Partner won’t marry me

She’s not expecting to stay on. But she needs time to move out.

Even landlords have to give tenants notice! You can’t just chuck someone out!

I’m glad the fucker is destabilised. He should have bought a property he can afford himself instead of expecting to be financed.

I think this needs repeating dozens of times until
his defenders get it - he wants OP to keep paying the entire mortgage even if he dies and even then he only wants the equity to go to his kids!

How is that at all reasonable?

Except for the fact that children are involved and their worlds are now shite.

I’m glad the fucker is destabilised. He should have bought a property he can afford himself instead of expecting to be financed.

So you won’t put your car in his name but you expect him to put his house in your name?
Can you not see the irony in that?
Surely you can see how he feels, purely because you feel the same with your car.

You have been stung in the past and so it’s important for you to keep some things separate.

He has also been stung in the past and wants to do the same and more importantly he wants to protect his kids.

I don’t understand your reasons for wanting to be married because I too, do not want to get married.

I don’t understand why you couldn’t either live separately, buy your own home and then eventually move in together and rent it out or just get a buy to let property.

But I understand and commend you for having your boundaries and sticking to them (even if they are a bit late).

Your opinion hasn’t changed and neither has his.
Neither of you are in the wrong, you are just incompatible.

I would advise that if you meet someone new in the future and then move them into your home that is in your name, you take time to consider whether you want to put their name on the mortgage or get married.

I know lots of posters would be saying you should put him on your mortgage and get married but you have kids and it’s important that you protect yourself and your future assets.

If you marry a new man and then divorce, he can take half of your property which could leave you and your kids in a very bad position.

Marriage is not that important in the grand scheme of things.

I wouldn’t care if my DP massively out earned me or did all of the housework.

If I don’t want to get married, then I won’t.

As a single mum, my stability and kids stability comes first.

It’s a shame that the relationship has to end over this, as most people don’t want to marry unless they plan to TTC but I agree that OP has done the right thing.

I agree. It's not in anyone's interest to remarry when they have assets and especially not when they have children.

I'm not saying she's the bad guy. I am saying that he's not the bad guy - as many on this thread are making him out to be. He presumably thought things were fine until she suddenly ended the relationship because of something he was always open and up front about - ie, not wanting to get married.

I agree they are both free to leave the relationship for whatever reason at any point in their lives. Expecting to stay on in the house after the ultimatum has blown everything up and not having planned for that is what is off here.

That her partner is hurt by an ultimatum that destablises everything he has invested in for 3 years is perfectly reasonable too. No one owes anyone a relationship, especially when he has had a long term view on marriage the OP well knows about.

I agree they are both free to leave the relationship for whatever reason at any point in their lives. Expecting to stay on in the house after the ultimatum has blown everything up and not having planned for that is what is off here.

That her partner is hurt by an ultimatum that destablises everything he has invested in for 3 years is perfectly reasonable too. No one owes anyone a relationship, especially when he has had a long term view on marriage the OP well knows about.

OP threatened to leave if he didn't comply with her wishes.

OP knew his stance on marriage

OP knew her contribution is keeping the housing situation afloat.

So in that position she knew it is almost certain that her partner couldn't keep a roof over his own childrens head if she left. OP knew her ultimatum would destabilise both of them and their children if he refused to comply.

OP knew exactly what she was doing in her ultimatum, it was designed to force him into marriage. Pure manipulation.

That is coercion and a threat

I agree.

This hasn’t come as a shock because you’ve always known this to be the case.

You also told him you want to separate so I’m not sure why you are acting surprised that he doesn’t want to do things with you like a couple and wants you out of his house.

I’m also not sure why you even mentioned contacting the police when you say he’s never been aggressive towards you.

I agree with PPs who say you’re not thinking straight right now.

You are living in his home and you’ve ended the relationship.

Instead of being annoyed at him or trying to play the victim, I would be apologising to him for breaking his heart and ending the relationship.
Tell him that you thought you would be ok with no marriage or mortgage but you’re not and you have no choice but to end it.

If you have a bit of compassion for what he’s going through right now, then he may have some compassion for you and allow you to live in his home for longer.

@Everythingwillbeokk
What did I say though?!?

You threatened his relationship with you, his finacial and housing stability for him, you and both sets of children.

It will calm down, you might yet talk. He told you he didn't want marriage, he stood his ground and so did you.

I'd be a bloody knob if someone threatened my financial and housing stability too.

Pretty sure when a man doesn’t contribute to a mortgage everyone says cocklogder!
She is paying rent to stay in his house. As the landlord he can then spend that rent on his mortgage. Pretty much the same happens in any private renting situation.

I wouldn’t expect this but I also wouldn’t expect my partner to be homeless.

The alternative is that OP would lose her DP and then have to find somewhere else to live in the midst of grief.

I think for the short term at least, then she should be allowed to continue living there but that would obviously mean paying the mortgage as she can’t live there for free.

If he dies in 20years time then it’s not a problem but if it’s in the next couple of days then it is going to cause issues as it would not be fair for OP to be tied to living there.

I dont know what happens if a parent dies before paying off the mortgage and if I was him I would get legal advice.

This is definitely a conversation they should have had before moving in together and I think OP should be thinking about getting her own security and not relying on someone else for it.
Even buying a little flat and renting it out would be better than leaving herself in such a vulnerable position.

He's been open and honest with you, he won't change his mind and you shouldn't change yours on what you want out of life either. This won't work, no point drawing it out with an ultimatum; at least he hasn't strung you along or kept you sweet with false promises and lies.

He's told you were you stand. You can't complain that he's strung you along or anything, he's been completely clear. I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum, I'd just get your ducks in a row and leave.

Neither of you are being unreasonable but he sounds like a selfish dick.

So I'd go it alone for that reason.

You both want different things; neither of you is being unreasonable.

It's brilliant that you are doing something about it though, and building your own security for later life!