrespectful when he's spoken to you in the posts above. Unthinkable. Life will be so much better.