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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to buy Christmas gifts

65 replies

ChristmaschaosAgain · 29/09/2024 12:18

It's just that really. It is an expensive time, I have my young dcs to buy for, food, dh's birthday (a big one). I'm just sick of the stress of trailing through busy shops and buying for the sake of it.
I have a sibling I want to tell that I'd prefer to exchange cards only. How do I go about this? Even token gifts get out of hand, can be over spent on, and become expensive, chocolate and wine etc. It all seems a bit pointless. My sibling is fussy, with expensive taste, and wouldn't be enthralled with what I'd get. Likewise, I don't like the last minute expensive things bought back. They're never my taste and are donated. It seems that we can just both avoid wasting money.

How do I go about telling my sibling I don't want to do gifts? I prefer cards only, even on my birthday, this was not listened to and an elaborate gift was given. This had to be donated, expensive perfume and chocolates that weren't my taste. My sibling doesn't have dcs, and if buys for mine I feel I have to buy back, and then it gets into this situation. It is the way I am, I can receive a gift and not give one in return. I don't want to hear its okay, I want to do it still. I want to keep is simple this year.

I don't like the fuss.

OP posts:
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PassingStranger · 23/10/2025 20:20

Just tell them Op, they will probably be relieved that this farce is over.

jessa15 · 23/10/2025 00:53

How sad, tight and miserable.

jessa15 · 23/10/2025 00:50

Your brother is a tight git.

jessa15 · 23/10/2025 00:49

Your brother is a tight git.

jessa15 · 23/10/2025 00:47

It's not pointless at all It's fun.

jessa15 · 23/10/2025 00:45

Ask if they would like gift cards rather than giving nothing.

jessa15 · 23/10/2025 00:43

Miserable and tight.

jessa15 · 23/10/2025 00:42

Miserable and tight

AnneButNotHathaway · 01/10/2024 12:30

YANBU but tell them NOW you don't want to do gifts and maybe even remind them when December and gift talks come, because people often tend to forget things and try and blame you for that. Sending a card or a smartshow 3d christmas video is more than enough, just make sure they know in advance this is what you want to do this year.

ChristmaschaosAgain · 30/09/2024 12:52

flapjackfairy · 29/09/2024 18:48

reading your replies it is obvious that this is not really anything to do with the Christmas present issue and everything to do with your relationship with your sister. I understand that as I have a difficult relationship with my sister as well and it always feels hypocritical to send presents when I haven't heard from her all year. She sends mushy cards etc which I just don't get . it is all so false.
Thankfully this year she has text me to suggest we forget the whole thing which suits me just fine and I feel a sense of relief now so hopefully you will too now you have bitten the bullet as it were.

Thank you, it is good to hear from somebody who is in a similar situation. Yes, that's it, it feels false, OTT and going from 0 to 100. It doesn't help when people are difficult to buy for/fussy. I said no need to buy for us or the kids as they get too much as it is, just cards. I have had a reply to my message, and it went down well. I'm honestly so relieved, and now feeling like when I am out over Christmas, I'm not thinking constantly what to get <sigh>.
Thank you to everybody for all of your helpful and understanding replies- because I feel like a bah humbug scrooge this year! I have realised it isn't just about the money, but more the stress and getting pointless things nobody wants or needs, for the sake of getting something.

As I'm getting older a nice simple Christmas is more and more appealing. With young dcs we are still doing the whole Santa thing at the moment, which is lovely though.

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ChristmaschaosAgain · 30/09/2024 12:45

Mill3nnial · 29/09/2024 20:21

I feel like this too in some ways. I enjoy buying gifts but what I don't enjoy is feeling obligated or, as you say, buying token gifts that end up being expensive once you've bought for ten people and not appreciated. I don't like receiving tat or things I don't want or need either.

Yes, completely. I'm rubbish at buying token gifts. It'll end up a nice box of chocolates/biscuits, wine, and it adds up to the point it is an actual gift in itself. Then you get back something you can't use. I'd much rather use the money for something else that will be used.

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Mill3nnial · 29/09/2024 20:21

I feel like this too in some ways. I enjoy buying gifts but what I don't enjoy is feeling obligated or, as you say, buying token gifts that end up being expensive once you've bought for ten people and not appreciated. I don't like receiving tat or things I don't want or need either.

easylikeasundaymorn · 29/09/2024 19:32

ChristmaschaosAgain · 29/09/2024 14:18

No, I think (hope) I mentioned further up? that I am the type of person to always buy back, even if people buy just for the dcs. This is why I need my sibling to not do it. I always feel under even more pressure to buy something more expensive too when they're bought for as well.

Yes they have a lot of expendable cash, very few bills etc. We have mortgage, lots of bills, and very different priorities.

Oh that's a really good idea for the kids if it isn't listened to. Thank you.

Edited

but if you keep saying 'I don't want to buy presents for adults' but then keep buying back, it's sending mixed messages and she's not going to listen to you!
She can decide whether or not to spend her money, but only you can decide how to spend yours.

flapjackfairy · 29/09/2024 18:48

ChristmaschaosAgain · 29/09/2024 14:29

Possibly, don't believe my sibling is excluded, as we were no contact for a few years where not so much as a card was sent to dcs or anything. A different year (before dcs) I turned up with gifts, nothing was given back, yet other relatives were bought for. My siblings behaviour changes when it suits (depending on specific set of circumstances) and I feel mine can too. It is just bloody awkward! 😂 I feel like being showered with gifts is not something I want to maintain. I also won't not buy for my dm. Sibling has a partner, friends and parents to buy things.

I don't want to fall out over it, but can't go against how I am feeling.

Edited

reading your replies it is obvious that this is not really anything to do with the Christmas present issue and everything to do with your relationship with your sister. I understand that as I have a difficult relationship with my sister as well and it always feels hypocritical to send presents when I haven't heard from her all year. She sends mushy cards etc which I just don't get . it is all so false.
Thankfully this year she has text me to suggest we forget the whole thing which suits me just fine and I feel a sense of relief now so hopefully you will too now you have bitten the bullet as it were.

Disturbia81 · 29/09/2024 15:55

It's these things that make Christmas so much less stressful. I don't buy for anyone other than kids and mum now.
I remember as a kid my mum buying for all extended family, friends, neighbours, teachers, milkman etc.. absolutely ridiculous.

Maria1979 · 29/09/2024 15:43

I would tell her right now that you have decided to stop giving Christmas gifts to adults because financially strained and please don't get anything for me or DC. If she absolutely wants to gift tell her to give to a local food bank or charity. Then don't give anything to DH infront of her and make sure your parents gifts are from your DC. Problem solved.

Cherrysoup · 29/09/2024 15:36

ChristmaschaosAgain · 29/09/2024 14:01

Because I wouldn't know what I would look for online. You know when you go to a tk maxx type store, and you find something that you wouldn't have ordinarily thought of.
Right ladies I've done it, and sent a text 😫

Edited

Good for you! How did you phrase it?

My Dh told his siblings some years back, we were getting the most ridiculous gifts from one brother, pint sized wine glasses, a 3 foot high ceramic planter full of soil and bulbs that we had to somehow get in the car and transport 3 hours back home, it was stuff he’d want, basically, or that tickled him. We’ve gone to cards only, wish even that would stop, he always sends really crass, rude ones, just pointless, really. Call me crazy, but when I send someone a card, I try to send their taste, not mine.

LauritaEvita · 29/09/2024 15:30

I have swapped to paying for things one of my best friends.So for birthdays, I’ll get theatre tkts (or similar) for a play of their choosing and they do the same for mine. For Christmas, we book a nice restaurant or a spa day and go halves. So we’re essentially paying for ourselves but we say that’s our Christmas gift to each other! Could you suggest something like that?

ChristmaschaosAgain · 29/09/2024 14:29

Jazzjazzyjulez · 29/09/2024 14:25

I think it has to be no presents for anyone (outside of your partner or kids) or you buy for your parents and sister.

It is quite rude not to buy her if she buys for your kids and you also buy for your parents.

Her being awkward is not really a great excuse!

Possibly, don't believe my sibling is excluded, as we were no contact for a few years where not so much as a card was sent to dcs or anything. A different year (before dcs) I turned up with gifts, nothing was given back, yet other relatives were bought for. My siblings behaviour changes when it suits (depending on specific set of circumstances) and I feel mine can too. It is just bloody awkward! 😂 I feel like being showered with gifts is not something I want to maintain. I also won't not buy for my dm. Sibling has a partner, friends and parents to buy things.

I don't want to fall out over it, but can't go against how I am feeling.

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caringcarer · 29/09/2024 14:26

Just be honest and tell your siblings you can't afford to buy gifts for them at Xmas time as it's very expensive buying gifts for your DC. Have a meal together and exchange Xmas cards.

Jazzjazzyjulez · 29/09/2024 14:25

I think it has to be no presents for anyone (outside of your partner or kids) or you buy for your parents and sister.

It is quite rude not to buy her if she buys for your kids and you also buy for your parents.

Her being awkward is not really a great excuse!

ChristmaschaosAgain · 29/09/2024 14:18

easylikeasundaymorn · 29/09/2024 14:15

Don't suggest anything, just tell her 'christmas is too expensive so DH and I have decided to only buy for kids.' That way it's not just her feeling excluded, if you've applied the same rule to your parents and his family. Then if she still buys you an expensive gift say 'thanks but I did tell you we weren't doing gifts.'

It will only take one year to make clear that you mean what you say and won't be reciprocating. Then it's up to her. Some people have spare money and really enjoy buying presents, so if she continues to buy for you without getting anything back just accept it gratefully. Otherwise she'll get the message and stop.

However as a pp said you need to make it very clear that this also applies to your kids - that you have no expectation from her to buy them anything. Otherwise it is a bit cheeky if you expect her to keep buying for your family but get absolutely nothing in return. She may very well do so anyway - as the childless aunt I like buying for my nephews/nieces but cba to buy for adults -if so it would be nice to get her a little something "from them" as an acknowledgement - a nice picture drawn by them saying thank you or something they pick themselves rather than a 'proper' gift and maybe given after christmas to not confuse things!

No, I think (hope) I mentioned further up? that I am the type of person to always buy back, even if people buy just for the dcs. This is why I need my sibling to not do it. I always feel under even more pressure to buy something more expensive too when they're bought for as well.

Yes they have a lot of expendable cash, very few bills etc. We have mortgage, lots of bills, and very different priorities.

Oh that's a really good idea for the kids if it isn't listened to. Thank you.

OP posts:
easylikeasundaymorn · 29/09/2024 14:15

Don't suggest anything, just tell her 'christmas is too expensive so DH and I have decided to only buy for kids.' That way it's not just her feeling excluded, if you've applied the same rule to your parents and his family. Then if she still buys you an expensive gift say 'thanks but I did tell you we weren't doing gifts.'

It will only take one year to make clear that you mean what you say and won't be reciprocating. Then it's up to her. Some people have spare money and really enjoy buying presents, so if she continues to buy for you without getting anything back just accept it gratefully. Otherwise she'll get the message and stop.

However as a pp said you need to make it very clear that this also applies to your kids - that you have no expectation from her to buy them anything. Otherwise it is a bit cheeky if you expect her to keep buying for your family but get absolutely nothing in return. She may very well do so anyway - as the childless aunt I like buying for my nephews/nieces but cba to buy for adults -if so it would be nice to get her a little something "from them" as an acknowledgement - a nice picture drawn by them saying thank you or something they pick themselves rather than a 'proper' gift and maybe given after christmas to not confuse things!

ChristmaschaosAgain · 29/09/2024 14:05

flapjackfairy · 29/09/2024 13:43

you sound like you don't like her much anyway so if she is offended what difference will it make ?
no judgement btw as she sounds hard work !

Possibly something there with that yes. We were no contact for a few years at one point, our relationship has been a bit tumultuous at times.

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ChristmaschaosAgain · 29/09/2024 14:01

sundayagainagain · 29/09/2024 13:56

YANBU but I don’t get why you are trawling the shops when you could just order something online?

Because I wouldn't know what I would look for online. You know when you go to a tk maxx type store, and you find something that you wouldn't have ordinarily thought of.
Right ladies I've done it, and sent a text 😫

OP posts: