Partner won’t marry me

You’ve been tedious on this thread. You’ve really taken against the OP. I mean, you often do, but this is over and over. You have a bad weekend? 😂

Thank you. I don't know what I couldn't find. I had read through OP's post several times, but must have kept missing it.

I guess the change of tune was to keep OP around because he found it useful. Personally I would still have ended it when he made his first pronouncement if no marriage was a dealbreaker for me.

But that is easy to say now that I am a middle aged woman, because in my early twenties I let way to many dealbreakers slide and stuck around in relationships for way too long.

Aquamarine is a troll or some very highly opinionated person with too much time on their hands. Im surebive seen this name before being rure innprevious threads. @Everythingwillbeokk and the rest of us need to ignore their comments for them to go away.

I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children.

Then he said as I don’t have the exact same figure in my savings as the equity on his property that he won’t be buying with me - despite me saying he can ringfence his deposit.

...he wants any future equity I contribute to go to his children only, even if we moved house, he would not want me to be on the mortgage and would always want it solely in his name. This is just where I draw the line.

The mortgage has gone up since his marital split - I do think him struggling to pay it was part of the reason he asked me to move in. But now it’s gone up even more, he definitely can’t afford it without me

There is also a time he honestly asked me to ask my elderly Mum if she would do an equity release on her property so I could get my inheritance out early.

The car I pay for by myself - and also cover the costs of him driving it. He has never even put fuel in it once. These are not the same things.

Honestly OP, he sounds beyond thick! You could have bought a house together, his kids' inheritance would have been protected (and possibly more than they are likely to get now), as would your right to a home but he can't see beyond his greedy and unreasonable plan to have you fund it for him. Glad you're almost out and that you've seen him for what he is.
I will say though that if a man says he doesn't want marriage, believe him. Do not lay any store by signs of him "warming" to the idea.

Asking you to ask your mum for your inheritance is a red flag and CF behaviour.
Good luck to him in the future.
He’s going to need it!

You are absolutely obsessed and extremely rude to the OP. Its really not ok.

For a week or a month maybe? Then she moves with her dc. He sounds like he expects her to pay it until they are adults and can take over their inheritance. All moot anyway hopefully as she is moving out asap and freeing herself of him.

@Everythingwillbeokk

Honestly, you have your head screwed on right and are making all good moves. Although you know you don't want to go to Mum's (and I get it) I'd let her know what's going on just in case things turn unpleasant and you need to go.

Except, I don't think I'd attempt to talk to him about anything. What would be the point. He's not going to change who he is or what he thinks. You already know he's not going to make this 'easy' for you so honestly the less said between you, the better. If he's giving you the silent treatment, consider it a blessing in disguise and carry on bravely, doing what needs to be done. Once you've got your ducks in a row, then tell him "I'll be out in 24 hours" or whatever.

And as far as that poster criticizing your parenting, your kids will be fine because they have you and (as I said) your head is screwed on right. Many children have gone through much worse and have come out fine because their parents knew what to do. So that poster can go suck eggs.

OP, he doesn't sound like a person who is prepared to discuss anything unless you just blindly agree with him.
After having your DC in the house for 3 years, he shows little compassion for them in his expectation that you should just get out. Its also an upheaval for his own kids who you have been caring for, so not much consideration for them by him either.
He sounds supremely selfish and sulky.
Many have said stop all bills and the car and food etc...
But I think you may have to play this carefully to keep buying yourself time for practicalities, even if it's just a week or two, whilst at the same time being prepared for a hasty exit if necessary, just in case all co-operation or allowing you entry to get your belongings might cease abruptly. This might mean taking a day or two off work to organise things and perhaps getting a friend or a "man with a van" on stand by to get what you can into storage. Changing any paperwork and setting up a post office referral to your Mum for eg make sure you still get your mail during the transition. Particularly getting the kids things - anything sentimental etc.. making sure you have both car keys etc. This all sounds like a difficult time for you, but you sound more than capable of moving away from this unhappy situation to a better one. Best of luck.

Because people never change their minds about the future? I think it is pretty normal to not want to get married again after being burned by a previous relationship. But it's also pretty normal to move on from that in time, especially when you meet someone else. The OP decided to give it some time and he indeed started to warm to the idea of marriage and buying a house together.

My pleasure. I couldn’t keep consistently reading through all of their tripe and not say anything because frankly it was derailing and attempting to take away from the posts that have offered invaluable advice and support. I rather expect that was the aim but I wouldn’t say it’s a worthwhile use of your time to be giving that poster any more of your attention. They simply don’t deserve it.

You are taking all of the right steps to ensure that your children’s lives will be as stable as possible. It’s takes a lot of courage to accept that people and plans won’t always work out the way we had hoped and to be brave enough to know when to cut our losses and move on from them. Plenty of relationships break down for various reasons and with a mother as sensible and committed as you sound OP your children will thrive and be perfectly happy. No one knows your children like you do and they are remarkably resilient beings. Not only are you ring fencing their future, you are teaching them that as people they deserve to be treated with respect and in turn how they should treat others. You should be proud of yourself. I wish you the very best of luck. X

Totally understandable that you feel really sad. 💜 I gasped when I saw the comment about not having to be nice to you any more (like he’d been acting the whole time or something?)
Better things await you in your future. My boss didn’t want to marry again after his first marriage ended but he did eventually feel moved to wanting to do that with his long term gf. It does happen and you weren’t unreasonable to hang on for similar, just hopeful.
Renting should definitely enable you to move more quickly and I guess you can start putting things in storage any time to help feel more organised and able to flit as soon as new accommodation allows. Hope you see something you like.

He "changed" his mind. Which you will know if you have read the OP's posts.

Not entering into a relationship when you already know you're not compatible is a great way to avoid a breakdown, as well.

If he is not talking to you about next steps, then he is in no mood to let you and your dcs stay for much longer. He is police. He can get his mates to come round to turf you out.

I'd say bite the bullet and tell your mum you need to move in urgently. It is the fastest solution. Sleeping on the sofa is fine. Book storage, pack boxes and a van now. Once you are out, you remove his power over you. It will give you breathing space and a chance to regroup.

He will be in deep doodoo because he is going to default on the mortgage, needs to sell the house in a hurry, has no car and also needs to find a smaller place for him and his dcs. That is probably why he has not booted you and dcs out yet.

Cannot believe he is so obstructive and such a dick. He really did expect you to pay for his mortgage forever and provide cleaning and other services forever simply because you are a woman he is keeping on a string. The cheek of him. I cannot help thinking that he is one of those misogynistic police you read about.

Still so glad for you that you have your own career and ability to provide for your own dcs. Best insurance ever.

Breakdowns in relationships can happen to anyone. Even if they had got married or bought a house together, this still could have happened. The only way to protect children from relationship breakdowns is to never have children.

You are exceptionally boring and it is absolutely transparent that you are just a deeply unpleasant person with a disturbingly incessant need just to be nasty. All you have done is consistently post with a lame attempt to distort the information the OP has given and create your own narrative, all of it purely fictional to be spiteful. It’s frankly painfully embarrassing to read. The OP has already politely indicated that your opinions are not welcome or regarded and yet you are relentless in your torrent of malicious, finger pointing waffle. Why on earth do you think she needs to justify herself to you? Unbelievably crass and entitled.

Mumsnet is designed to offer help to people in vulnerable positions such as the OP. You’re not providing any form of help and assistance - constructive or otherwise so do everyone a favour and just bow out disgracefully and let people who actually have a basic grasp of emotional intelligence support the OP. Thanks.

How are you doing OP?
Sorry to see it’s turned out so badly and he’s being pretty awful. What are you planning to do - rent somewhere asap? Could you buy a place? How old are your kids, will that influence what type of place you move to? As in, will they be at home with you for a while yet or not? Would a new build that’s ready now/soon be an option for you?