Trying not to blow up at my mother

Id organise a party then. Doesn’t have to be a big thing but if everyone is coming over for drinks and cake while you’re home then it spikes horrible sister’s guns, and you get to see your aunts!

you could link it in with the trip - fly home Thursday, have surprise drinks and cake Friday night, then go somewhere for the trip.

Genuine question - say you were turning 60 and your DD threw you a party with all your siblings, nieces nephews etc and you asked where your DS was and she said she didn't invite him - would you be fine with that?

Because these are the only photos with the whole family (including my gran who is now very ill) in them. My cousins, my cousins' children, the whole lot. Except us.

Why I'm earth would there be any danger of you 'blowing up' at your mother? From what you've said the woman is minding her own business while her daughters variously organise things for her, scheme and compete about who's thing will be best and who to exclude. In all honesty she isn't the one who's coming across as emotionally immature in your post. You have agreed with her to do a trip so do your trip. If someone else decides to do a party there's nothing you can do about it. If they decide not to ask you, then it's them you should speak to (if you must blow up!) I can quite understand why your mother would go along with it for a quiet life.... You're adults and the days when she should get between your squabbles should really be behind her.

I think this is a fair comment. The way I feel about it, my mother knows what my sister does is awful but she does nothing about it, which makes me feels she doesn't give a shit about me and my other sister. If one of my children organised a birthday party without inviting the other I'd be so pissed at them - in fact they wouldn't do it because they'd know how much it would bother me. But my mother just ignores it. If I blew up at her it wouldn't really be about the party, it'd be about never addressing anything. I know it'd do no good, which is why I'm trying to avoid it.

Bring this out into the open then. Say to your aunts and other relatives 'if Horrible Sister invites you to a party for mum this time, could you pass on the details? Last time she didn't tell us and when we found out it was too late to arrange childcare to come'. Make what's going on clear to others, rather than worrying that they'll think the worst of you because they don't know.

Because these are the only photos with the whole family (including my gran who is now very ill) in them. My cousins, my cousins' children, the whole lot. Except us.

My sister is objectively horrible. She has abused multiple partners, she bullied my other sister relentlessly even though she was nearly ten years older than her (think 12 year old taunting and goading a 3 year old into hysterics, daily, while my parents pretend nothing is happening) and she treats my mother like shit.

I am being immature about this, I agree, because this is my mom and I only have one. Wanting to celebrate with her isn't too much to expect. I have accepted she doesn't care about me to a certain extent but it's hard to keep going with that indefinitely. Sometimes I just feel really upset about it.

Part of the reason she organised it was so she could exclude me and my sister. She still mentions it now and again, she's very happy with herself.

My sister is objectively horrible. She has abused multiple partners, she bullied my other sister relentlessly even though she was nearly ten years older than her (think 12 year old taunting and goading a 3 year old into hysterics, daily, while my parents pretend nothing is happening) and she treats my mother like shit.

I am being immature about this, I agree, because this is my mom and I only have one. Wanting to celebrate with her isn't too much to expect. I have accepted she doesn't care about me to a certain extent but it's hard to keep going with that indefinitely. Sometimes I just feel really upset about it.

Why I'm earth would there be any danger of you 'blowing up' at your mother? From what you've said the woman is minding her own business while her daughters variously organise things for her, scheme and compete about who's thing will be best and who to exclude. In all honesty she isn't the one who's coming across as emotionally immature in your post. You have agreed with her to do a trip so do your trip. If someone else decides to do a party there's nothing you can do about it. If they decide not to ask you, then it's them you should speak to (if you must blow up!) I can quite understand why your mother would go along with it for a quiet life.... You're adults and the days when she should get between your squabbles should really be behind her.

This is largely a rant, but advice is very welcome.

My mother is very emotionally immature and in my 20s/early 30s I didn't speak to her much. More recently (I'm in my 40s) I decided to accept her as she is, she's mellowed out a lot and we've manage to build a pretty good relationship. We don't live in the same country but we chat fairly often and see each other a few times a year.

She has a big birthday coming up next year, so I've been talking to my sister (who lives in the same country as I) about organising something for that. I've spoken to my mother and asked her if she'd like a party in her town, or if she'd like everyone in the immediate family to go away on a trip. Response was 'oh I don't want a party,' and she was keen a trip, so, trip it is.

The problem is that at a previous significant birthday we were told no parties, then my other sister (who is a horrible being) organised a party without telling me and my (not horrible) sister. There is a 'lovely' photo from that party of all the extended family with me and my sister and our husbands/children excluded. As you can imagine, neither of us was happy about this. My mother said nothing about it because she ignores my horrible sister's behaviour due to aforementioned emotional immaturity.

I can see my horrible sister doing the same thing again - there has already been talk of 'something small' being organised. Or if she doesn't do it, I can see one of my mother's sisters (who are genuinely nice people) organising something low-key and last-minute which means my sister and I won't be invited.

So I have a few options - lovely sister and I organise a party, even though my mother says she doesn't want one, to short-circuit a situation where my horrible sister organises something without us.

Let go of the whole party thing and just do the trip and accept that there will be another extended family photo without me and my lovely sister and our families.

Try to talk to my mother about this. This is the worst option as she is incapable of discussing anything.

I know there's probably no good way out of this. It's surprising me how much it's upsetting me - I think years of accepting low-level crappy behaviour are coming back to haunt me. Thankfully my (not horrible) sister is an angel - without her I'd probably lose my shit entirely.