Partner won’t marry me

I was in a similar situation and my ex backtracked . The difference was that it was OUR house ( bought together just before we married ) and OUR children .

it took me 6 months to get everything in place as I had to change jobs as we worked together . For that 6 months he acted just like @Everythingwillbeokks ex, wouldn’t speak to me etc

Just as I was leaving, he announced that he had changed his mind ( about the issue that we were splitting up over ) . He said he has decided months ago but the wanted to wait until he felt I had been punished enough and had suffered enough .

He was really surprised when I didn’t fall into his arms again . During the divorce he kept saying that he had tried to reconcile and I was the hard hearted bitch who wouldn’t.

so he warned @Everythingwillbeokk . He might try to keep you to pay the bills for a few more months .

Blanking you is RAGE on his part! You have really messed up his life-plan and finances -by thinking for yourself and acting to ensure fairness.

Hang in there -keep thinking that this is the tough patch and things will get better for you.

Be ready for him to backtrack.

I really feel for you. My ex h and I had a row last week and now he won't help empty the house and do tip runs as doesn't want to see me. We were together over 27 years and he already has a new woman two months after we divorce. The silent treatment is abusive. Stay strong. Tbh if you are near me you'd be welcome to stay with me as I room. Women have to stick together.

He’s not stringing her along. He’s been clear he doesn’t want to marry her, and that his kids come first.🤷‍♀️

Just remember, you’re heartbroken not at losing this man, but at discovering he isn’t worth keeping. The man you have lost is just the man you thought or hoped he could be…and that was never who this guy really is. You are worth so much more. Onwards and upwards, it will be when the first difficult stages have passed.

I think this is all an act to try to control you. He sounds beyond redemption. Thank your lucky stars you found this out now, lucky escape. Stay strong. You can do this and you are in the strong position, whatever, he may choose to try to make you believe.

Honestly op, a sofa or blow up at your mums is fine.
The sooner you are out of there the better.

💐@Everythingwillbeokk just came on to say I was reading yesterday but didn't post. I really admire your strength of character. You're not going to let him walk over you any longer. There are so many good things in your life: your children, who sound lovely, the fact that you have savings, you can drive and have a car, your mum, your judgement.

Am keeping everything crossed for you that you (all three of you) don't have to live under the conditions you're now in for very long. It won't do any of you any good mentally. I love your username. It shows so much positivity. Keep saying it to yourself. Everything will be. You have strength.

@Everythingwillbeokk my best advice is to get out as soon as you can. I stayed in a house with an ex for months until we got it sorted and it was, hands down, the most horrible time of my life. If you can bail to a combination of your mum's and a rental do it.
He sounds horrible.

Very very best of luck. Thank goodness you now know his real thoughts!

Give yourself lots of grace and feel sad for a few minutes if necessary in the morning. Then take decisive physical action (like sit ups, a brisk shower, a quick set of jumping jacks) then get right into the move.

You are really having such a kucky escape. Its not like you are leaving a viable relationship with a wonderful person. You may have thought tgat is what this was evolving into but that was wrong. He is an absolute user of a person. He has been using you and keeping you too busy with an imitation of life to realize how far he was willing to compromise your security and happiness.

In Dorothy Sayer’s Murder Mystery Strong Poison the character Harriet Vane was, against her principles, in a years long public affair with her lover whose modern principles supposedly meant he wouldn’t marry her. After ruining her socially he offered her marriage but she turned him down because she realized what a farce he had made of her—that he really only wanted to see how low she would stoop for love of him.

This is your situation. You thought living together and sharing life was a sign of real respect and affection even without marriage. You thought—quite reasonably—that marriage was the next logical step. And despite all the mumsnet sophistry it is. If people love each other marriage and a serious legal bond makes caregiving and support easier. Often people even (gasp) want to do it in order to be that most important key family member, to be thr spouse and not an fwb.

But he didn’t look at you this way because that’s not who he is. Its not because of who you are. Its who he is. He lacks confidence in himself. So he can’t act like a man confident in a marriage. can’t enter into a marriage except by thinking of its inevitable disastrous end.

You are really lucky you can leave after only 5 years wasted. I am so sorry this has happened but honestly the only thing worse would be marriage with this cold fish.

Well done @Everythingwillbeokk , you are being strong , brave and decisive. I know it’s desperately hard when you are falling apart inside but just keep on keeping on.

It’s so hard when someone we loved very much and thought we were building a future with turns out to be a total bastard. The only consolation is that you found out before you married him or had kids with him . Some women ( like me ) are not so smart ☹️

Sadness is to be expected when you are facing a major life change that you didnt really want. But today is another day to start your new life. Hopefully the agents will have property to look at.

I wouldnt stop doing things for his children but I would be restricting what I did for him. Your children will miss the other kids, although how much depends on whether they like them.

He needs your help - and your cash - at present so unless he gets a buyer quickly for his house he cant afford to force you out. He will want you gone when he has a buyer though.

You are doing the right thing, you will be fine.

You should have left a long time ago. He sees you as impotent ~ she says she wants marriage and stability, but she moved in with me anyway. Clearly she doesn't mean what she says. Hopefully you will move out and live your own, lovely life. Onward and upward!

Perhaps he won’t want to turf you out before you’ve found a rental property, as he can’t afford the mortgage on his own (and will need to buy/insure/tax a car, by the sounds of things). House sales aren’t quick! Does he have much in savings to bridge the gap between you leaving and him downsizing?

The best thing to do at this point is not respond to any more posts by that poster. Just act like they've not posted. They'll get bored and go find someone else to go at like a terrier down a rat hole.

Well done, you are putting a good plan together.
Children do react to what they see, so if you can keep it as much together whilst the upheaval is going on, it will help.
If mum is coping, they will cope better.
Let the tears flow in private or later.

It is so much better that you know now.
He sounds so thick.
He honestly expected you to pour money down the drain while being his skivvy for nothing?
Marriage to him was no prize.

Having savings has saved more women than not.
"Every woman should have a running away fund"....my grandmother told me that nearly 50 years ago!

Its as solid advice today as it was then....you never know when you will need it.

Check have friends a bit of empty space to take things, you never know they might.

I've been reading the whole thread with great admiration for you, @Everythingwillbeokk (and none whatsoever for the persistently goady poster). I do hope your day gets better, I should imagine that the absolute awfulness of your ex's behaviour is just now starting to sink in. I'm sure you are capable of turning this around and making a positive of it - keep imagining how much better you will feel once you and your children are well settled in your new home without him using you and bringing you down.
I echo the sage advice being given by many upthread. I tend to think, given how this man is reacting now, that you might be best to bite the bullet and remove yourselves to your mother's asap, with the intention of renting or finding a suitable local airbnb for the short-term, as quickly as you can, whilst you regroup mentally and physically.
I hope you have a better day than you are expecting, and if not, a lot of kindly MN women are here to support you if you need it.

You have seen the real him... He even admits that being nice to you was an effort for him. (The man who let you pay and do his housework and cared nothing about your future has a poor idea of 'nice' anyway.)

It is good that you know that you deserve better. You do - and so do your children.

If you were not strong, he could have kept you paying his way for nothing but a bit of 'niceness'.

I am glad that you can drive away from him. Best of luck with getting your own place. Don't look back.

I’m sorry to read that you are upset. This is not your fault. He future faked and actually took advantage of you.

Please stop doing any housework that is not of benefit for you and your DC. Stop contributing to his mortgage (maybe still pay for 50% of the bills) and I certainly wouldn’t be cooking for him.

I have just read through the pages and wish you well in sorting things out for yourself and your children. I was however so disgusted with one person’s comments that I reported them. I thought this was a site for support not trying to put someone down all the time.

Just be really careful re: garage, I stored some boxes in a friend’s garage during a house move and discovered that a very small water incursion had affected several cardboard boxes damaging/ruining the contents. Put things on a pallet or shelving where possibly (don’t put cardboard on tarpaulin in the floor), and make sure cardboard doesn’t touch the walls…

They’ve been here donkeys. They’re here every day. There was another one years ago called Bluntness or something. I wonder if it’s the same person. They post on and off all day, every day.

It’s par for the course. I’ve noticed it too. Perhaps a hobby’s in order.