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Original poster

Partner won’t marry me

964 replies

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

OP posts:
Abitofalark · 30/09/2024 23:35

I knew a case where a family turned up one morning without warning in a couple of vehicles at the home of a mother with children, packed up and took her and the children away. There was nothing the shocked husband or his family could do.

If you could plan to rustle up a couple of your friends or gather some from the facebook single mums' group, you could get out of there pretty quick. Which would be all to the good. Being free of him and free of the strain of the terrible atmosphere would be a massive relief.

Cem82 · 30/09/2024 23:30

Do get in a team of friends to help you pack as it takes ages on your own! Maybe stealth sneak bits to your mums that he won’t notice in advance - he could turn petty and start claiming some of your stuff is his!

AcrossthePond55 · 30/09/2024 23:29

Best of luck on the house you've found.

And just keep it up. Him giving you the silent treatment, whilst unsettling, is much better than the alternative!

As far as doing a 'midday flit', it's amazing how fast things can get done with a couple of friends. We moved my BFF and 'her half' of her 3 bed 2 bath house in about 4 hours; 2 cars, 1 pickup, 2 women, & 2 teen boys. We threw anything unbreakable in bin bags (including pots, pans, & kitchen plastic), pulled drawers full of clothes and put them on the car seats rather than packing them. Clothes from the closets, towels, etc all bin bags. The only things that got properly packed were breakables. Her new cottage was a jumble of boxes, bin bags, and furniture with the drawers on the floor. I think it took her a good week to sort everything out, but she was free and that's what mattered.

LePetitMaman · 30/09/2024 23:29

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 30/09/2024 23:26

Great about the house! Well done for getting on it so quickly (and for keeping your dignity and strength). I hope this one works out - but if not, finding one this quickly does suggest that there will be others.

He must be puzzled by your sense of your own worth at this time - and the way his refusal has not left you prostrate.

Yes to packing up without a word. A team of friends could help you do it in hours.

As you pack up the house -remember that he owes you and not the other way around. It is absolutely fair to take your own belongings even if he does not have replacements.

Absolutely this.

And take everything that's yours. He was happy to properly fuck you and you children over. So don't leave him a bloody tin opener if you bought it.

Oh the audacity that he'll have to fund himself now.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 30/09/2024 23:26

Great about the house! Well done for getting on it so quickly (and for keeping your dignity and strength). I hope this one works out - but if not, finding one this quickly does suggest that there will be others.

He must be puzzled by your sense of your own worth at this time - and the way his refusal has not left you prostrate.

Yes to packing up without a word. A team of friends could help you do it in hours.

As you pack up the house -remember that he owes you and not the other way around. It is absolutely fair to take your own belongings even if he does not have replacements.

Awfeck · 30/09/2024 23:07

The man's a fool.

Shoemadlady · 30/09/2024 23:03

Everything crossed for you. He's treated you terribly and you owe him nothing

Silvers11 · 30/09/2024 22:50

Fingers crossed for tomorrow then OP!

LePetitMaman · 30/09/2024 22:49

@Everythingwillbeokk you are inspirational

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 30/09/2024 22:48

I actually can’t believe it - there’s a house that’s just shown up for rent. Right area for the kids, price totally doable. I’ve enquired about it online but will follow up with a call tomorrow morning.

Ive got some spare time this week, I can potentially view it without him knowing. Wouldn’t it be just the perfect revenge though if he just came home one day, and I was gone!

I owe him nothing - he doesn’t need to know when or where I am going - and indeed once I am gone he really will struggle with his mortgage payment. He also has zero in savings so I know that he has nothing to tide himself over with - or even be able to replace furniture/home items I will be taking. He owns nothing in the kitchen for example.

OP posts:
noodlezoodle · 30/09/2024 22:47

You're doing great OP. Can the friends that know help you with househunting?

I would also see if they can ask around their networks to see if anyone has a place going empty or an annnexe that you could use in the very short term? I think there are often places like that that people don't want to formerly rent out but could help to tide you over.

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/09/2024 21:58

I admire your dignity and pride.

You will have an uphill few months but by the new year you will be in a much better place, mentally and practically.

Awfeck · 30/09/2024 21:57

You're nearly there. You can get lots sorted tomorrow. I think you will soon be thinking you dodged a bullet, in not marrying him.
As soon as you find a property, you'll be feeling better. X

BIossomtoes · 30/09/2024 21:39

You’re doing brilliantly. Proud of you. 💐

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 30/09/2024 21:32

It’s been a very weird day. For the first time ever I just pulled off the motorway today on my journey home from my meeting (about 2 hours each way), and just sat in my car. It is a huge upheaval. I need to find a house - I’ve hunted early evening online and nothing. Need to ring letting agents. Added to my to do list for the morning.

I can’t eat - I know it’s stress/anxiety because of what I’m going through. Even weirder is my period started today 2 weeks early - thinking this is also possibly an extreme side effect of stress, albeit even a new one for me.

I’ve got a day in the house tomorrow by myself - which I think actually will be good as I don’t have to put a brave face on for anyone - so this is where I can start getting the important things together. There are things I can’t replace I have stored here so they will be the first to move

I don’t want to physically speak to people I know face to face - DD had a club tonight and usually there is a school mum I sit with. I ‘accidentally’ sat somewhere else - I feel like I’m going to cry and I’m determined to not break in public. I have a couple of friends that know what’s going on, they have checked in on me, and we’ve set it now that I’ll message them each morning to check in. Even if it’s just to say morning, and that I do still feel like crap.

Hes still very much ignoring me - I know it’s anger from him and he’s doing it to unsettle me.

What I do know will be really getting to him is that on the surface im ok - made an extra effort with hair, make up and my work outfit today, and made sure he saw. Kids have had a lovely home made meal, the house is organised. I’m putting on a show that I’m ok and that I’m not hurt, I won’t give him that satisfaction.

OP posts:
Toptops · 30/09/2024 21:20

Peonies12 · 29/09/2024 13:15

Why on earth have you been contributing to his mortgage. He’s allowed to not want to get married again. Good on you for leaving though, if it’s not what you want. You might want to see a solicitor to see if you can recoup the money you’ve paid to his mortgage.

This.

labourlost · 30/09/2024 20:14

@Everythingwillbeokk I’ve been reading through this thread and wanted to say how resilient you are coming across.
I was/am in a kind of similar position (police made my ex leave in the end) but living in the house together was really awful.

You sound lovely and I’m so pleased you are in the fortunate position of having your own money to walk away. I really hope you are able to move on soon and that life gets better for you xx

blueshoes · 30/09/2024 20:09

Getonwitit · 30/09/2024 20:05

I am sure you have already thought of this but please move any valuables, paperwork or special bits to your Mums just in case he decides to change the locks.

Good advice.

Getonwitit · 30/09/2024 20:05

I am sure you have already thought of this but please move any valuables, paperwork or special bits to your Mums just in case he decides to change the locks.

Garlictest · 30/09/2024 19:54

Awfeck · 30/09/2024 19:48

What does that mean?

Show quote history

"The way of a fool is rightful in his eyes; but he that is wise, heareth counsels" (Proverbs 12:15)

Fortunately for OP, she's changed her "way" and hearing counsel to dump the grasping twat.

Awfeck · 30/09/2024 19:48

thebestinterest · 30/09/2024 19:17

You sound like a rightful fool.

What does that mean?

Tae1 · 30/09/2024 19:42

Oh I could well see him back track as the potential disruption to his selfish life becomes apparent.

I really hope the OP isn't take in by such a manipulative using twat.

Kw1234hhggf · 30/09/2024 19:34

thebestinterest · 30/09/2024 19:17

You sound like a rightful fool.

You sound like an illiterate twat.

thebestinterest · 30/09/2024 19:17

You sound like a rightful fool.

Abitofalark · 30/09/2024 18:38

Not surprised that you feel wretched. It's a huge emotional and life upheaval and a lot to cope with. You haven't had much time to arrange things but I think it would be better for you to clear out and not stay there any longer as that is an additional strain on you with the whole shock of the situation, the sulking, the atmosphere of hostility and the threat that he would make it difficult for you. Better by far to be in an atmosphere of warmth and protection with your mother while you cope with the hurt and sort out somewhere to stay. You must look out for your own wellbeing at all times.

BirthdayRainbow's kind offer and comment that women must stick together reminded me that there is a facebook group for single mothers. You might be able to make contacts or get temporary shared accommodation or other help through that.