Partner won’t marry me

I'd make it work at your mum's if she's willing to. Inflatable beds these days are rather comfortable and anything would be better than being beholden to him.

Yeah I agree with you here.

There’s no way children aren’t going to be affected or upset by such upheaval. If they’re genuinely “fine” right now it’s because their feelings are numbed somehow while they’re still processing it , but it will eventually hit them. Or the other alternative is they hated living with this other family and are secretly glad to be leaving 👀 but assuming they were happy and settled and liked their step-dad figure and his family they will surely be affected. It would actually be weird if they hadn’t developed any attachment at all over the last 3 years.

As a former educator, a lot of the time parents chose to believe kids who said they were fine during family upheaval but it was always evident to staff that they weren’t. You’d immediately see a change in their behaviours and interactions and often they’d tell us straight how upset they were.

I don’t even say this to rub it in but just to say be mindful of how kids can be very protective of their parents feelings and hide their own distress.

Who are you trying to convince? Me, or yourself?

OP, get prepared for the worst case scenario, it will help you take control.
Look at getting storage too.
Don't be caught on the hop.
Don't give him another penny.
Do nothing further for him, no lifts etc.
The sooner you are gone the better.

They're fine? I guess your interpretation of that is quite different from mine. These children are now going to have to, rather abruptly, leave their home of three years, which is a long time for kids, and they are undoubtedly living in a really unpleasant atmosphere due to the breakdown of the op's relationship, and the fact that her now ex-partner is a prick. All of this is something they have had to endure before when the op's relationship with their father ended. All of this, with the current partner, could have been avoided.

What's that got to do with what I said? She wasn't paying him rent. She was paying towards a mortgage on a house she doesn't own.

The OP has protected her children. She hasn't left herself and her children trapped and vulnerable without money and relying on him. They are fine.

@Everythingwillbeokk

Well, looks like he wanted a 'nanny with a fanny' and you fit the bill. He never intended to marry you, he was just 'keeping you sweet'. But you wouldn't be the first woman who has fallen for that and you won't be the last. Or thought "He'll see how great we are and want to marry me" about a man who has said they'd never marry. I'm holding my own hand up on that one!!! It was a hard lesson, but I learnt it well.

At this point you need to separate your daily lives. No more cooking for him, cleaning, laundry, 'admin', and of course no sex and NO money. If he's going to play hardball, so can you.

I was wondering, you say you have a good relationship with your DC's dad. Is there any way your DC could go to him temporarily and you move in with Mum? I know you said Mum has only one spare room, but does she have a sofa? Someone would end up on a blow up mattress, but I think things are going to get ugly where you are so you need to think about alternatives if you have to leave suddenly. And I know if I were your mum I'd gladly let you & DC 'come home', even if it meant sleeping in the bathtub.

Your alternative would be to make nice, apologize for being 'emotional' to keep things calm and a roof over your head, all the while making your plans and then GTFO as soon as you've secured a rental.

Because remember, since you aren't married and your name is not on the house he can lock you out, he can kick you out and there is nothing you'll be able to do about it. He's an LEO and he knows this, trust me.

She should have protected herself, and her children, from this possibility. She chose not to.

It's not the same as paying rent because paying rent is supposed to give you rights and the law protects you from your landlord from doing whatever he wants. The OP has paid thousands towards this man's mortgage and he can literally kick her out tonight if he wants to. She has no rights because she is not renting a home from him.

DP and I mid 40s. He has an adult child I have none. We own our own houses, mortgage nearly paid off on each and spend 5 days together. It’s a pain to live in 2 houses. We want to live together but both want our security if it goes wrong and his house is his child’s inheritance. Neither of us want to move into the others house as it’s not ours.

so we got advice. When we buy we are going to secure our deposits and share equity if he split up. If he dies first I live in the house till I die or sell. Then the 50% goes to his child as inheritance and the other 50% to my nominated person. Works same for him if I die first. Can’t you do that!

"If the sexes were reversed" is this year's go-to gotcha that isn't 🙄

No. If a woman wrote that her DP pays half her mortgage, more than his share of everything else, bought the car and pays all its expenses including fuel, pays for their holidays, does all the housework and cares for her children along with his own, she'd have her arse handed to her.

If she then asked if she WBU to retain full ownership of her house and to exclude him and his children from her will and her pension, we'd all be asking where she found a sucker like him and can we get one!

Tbh I am gobsmacked that anyone can be that thick. Does he think that on his death you will just not tell the mortgage company and keep paying it?!

@Everythingwillbeokk

Can you confirm something please?

Did he actually say that if he dies, you can stay in the house as long as you keep paying the mortgage until it is paid off and then give/leave it to his kids? (Has he not heard of life insurance?)

So he wants you to pay potentially hundreds of thousands on a mortgage for a property that you have zero claim on?!

It isnt even possible anyway as you would have to buy the kids out of their shares and get a mortgage for the rest in your name, in which case it would then legally be your to do with as you wish.

This.
You went in knowing he didn't want to get married. Clearly you hoped to change his mind and it took 4 years to wear him down and he 'warmed to the idea'
Contributing to the mortgage is neither here nor there because I assume if you were renting you'd be paying out that money anyway.
Funding holidays, a car and doing all the housework was the choice you made for some reason even knowing his stance.

Some weird posts here... people seem to be berating you. I'm not sure why. Do people think the op should stay??
Because she should have seen this coming?
I don't think anyone thinks the OP should stay. At least, I haven't seen a single post saying that 🤷‍♀️
Do you not think the OP "should have seen this coming" after he was crystal clear that he did not ever want to be married again?
Both parties were clear on their position but the OP obviously thought she could change his mind. He made some noises about 'warming to the idea' after 4 years but more likely he just wanted his cushy life to go on as it was.

Ultimatums are pointless if you don't follow through which is hard to do if you don't actually go anywhere. I also suspect that, even now, if he gives in on the marriage for an easier life, that's all it would take for the OP to stay with this twat

YANBU. It's clear he doesn't care enough about you. So, move on. Sorry.

How is he a user? She should be paying something for living there, same as rent.
If sexes were reversed, she'd be called a cocklodger for not wanting to pay.
I agree she's silly for moving in when he made it clear what the situation was.

I was in the same position last year! A year on…I’ve bought a house for me and my son, we got a dog too and haven’t looked back, living our best lives! It’s not always easy but it will be worth it! You deserve someone who is looking out for you too not just his own. You got this.

What do they call it? Weaponised incompetence. It really is a thing that those who use this as a strategy are quite capable of doing the work but step back until you are worn down and do it anyway.

You are doing the right thing @Everythingwillbeokk and putting your kids first. Your partner really has shot himself in the foot in assuming you would accept your lot and would be willing to disadvantage your own kids.