Teenage boys

@GoldLameDarling good luck!

Trying this now. It's exhausting.

Sorry didn't notice this is an older thread. Hopefully still useful though. x

The book 'Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town' is good. A little bit old fashioned now but still useful.

They are challenging at this age - suddenly everything you say and do is unfair and seems designed to annoy them. Evolution has made it so when they are physically mature enough to leave home and have kids, they actually want to go. They start rejecting their parents' authority and listening to their friends more for guidance. Unfortunately they don't leave home at 14 and we have to deal with the evolutionary hangover.

It's a slog so pick your battles. Fighting over little things isn't worth the effort, just relinquish control a bit and let some things slide. Breakfast for example.

And let them take responsibility for getting up and out. If they don't leave on time they face the consequences of being late for school. (As long as school has effective sanctions).

One thing I remember reading that was useful is that they can test boundaries but often don't completely.ignore them. If they do something after a few times of asking or with protesting, or come home 10 minutes late they are still respecting your authority - just in their own teenage way. It's really tiring but keep on trying for the important things.

Mood swings and obstinence - due to puberty

is it?

i was a “difficult” teen. Everything was put down to hormones, mood swings, puberty. I’d grow out of it.

it meant no one actually listened to me or tried to work out if there was a reason for my behaviour. I was actually suffering from PTSD after a very traumatic event- being a teen I couldn’t articulate and it came out as challenging behaviour.

don’t dismiss teens as difficult and pin everything on hormones. Show some empathy and don’t be oppositional- give them space to talk. It could be bullying, struggling with sexuality or school, even something like a friends confidence that is too much for them to handle

The fact you describe them needing new clothes or eating a lot as part of the problem does suggest the issue is with you and your mindset.

All sounds hard work, which is entirely normal. Teens are in many ways like giant toddlers; they need constant feeding to have even a chance of regulating themselves, are totally egocentric and are all will and no rationality when thwarted.

Food is easiest to sort. If you make a load of toasties or breakfast burritos with things like eggs, beans and cheese you can freeze them and reheat for a takeaway breakfast to eat on the way or at break. Or making ham and cheese toasties in the morning is quick.

For the rest, the best advice I have had is to listen to the emotion not the words when they are going off on one. And try and respond to that.

I don't mean give in, more "Sounds like you're really angry and annoyed with me..." And once they're a bit calmer, ask them to argue their case. Have a good think to see if they have a point if so, shift your boundary. If not keep it, acknowledging that they might still be annoyed but your reasons still hold firm. They will be adults very soon and they need to practice mature ways to disagree/negotiate. But as their parents, we need to learn new ways too - which is hard!!

I dont think that's right. If a child truants from school, the parents are contacted and expected to deal with it. That is the consequence. It might involve education welfare officers, even fines and court cases against the parent. Not trying to scare op but the do very much expect you to get your child to school, which is why she is presumably doing more that others might.

Sell old stuff on vinted
Buy on there too

Mine did the morning thing. I confiscated all devices and locked them in a cupboard. They got them back if they got to school on time. I sat back no morning reminders except for 20mins until we have to leave etc.
2 days no devices and now they get themselves up and out

Really a 15 year old should be able to lock up a house and make sure the windows are shut. So should the 12 year old. If the 15 year old is going to bunk off school he will do it anyway. Again it will be him dealing with the consequences from school. The way you have written sounds like you are still trying to parent them as if they were 7 and 10 rather than an almost teen and a mid teen. You talk about laying out uniform handing them brunch bars. They can sort their own uniform and if they want a brunch bar presumably they know where they are kept in the house so can just go get one. I don't know anyone who would still have this much involvement in stuff like that.

This is mostly very normal. The moods, as you say, are part of puberty. I have one a similar age and one older, and can confirm that it passes!
Teenage boys are literally starving half the time. Try to buy cheap healthy snacks that they can top up on. My son can eat half a packet of cheese and crackers at once, or he will start making eggs on toast not long after dinner. He'll often have 3 bowls of cereal in a day, although that's not particularly healthy but I just let him get on with it. He doesn't eat breakfast very often as he's not into eating early.
I couldn't work out how to ban devices from my wi-fi so could only turn it off altogether. It didn't really work because he has loads of data on his phone and could hot spot himself! I did threaten to cancel the contract, which was rolling, but mostly gave up on the technology aspect as he would say he needed to be on his devices for school (which was true but impossible to monitor). They didn't go to bed at a reasonable hour because the teenage body clock doesn't allow for it and they are genuinely not in line with everyone else. Mine both lacked sleep in the week and made up for it at weekends.
All this is a phase. It will pass and then they will leave home and you'll probably miss it!

I agree with this.

Have boys of the same age. I do have DH at home and he pulls his weight, so I’m not comparing our situations as I completely accept mine is significantly less challenging. However it does sound as though you are doing a lot of cajoling and supporting. We don’t take away tech at night and other than a quick check to make sure they’re both awake in the morning and have a clean uniform in the house, neither of us get involved in their breakfast, homework, remembering their PE kit etc. We drop them at the nearest bus stops (live rurally with no pavements) but if they missed the bus more than once in a blue moon they would have to work it out for themselves.

15 is a hard age as they’re ‘inbetweeners ’ but I firmly believe that if they want to be treated like adults they have to make an effort to behave like one.

Edited to say that my youngest is a bit older than yours, and on reflection I think I did still oversee tech use at that age.

A lot of what you have listed is normal

Mood swings - completely normal. Its hormones, growing, confusion etc. They can't help it. How you react to it is the I portent thing here.

Eating - teen boys need more food. They can't help and aren't trying yo test you boundaries. They just need the fuel. What is their diet that you provide like at the moment? People.nay be able to give ideas.

Sleep - teens need more sleep so again they aren't doing anything wrong. If tbey want to stay in bed till lunchtime on weekends why does it matter? If they sleep in and don't get ip in time for the start of school they will have consequences from school.

Man sized clothing - not sure why this is part of the list really. It is to be expected.

Sibling rivalry- again normal, of course they both want you to give them attention
With the money side of things a bit trickier as tbe older one may have more of a social life but at their ages probably not a great deal of difference. How.much money do they get?

Bad behaviour - what are you including in bad behaviour. Is it just things that irritate you or genuinely bad? If you are constantly dishing out consequences for everything it will dilute the impact. Save it for really bad stuff but to be honest talking listening and trying to understand will have a much better impact.

Not getting up on time / morning routine - at their age I would just leave them to it. You say they have a walking commute so no buses, trains etc to catch. I would get up and get on with my day, use the bathroom first making sure there was plenty of time after me for them both to get ready. I would them one shout to get up and then just get on with my own morning. They are both old enough to get up and out the door themselves. They don't need you to lay out uniform etc. If they don't make it to school on time they will have to deal with the consequences of that.

Switching off tech at a set time. This can be tricky, if they are in the middle of an online game with friends and the Xbox or whatever suddenly switches off or you are there telling them its going off now I can see the frustration as they make lose progress etc. What time are you asking them to stop, is it much earlier than their friends, are they getting a chance to finish what tbey are doing?

Breakfast - neither of my 2 boys ate breakfast from about 10 years old, they just didn't want it. I really wouldn't stress about this. If they are hungry they are hungry they will have something but I really wouldn't be making a big deal.out of it. Just make sure there is food available.

I think you need to separate out what is actually bad / unacceptable behaviour and what is just normal. Your OP just comes across as having lumped it all into one big frustration for you. If this is the case then that will be coming over in your interactions with them and life will feel like a permanent battle.

Taking notes thanks op

as you have a walking commute I'd tell them what time you're leaving and then just go and leave them to it

i had to do this in the end and it only took twice of me leaving without them 😂

Watching with interest

congratulations - you have teenagers.

many of the things you describe is absolutely normal.

food - growing bodies and minds need a lot of calories. eggs and toastie maker are your friends to fill them up.

sleep - don't insist they get up early at weekends because that's 'your routine'. they need the sleep and their body clock has changed.

devices - we have set up a charging station outside thd bedrooms. after 10pm phones/laptops go there.

boundaries - unless it turns to violence or bullying it's normal and bothing to worry about. sit together with them and talk to them.

Following along as also a lone parent to a boy though not at teenage stage yet! Just a thought on the breakfast - egg muffins are easy made in a batch, taste great cold and keep for 5 days? Might be a good option to have a batch of them in the fridge so the boys can grab a couple and bring them with them? Could you get them both into a hobby? Ideally one that happens at the same time in the same place so you can get a bit of down time and give them some more screen free time? I know these things can be expensive though...

Are they old enough to work? Even cash in hand with a car wash or local shop type of thing? I would be pushing that as soon as they're old enough because they can use some of that to take the pressure off you for the more expensive things they want and learn responsibility.

I would be telling them that certain things you're going to be stepping back on, such as getting themselves up and out in the morning because they are old enough and as others have said their consequences will be in school if they're late. At the weekends and during holidays I'd be trying to relax a little on your routine, let them sleep in a little longer provided it's not leading to them being up all night. I'd also be expecting them to help and do certain jobs around the house that you think they're capable of... at teenage years they could cook simple meals and help with most chores again taking pressure off you and learning accountability.

Do you have family they like that they could stay with sometimes? Realistically I think it sounds like you're really on the ball already and doing really well so my suspicion is that it's the gradual wearing down of having to deal with it all on your own all of the time that's making you feel depleted? Any way you can carve out some time for yourself? Their father might not be fit to parent them but do they have a grandfather or uncle or even youth worker who they respect and have a good relationship with who could encourage them a bit?

I'm a lone parent of 2 too, not quite at the ages of yours but getting there.

Food - can you join a social supermarket type scheme where you can get bags of food on their best before date for a very reduced price?
Lateness to school - honestly at their ages (especially the older one) I'd leave them to it as there are consequences in school for being late.
Tech - lashing out is absolutely not ok from teenage boys, I'd maybe have a serious talk about how women can find male aggression extremely unsettling and they need to find another way to express their frustration.
There is a free online course called 'the teenage years' which I've done. Some nice ideas in there about strengthening relationships (which ultimately is the only way you'll get your boys on side).

Good luck, I hope you find strategies that work. It's so so difficult doing this alone. Ask for support from anywhere and everywhere!