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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable with this man?

133 replies

PuzzleMix · 28/09/2024 22:11

I have a large, rare breed of dog which often gets other dog owners chatting to me and l have made friends with some of these people.

One guy l say hi to (him and his dog) - let's call him Tom. He's a pretty private person but he's opened up a couple of times about being a carer for his sick sister, struggling with his mental health and that his partner has recently split up with him. I have suffered with my mental health too as well as having several family members who struggle so l said if he ever fancied a chat we could go for a dog walk and a coffee.

He's met my DH when we are both with the dog, I'm happily married (as he knows) and meant this as a completely platonic thing.

So we met last week. I met him with my dog outside his house and we started setting off when Tom said he wanted to quickly show me his house and meet his sister. In my head l was thinking 'no' but as l was put on the spot l couldn't think how to politely decline, so l went in. My dog is very large so l didn’t feel scared but l did a feel a little uncomfortable. Anyway, l said hi to his sister and then Tom showed me he had coffee in the house and asked if l wanted to have one there in the kitchen. I said no because l needed to walk the dog and l then had to take a work call, so l didnt have time (which was all true but l also felt a bit uncomfortable and didn't want to sit in his house when the plan was a dog walk.) It all felt way too familiar and intimate when l really don't know Tom well at all. He said "next time" and l ignored this.

We left and walked the dogs. Stopped for a coffee and had a chat which was ok, he seems like a nice guy. There were a few things Tom said which again l felt a bit weird about - saying he'd have to cook for me one day and l can pay for the coffees next time, and a few times l felt he was looking at me a bit too long but maybe l was imagining it. He also said it was so nice talking to me and he felt a lot better about things, including his partner splitting up with him. Again this could be completely innocent. I made sure to mention my DH as much as possible and my DH knows all about me meeting him.

I told Tom about an activity l was doing the next day, he wished me good luck with it and then we both went our separate ways.

The next day he messaged me at 7am saying good luck with my activity again. I simply said thanks, and got on with my day.

The following day l woke and saw Tom had texted me at 1am(!) asking how the activity had gone. This made me feel weird...why is he thinking about me at that time of the day?! And it wasn't a particularly interesting thing l was doing - he could have just asked me next time we bumped into eachother.

I waited until that afternoon to reply and just said 'fine thanks'.

That was a few days ago but every time I've checked my messages, l have been worried what if there's another one from him. I live in a small place so will bump into Tom at any time and l now feel worried about this whenever l take the dog out. I'm starting to wish l had never suggested going for a coffee and wondering if l am too friendly for my own good! I dont know if l have given him the wrong idea or am l reading far too much into this?!

OP posts:
HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 01/10/2024 08:37

I say lonely too.

Also and dont jump on me the rest of you Sometimes when autistic people make a friend they oversteer a bit as they can't read the boundaries and get a bit suffocating. This is not meant badly. It's just means they like you. My daughter is autistic. She doesn't do this but many of my friends with autistic children do it. It can be a bit scary for those on the receiving end.

Anyway whatever the reason please treat him with kindness but if you feel uncomfortable then step back a little and be more assertive. Doesn't mean you can't see him. But it's upto you to place boundaries.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 01/10/2024 08:22

Invest in some big headphones.. Next time tell him you have a podcast on but will catch up another time...

Naunet · 01/10/2024 08:19

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2024 07:50

But she was comfortable. After he offloaded, she then offered him chats and coffee.

We should not glibly offer a support system to people going in a difficult situation.

Show quote history

Oh please, he’s texting her at 1am, it’s completely inappropriate.

OP, don’t listen to all the emotional guilt tripping, yes maybe he’s lonely, or maybe he’s just a creep, they’re hardly rare. Either way he’s a grown man and has made you uncomfortable, you need to put yourself first.

Original poster
PuzzleMix · 01/10/2024 08:16

FasterMichelin · 29/09/2024 07:29

If you suggested a dog walk and a coffee, unless you specified a cafe, I think it's pretty normal he offered you in for a coffee. Perhaps he doesn't have a lot of disposable cash being a carer and hoped a coffee indoors would be fine.

The texting is a little odd.

I think this is a case for you to learn from. Don't reach out the hand of friendship and support if you don't actually want to offer it. You told him you were there to chat, he's now trying to reach out to you and you're finding it strange. Of course it's strange, you're two strangers meeting for zero reason.

I think you've set him up for a fall, to be honest.

I did specify a cafe and he isn't short of cash. He prefers a different type of coffee which isn't served in regular cafes - more of a coffee snob than a man trying to save money. But l didn't feel comfortable - it felt too intimate. I think even if he had been a woman l wouldn't have had coffee in the flat. Just feels a bit too familiar to me when l don't know someone well.

We are not strangers - have been saying hi with our dogs for about a year.

As for setting him up for a fall, l'm wondering why you say that? l have many dog walking friends who l go for coffee with occasionally, or sometimes l've done it once and then not again. I don't think offering to have a coffee with someone commits you to having a close friendship, or doing it on a regular basis.

The fact that l feel uncomfortable is the gut feeling that l need to listen to.

OP posts:
hellokittychan · 01/10/2024 08:09

Listen to your gut ❤️

Original poster
PuzzleMix · 01/10/2024 08:05

EngineEngineNumber9 · 29/09/2024 09:09

I feel for you, OP, it’s so difficult to judge someone’s intentions. On one hand, maybe because he’s so close with his sister and spends a lot of time with her, he is more comfortable around women than men and it is completely platonic. You’ve done absolutely nothing to give him the impression that you’re interested.

But at the same time you shouldn’t carry on spending time with him if it makes you uncomfortable for any reason. And if that pisses him off, he’s not a nice person anyway.

Thank you @EngineEngineNumber9 it is hard to judge and could be completely innocent/platonic. It's annoying as women we have to think like this.

I have lots of dog walking acquaintances/friends who l occasionally go for a coffee with and we all have eachothers numbers, but it doesn't mean we are close friends or anything. We only get in contact to arrange meeting up really, and l saw Tom as another friend like this, and that's the only reason l gave him my number.

The fact he was texting me in the early hours set off a few alarm bells - l feel he has overstepped the line - which means l now feel uncomfortable.

I'm going to distance myself and walk different times/routes or with my DH to give myself a bit of space.

OP posts:
EngineEngineNumber9 · 29/09/2024 09:09

I feel for you, OP, it’s so difficult to judge someone’s intentions. On one hand, maybe because he’s so close with his sister and spends a lot of time with her, he is more comfortable around women than men and it is completely platonic. You’ve done absolutely nothing to give him the impression that you’re interested.

But at the same time you shouldn’t carry on spending time with him if it makes you uncomfortable for any reason. And if that pisses him off, he’s not a nice person anyway.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 29/09/2024 09:02

I agree with the poster who said he sounds lonely and has latched on to your kindness. I also think he hoped you'd come in for coffee as it would save him the money.

I don't think you've done anything wrong but equally I don't think he has either. You offered to go for a walk and a coffee with him and he's just taken you up on it.

User364837 · 29/09/2024 09:02

I too think he fancies you. So would be best to take a step back and not be very available or responsive.

NowImNotDoingIt · 29/09/2024 08:58

He sounds lonely and desperate and coming across as such.

However, you don't owe anyone your time and attention, so I'd just keep my distance and have your husband accompany you as much as possible on dog walks for a while.

Even if platonically, he wants more than you're willing to give, and that's ok.

BettyBardMacDonald · 29/09/2024 08:22

FasterMichelin · 29/09/2024 07:29

If you suggested a dog walk and a coffee, unless you specified a cafe, I think it's pretty normal he offered you in for a coffee. Perhaps he doesn't have a lot of disposable cash being a carer and hoped a coffee indoors would be fine.

The texting is a little odd.

I think this is a case for you to learn from. Don't reach out the hand of friendship and support if you don't actually want to offer it. You told him you were there to chat, he's now trying to reach out to you and you're finding it strange. Of course it's strange, you're two strangers meeting for zero reason.

I think you've set him up for a fall, to be honest.

Well said.

pasturesgreen · 29/09/2024 08:21

You've been very kind so far OP, but I'd say it's high time now you put some boundaries in place. Vary your dog-walking route, go with DH or let him take the dog on his own for a while.

I find it particularly worrying that you say In my head l was thinking 'no' but you went in anyway. In this instance, thank God all was fine, but our spidey senses are there for a reason and you put yourself in a vulnerable position by going into the house of a virtual stranger. Tom is a passing acquaintance. It is of course rather sad he's lonely and has few friends, but to be blunt, his loneliness is not your problem. Step well away and, if necessary, block his number.

somethinggotmestarted · 29/09/2024 08:15

Texting at 1am is not ok. Your phone was on silent, but what if it wasn't and he'd woken you and your husband?

I understand he's lonely, but this has the hallmarks of turning into something problematic. Take the advice others have offered and nip this in the bud.

Original poster
PuzzleMix · 29/09/2024 08:15

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2024 07:47

I agree with what temuspecialbuy said. Pretend Tom was a woman, how would you feel about it all? Would you just ask her to not message so early/late. I wouldn't befriend a man, but if you have the belief that the sex of the person doesn't matter, then it would be quite usual to have coffee in someone's house, who you agreed to meet outside of. Tom isn't a private person, he's told a complete stranger very personal stuff. You offered him to trauma dump on you. Think a bit more about what you are offering. If it's still dog walks, going forward, tell him that you don't have much free time but are happy to dog walk with him.

Thanks for all your thoughts on this. I think if Tom was a woman l wouldn't feel as weird about it all.

When l say he is a private person - we have been saying hello for a year or so and that's it. Gradually you get to know people a bit and they reveal things. So over time he has revealed these things. He has said to me himself that he is a very private person, but he finds me easy to open up to.

I feel awful about it now and am wasting far too much time worrying about it! I'm a very friendly person, chat to lots of people on my dog walks and have a few of their numbers as we occasionally meet up, but it doesn't mean l suddenly want an intense/close relationship with any of them. And none of them text me in the early hours.

The only man l am interested in romantically is DH and l don't want to give Tom the wrong idea. DH is often busy with work but l have said l want to do as many dog walks with him as possible so that we are together!

When we arranged to go for coffee l suggested a specific cafe to head to and Tom's house is on the way, so that's why l met him outside his place.

OP posts:
Kat1981111 · 29/09/2024 07:57

Catza · 28/09/2024 22:25

I don't know... I'd say he is lonely and/or has poor social skills. Not something I would worry masses about unless it felt unsafe for you in any way.

I would say he fancies you. Try taking different route with ur dog even in car. When you do meet him just make excuse you have to go work early or you got something cooking. And you can even message him telling him to back off politely.

RedHelenB · 29/09/2024 07:54

JustWalkingTheDogs · 29/09/2024 05:08

Maybe take your DH with you next time. You'll get a good indication if it's loneliness or he's interested in you romantically

This. And maybe invite him to coffee at yours with dh if you want to be friends with him .

Fraaahnces · 29/09/2024 07:51

Feeling sorry for someone is not a good enough reason to ignore your own blaring "BOUNDARIES!" Claxon. Often people with MH issues and wobbly boundaries feel a manipulate others by paying for coffees/social events in their homes to create a sense of obligation which will perpetuate a "next time" whether you want one or not. I think that you should send a text (easier that saying in person) stating that sending messages at 1am is disruptive to both you and your husband and rude. Send links to a couple of hotlines for care-giver's and maybe Samaritans for MH support - someone to talk to in the middle of the night. I would also suggest he go to a support for care-giver's group and find people with similar lifestyle.

JudyLovesToPaint · 29/09/2024 07:51

@Ponoka7 she's not comfortable now though.

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2024 07:50

JudyLovesToPaint · 29/09/2024 07:41

I think it's a bit strange. If he's a private person it's quite a leap going from someone you say hi to, to offloading about his sister/mental health/relationship breakdown. If you're not comfortable, I'd avoid him and if you do bump into him keep the subject about your dogs, weather etc.

But she was comfortable. After he offloaded, she then offered him chats and coffee.

We should not glibly offer a support system to people going in a difficult situation.

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2024 07:47

I agree with what temuspecialbuy said. Pretend Tom was a woman, how would you feel about it all? Would you just ask her to not message so early/late. I wouldn't befriend a man, but if you have the belief that the sex of the person doesn't matter, then it would be quite usual to have coffee in someone's house, who you agreed to meet outside of. Tom isn't a private person, he's told a complete stranger very personal stuff. You offered him to trauma dump on you. Think a bit more about what you are offering. If it's still dog walks, going forward, tell him that you don't have much free time but are happy to dog walk with him.

lapochette · 29/09/2024 07:41

Being a carer can be all consuming and if he also works on top of being a carer he may just message you when he remembers and not looking for an immediate reply as he's expecting you to have your phone on dnd through the night. I also wondered if money may be tight and that's why he offered you a coffee in the house. I wouldn't have read too much into that as his sister was also there.

JudyLovesToPaint · 29/09/2024 07:41

I think it's a bit strange. If he's a private person it's quite a leap going from someone you say hi to, to offloading about his sister/mental health/relationship breakdown. If you're not comfortable, I'd avoid him and if you do bump into him keep the subject about your dogs, weather etc.

Missionimprobable · 29/09/2024 07:36

You sound like a very kind person but
he made you feel uncomfortable.
Personally, I'd try to give him a wide berth, take DH dog walking, don't go to his house again (I'm sure you don't plan to).
Don't fall into the trap of being too polite/kind to assert your boundaries.
You have instincts for a reason, trust them.

FasterMichelin · 29/09/2024 07:29

If you suggested a dog walk and a coffee, unless you specified a cafe, I think it's pretty normal he offered you in for a coffee. Perhaps he doesn't have a lot of disposable cash being a carer and hoped a coffee indoors would be fine.

The texting is a little odd.

I think this is a case for you to learn from. Don't reach out the hand of friendship and support if you don't actually want to offer it. You told him you were there to chat, he's now trying to reach out to you and you're finding it strange. Of course it's strange, you're two strangers meeting for zero reason.

I think you've set him up for a fall, to be honest.

ZekeZeke · 29/09/2024 07:23

JustWalkingTheDogs · 29/09/2024 05:08

Maybe take your DH with you next time. You'll get a good indication if it's loneliness or he's interested in you romantically

This!