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Original poster

Partner won’t marry me

964 replies

Everythingwillbeokk · 29/09/2024 13:06

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

OP posts:
Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 01/10/2024 08:53

StopGo · 01/10/2024 08:40

PC Plod has had his head turned and is thinking with his nob not his micro brain. Stay strong @Everythingwillbeokk

That came out of nowhere! It's perfectly possible, by the sound of it, that the OP's ex is a misogynistic, unintelligent, selfish man, who truly believes he is God's gift to the OP and her family.

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/10/2024 08:51

Tae1 · 01/10/2024 08:00

Oh OP, he really was just using you and tolerating your children.
It is hard to read.
Clear that house of everything that is yours.
I so hope that you get the house.

Better for women to be alone than to end up with total users like this any day.
Good luck.

This x1000.

That window-seat example shows what an utterly selfish, useless tool he is.

Really hoping you get that rental. You and your kids will have a much better life going forward.

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 01/10/2024 08:51

StopGo · 01/10/2024 08:40

PC Plod has had his head turned and is thinking with his nob not his micro brain. Stay strong @Everythingwillbeokk

Do you mean by someone else? Do you think? I hadn’t considered this as an angle

OP posts:
StopGo · 01/10/2024 08:40

PC Plod has had his head turned and is thinking with his nob not his micro brain. Stay strong @Everythingwillbeokk

PoppyFleur · 01/10/2024 08:22

He sounds more and more selfish with every post you write. I know you are heartbroken but I suspect what you are grieving is the idea of him and the future you wanted. I don’t think he is generous enough in spirit to be a meaningful true partner to you.

Onwards and upwards. You deserve to be happy, financially stable and nobody’s maid.

I wish you the best of luck with the house and hope in time you can buy the secure home you and your children deserve.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/10/2024 08:17

What a wanker. Good luck for today 🤞

Tae1 · 01/10/2024 08:00

Oh OP, he really was just using you and tolerating your children.
It is hard to read.
Clear that house of everything that is yours.
I so hope that you get the house.

Better for women to be alone than to end up with total users like this any day.
Good luck.

hellokittychan · 01/10/2024 07:55

He sounds like a real catch.

ChaoticCrumble · 01/10/2024 07:51

Do whatever it takes to view the house - they can go quickly in this market and this one sounds like it could be fab for you. Good luck!

BananaGrapeMelon · 01/10/2024 07:47

Just keep remembering things about his selfishness OP, to help you through.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 01/10/2024 07:44

Really hope this is the right house for you and that you can move there as soon as possible with as little hassle as possible. Good luck.

Cosyblankets · 01/10/2024 07:41

Good luck with the house

Jewelanemone · 01/10/2024 07:21

Morning! Have just read your whole thread and wanted to say good luck for the house today - I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you 🤞 xx

martinisforeveryone · 01/10/2024 07:10

Morning. In a nutshell, what I take from this thread is that regardless of property, who pays for what, or marriage, this man doesn’t and won’t ever think of you as his life partner.

You and your children are his lodgers without any rights, but you bring financial, domestic and romantic benefits that he could tire of at any time and kick you out.

Obviously this stings and you’ll get upset, of course you will, but you sound strong and intelligent and funny and everything will turn out for the best. Thank goodness you’ve had the wake-up call and can sort yourself out.

Really hope this house works out. If not something else will. Keep posting for support.

Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 01/10/2024 06:49

An absolutely grand example of his selfishness is on holiday last month, he absolutely flatly refused to let me sit on the window seat on the plane. I know it sounds childish, but it’s always either one of the kids or him sat at it, I just wanted to sit there for once and not be squeezed between people and no clear armrest

Then it ended up being an unbelievably clear view most of the flight - I love seeing things like that. I was mega uncomfortable reaching over him to look out of the window for the entire flight duration. There was no offer of swapping seats to let me look for a bit, nope.

Again it happened on the way back - so I put my headphones in and watched downloads on my phone instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 01/10/2024 06:40

On an even further note - everything crossed for this property - the rental cost of it would mean I can still reasonably continue to save for a deposit, if I’m careful quite possibly to the tune of around £800-£1k a month. God I bloody need this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Everythingwillbeokk · 01/10/2024 06:35

Good morning all - I’m think I’m feeling a little bit better today. I think finding a potential property has given me a little bit of focus. I’ve not woken up crying.

In terms of him expecting me to pay the mortgage on his death - he has said (but never proven I will add), that his Will states I have a lifetime interest in the property, and that I would be paying the mortgage to continue to live there - he said ‘you would be paying rent anyway’ - one I have always been clear on (as much as his view on marriage) is that I need to be an owner or joint owner of a property and actually the idiot has very clearly failed to realise he would have been in a far better financial position, with a better home for his children had he done that with me

So yes, his life insurance, pension payment etc is always going to his kids - not with the agreement that they will need to pay off the mortgage.

One thing I considered - and I’m just being honest here - but how much I would feel nothing but pure anger for him and utter resent for his children if all this happened, that he died and they get everything. And they don’t deserve that either as it’s him who has caused this. So yet another reason for me to leave, I don’t ever want to feel that way.

His excuse has always been that I will inherit 50% of my mums estate - I’ve always explained to him that you can never ever guarantee your parents estate. I mean for all we know mum could require care for a prolonged period of time, she could also decide to leave her entire estate to a cats home. I have no guarantee to her estate, but you should always have security in your old age in the home you live in, this is the difference

OP posts:
Flickeringgreenflame · 01/10/2024 05:37

I'm sure his heart is broken that the OP is not prepared to pay the mortgage on his death, be allowed to live in the house for a brief period, and then hand over the house to his children. Who wouldn't be heart broken that she wouldn't go along with this - I mean she's either paying the mortgage or she's biffed out of the house with nothing? She and her children inherit nothing and are left homeless. That part doesn't seem to bother him at all.

He's not so heartbroken that he's prepared to marry her either.

I'd have the same level of compassion for his current plight that he would have for her being left homeless and penniless. If he wants to go it alone, she is merely letting him get on with it. OP did not force him to buy a house in his own name which he is unlikely to be able to afford. OP did not force him to neglect to save some money for a rainy day and she was in fact contributing to the household and enabling him to pay the mortgage.

Even if he came crawling back, I'd be utterly done with him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2024 05:19

Good luck with the house. Go in hard and fast. The market is really competitive atm because a lot of landlords have pulled out of the rental sector.

Firenzeflower · 01/10/2024 04:57

OP you're amazing. I hope the house works out. I'm just so sorry you're going through this.
He's a pathetic man.

VeganPizza · 01/10/2024 04:35

If you do plan on staying then I strongly suggest you get a solicitor to draw up an agreement of cohabitation agreeing that should you separate the value of your equity is owed back to you. Then his house is still available to his children on his solo mortgage but you have some return on your investment in the property also.
this is precedent in Scotland and generally cohabitation agreement are upheld in court, less so in England and wales but still possible.

scaredofbears · 01/10/2024 03:59

Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2024 00:08

Not entering into a relationship when you already know you're not compatible is a great way to avoid a breakdown, as well.

Show quote history

Oh will you shut up? No one wants you on this thread. Got and get some therapy for being such an insufferable miss perfect

scaredofbears · 01/10/2024 03:26

Prettyredflowers · 29/09/2024 13:10

You both want different things; neither of you is being unreasonable.

It's brilliant that you are doing something about it though, and building your own security for later life!

He wants her to pay his mortgage so his children have something to inherit, while she'll be homeless and her children have nothing to inherit. How is that 'not unreasonable'?

WiddlinDiddlin · 01/10/2024 03:26

Everything crossed for you @Everythingwillbeokk that you get this rental property!

MarkingBad · 01/10/2024 03:24

@Tellysavelas

I just wanted to add to the above post that in 2 of my posts that have not been quoted, I have sent the hope that the OP and her XP can talk calmly and that he will allow the OP time to find a place.

I clicked post button too quickly.