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Original poster

WWYD? Friendship turning weird.

89 replies

ForLoveOrMoney · 28/09/2024 21:34

Hi,

I've had a male friend for many years. Over the years he's ranged from an acquaintance to friend and back again but never anything more. Never sexual, intimate, etc. I am 27, he is 42. I am a lone parent who had my DC 8 weeks ago. (NOT HIS DC). We were no contact until about 4 months ago because he gets very aggressive and abusive when he drinks and I got really uncomfortable being dragged into situations where I was being bullied and gaslit.

Anyways, we somehow got back in touch about 4 months ago solely via text. We met up in person again about 6 weeks ago when I had a dip post birth and was feeling really isolated. He offered to take me for a curry and I accepted. Since then we've met a handful of times but things have started to get really uncomfortable again.

For example, he has started referencing my DC as "our DC", he constantly goes on about her dad even though he's not on the scene, has subtly made comments about my parenting and how I'm doing things wrong or I'm smothering my DC with contact naps and not letting them get used to crying by cuddling DC all the time. In conversation he made suggestions about activities for a next meetbut then said things like we'll you can't swim, etc so it will have to be a pretty basic activity day. Over facetime, I was feeding DC who has a slight tongue tie and was shouted at for not knowing how to feed DC because I had to keep repositioning the bottle until she got the suck right.

He's also become a handsy when we meet up which has made me clam up and need to restate my boundaries, last weekend there was brief but obvious touching of my leg, moving really close so he's basically on my lap, etc. I felt really uncomfortable made my excuses and left. I replayed it over and over, then sent a brief text at 2am because I couldn't sleep just saying I appreciate the friendship and that he's been there for me recently but I wanted to make it clear wasn't interested in a relationship or anything if that was somehow his interpretation as the behaviour from him was making me really on edge and uncomfortable. He read the message and didn't reply until today (8 days later) which said "Here man you fucking slag, have you enjoyed taking the fucking piss out of me."

He's now blocked on everything and I'm never going to engage with him again but it's really upset me and I'm scared of any repercussions.

OP posts:
Ladyof2024 · 28/09/2024 23:00

Don't dwell on it. Use it as a lesson: keep your boundaries strict and instantly dump people who cross them.

Babybellover · 28/09/2024 22:57

I totally agree with this. Please be kind to yourself, 8 weeks post birth you’re still all over the place.

Your right to recognise that his behaviour is wrong, it is, he’s not not been respectful, crossed boundaries and is referencing your child as his - this is all very strange and worrying behaviour and I would echo advice to speak to family or a close friend so someone knows what’s happened.

Youve recognised that this is very strange and worrying and know that you need to cut contact. You could worry yourself to death about all the reasons why he may behave like this! Just be reassured that you are doing the right thing by not seeing him again.

VictoriaSpungecake · 28/09/2024 22:53

You've known him for many years, which means that you were very young when you first met. As others have said he is not a good man, but you are very strong and he has not been able to groom you. Trust that you have good instincts, make sure your friends know about his behaviour so that you are not alone with this.

Original poster
ForLoveOrMoney · 28/09/2024 22:53

@blitzen I am NE based yes, what gave it away lol. The baby group recommendation would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

Also for everyone else, we were already staying at my mums this weekend when the message from him came through so as a precautionary safety measure we may stay a couple of extra days just incase there is any underlying threat behind that reaction of his. Although he briefly attended my address outside once about 4 years ago which I'm hoping he forgot, I will be mindful though for when we are back home or out and about, as this erratic abusive behaviour used to be regular as clockwork every weekend before I went NC.

OP posts:
Franjipanl8r · 28/09/2024 22:51

He’s a nasty manipulative man who’s sensed you’re vulnerable now you have a new baby. His interest has peaked because he’s seen you’re in need of support and friendship. Don’t waste your energy even thinking about him.

Time to invest energy in meeting new mum friends for support. There are some good apps out there for meeting local mums.

blitzen · 28/09/2024 22:45

OP, you've done the right thing with the blocking. It sounds like you might need some support and friendship elsewhere. I feel like you're NE based from your writing, if so, I can recommend a lovely baby group where you will find some new mams and get a new circle. This man sounds utterly disgusting. Listen to your instincts which are right! Good luck and congratulations on your little one xx

purin · 28/09/2024 22:41

Suzuki70 · 28/09/2024 22:33

You know how a lot of male partners "change" when their female partner is pregnant/gives birth? This is like that. They know this is a vulnerable time to push your boundaries and he probably thought you wouldn't stick up for yourself.

This exactly. Ugh he is really, really creepy.

BeNavyCrab · 28/09/2024 22:38

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your baby. ❤️

Please don't blame yourself! It's human nature to reach out to others when you are lonely and going through difficult emotional situations. I'm so sorry for your loss. You didn't have anything that would have warned you about his change in behaviour. I suspect he was attracted to the idea of a "ready made family", if we are thinking of him in generous terms or thinking of you as being vulnerable and therefore easier to control. The worst possible thought is that he might have wanted to gain your trust in order to get close to your baby.😱

I would try to go to some mum and baby groups and try to grow your friendship circle, so you have some support and people who don't judge you. I don't know if it's your first child, but even if not, every child is different and it takes time to discover what works best for you and them. It's not the "critic" who's getting up in the night and dealing with everything that comes with looking after a newborn. It's especially tough doing it by yourself, so be kind to yourself.

I would be concerned about the message and this guy's behaviour. If you get any more contact from him of this nature I'd consider reporting him. Hopefully he'll just disappear forever.

DeliciousApples · 28/09/2024 22:36

I don't want to freak you out but that guy has the potential to be dangerous.

He's not co tired s crime as yet so no police involving would be require. Yet.

But please tell someone like your mum or whomever about this guy and what's happened.

Be aware of who is at the door before you answer it with the chain on. Don't let him in.

And be aware who is around when you're out and about during the day.

That guy sounds mental.
Just stay safe. Dodged a bullet with him. Creep.

OrwellianTimes · 28/09/2024 22:34

ForLoveOrMoney · 28/09/2024 22:23

The scary thing is too is that I'm also questioning if the gender of my baby or even my baby in itself has caused his switch up in behaviour.

Like, has he in someway attempted to try and prey on my baby?! I could be wayyy off the mark but the comments about DC, the fact he's predatory only since their birth, etc... maybe I'm going down a wormhole here and trying to scare myself.

It’s not worth the risk finding out. He’s nasty, leave it at that and don’t ignore those niggling thoughts if he ever tries to get in contact again. There are men who prey on vulnerable single mums to get access to the child.

IntheVicinity · 28/09/2024 22:34

OP, what’s alarming me here is that you seem to be trying to think of ways in which this man’s appalling, predatory behaviour are your fault, or your baby’s! That’s insane. You sound very vulnerable. Please seek support elsewhere.

Suzuki70 · 28/09/2024 22:33

You know how a lot of male partners "change" when their female partner is pregnant/gives birth? This is like that. They know this is a vulnerable time to push your boundaries and he probably thought you wouldn't stick up for yourself.

OrwellianTimes · 28/09/2024 22:30

ForLoveOrMoney · 28/09/2024 21:52

I'm just honestly kicking myself for being so stupid to re-engage with someone who pretty much bullied me none stop most weekends. There had been a family bereavement, I'd just given birth and wanted to feel human and grab a coffee with someone, which makes me sound pretty pathetic.

The handsyness and the weird behaviour (other than finding ways to criticise and question myself) is really new though, he's never tried anything or expressed any form of interest in dating or whatever before. So I really don't see it being a case of he's male he just wants to get in your knickers thought as I have known him a couple of years with some of that NC. Even when we started chatting again, it wasnt flirty or anything other than catching up chit chat. It just seems to have come on since I had my baby the past few weeks.

But what's scaring me is the weird behaviour but also the weird constant comments about my DC being "ours". They aren't his, they've never met, he had no presence during my pregnancy, my relationship with their dad, nothing. I'm just so confused but also worried.

Could I of done something to provoke this switch up in behaviour?

The change is you’ve had a child. Him calling your child his is extreme chilling red flags.

Nemasu · 28/09/2024 22:28

Don't blame yourself. I believe you when you say you normally have good boundaries. He caught you at a vulnerable time and exploited that. So glad you have wised up to it. Onwards and upwards 🙂

Wordsofprey · 28/09/2024 22:24

Omg that sounds seriously terrifying. He's a massive wrongen without a doubt. Referring to your baby as "ours" is crossing a line and he's making it clear he's a weirdo. Don't ever speak to him again! You must be going through it I completely empathise with you and the loneliness, I'm around the same age with a baby and it's hard. But seriously - don't let him back in again. Has he been to your house?

Original poster
ForLoveOrMoney · 28/09/2024 22:23

The scary thing is too is that I'm also questioning if the gender of my baby or even my baby in itself has caused his switch up in behaviour.

Like, has he in someway attempted to try and prey on my baby?! I could be wayyy off the mark but the comments about DC, the fact he's predatory only since their birth, etc... maybe I'm going down a wormhole here and trying to scare myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLoveOrMoney · 28/09/2024 22:19

Believe me he definitely wont be getting unblocked or any response from me moving forward. It's annoyingly making me feel stupid though. Like I feel really stupid getting myself into a situation like this due to a brief moment of isolation. I have done extensive work on myself over the years though, I have boundaries, i have self esteem and respect for myself, i want and do my best to make life better, I end relationships at the drop of a hat when boundaries have been crossed. That's why I'm so annoyed for disregarding multiple red flags for someone I've not even slept with and who isn't even an actual friend.

I shouldn't of really responded to the initial message 4 months ago anyways. It was simply because I wanted someone to talk to and exchange pleasantries with. I was on early mat leave, had some brief health concerns during pregnancy, my uncle had died and I didn't really have any interaction with people. So when he got on touch it was naively nice to have someone to exchange "how's your day been" with.

I guess I feel like it's obvious now that he reappeared at a pretty vulnerable time for me so he's slipped through the net.

OP posts:
HotPotato123 · 28/09/2024 22:18

This man is insane. Block him on everything, move on with your life and concentrate on your wee girl.

Miyagi99 · 28/09/2024 22:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I mean this man is no friend, sounds horrendous and OP needs to protect herself and her child from him but I have very good male friends I’ve known for 20 years and they definitely don’t want to shag me!!

MasterBeth · 28/09/2024 22:15

You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing wrong.

He has shown his true colours. Any time he has been "nice" to you in the past has been so that now you will ask yourself if it's your fault, if you've done anything wrong.

No-one in my life has ever said anything as abusive as "Here man you fucking slag, have you enjoyed taking the fucking piss out of me." Abusive, abhorrent, unacceptable. You are done. It's all his fault

Noseybookworm · 28/09/2024 22:13

He sounds like a total creep. Block him and don't engage with him again. Get out and about with your little one and go to mum & baby groups and meet some other mums, it's lonely looking after a baby on your own. You don't need this awful man in your life!

bringslight · 28/09/2024 22:07

ForLoveOrMoney · 28/09/2024 21:34

Hi,

I've had a male friend for many years. Over the years he's ranged from an acquaintance to friend and back again but never anything more. Never sexual, intimate, etc. I am 27, he is 42. I am a lone parent who had my DC 8 weeks ago. (NOT HIS DC). We were no contact until about 4 months ago because he gets very aggressive and abusive when he drinks and I got really uncomfortable being dragged into situations where I was being bullied and gaslit.

Anyways, we somehow got back in touch about 4 months ago solely via text. We met up in person again about 6 weeks ago when I had a dip post birth and was feeling really isolated. He offered to take me for a curry and I accepted. Since then we've met a handful of times but things have started to get really uncomfortable again.

For example, he has started referencing my DC as "our DC", he constantly goes on about her dad even though he's not on the scene, has subtly made comments about my parenting and how I'm doing things wrong or I'm smothering my DC with contact naps and not letting them get used to crying by cuddling DC all the time. In conversation he made suggestions about activities for a next meetbut then said things like we'll you can't swim, etc so it will have to be a pretty basic activity day. Over facetime, I was feeding DC who has a slight tongue tie and was shouted at for not knowing how to feed DC because I had to keep repositioning the bottle until she got the suck right.

He's also become a handsy when we meet up which has made me clam up and need to restate my boundaries, last weekend there was brief but obvious touching of my leg, moving really close so he's basically on my lap, etc. I felt really uncomfortable made my excuses and left. I replayed it over and over, then sent a brief text at 2am because I couldn't sleep just saying I appreciate the friendship and that he's been there for me recently but I wanted to make it clear wasn't interested in a relationship or anything if that was somehow his interpretation as the behaviour from him was making me really on edge and uncomfortable. He read the message and didn't reply until today (8 days later) which said "Here man you fucking slag, have you enjoyed taking the fucking piss out of me."

He's now blocked on everything and I'm never going to engage with him again but it's really upset me and I'm scared of any repercussions.

He is a predator. You are only 27 for g sake

Nemasu · 28/09/2024 22:07

You did nothing wrong. This man has a whole host of issues and is bad news! He sounds dangerous frankly. He's already been bullying, controlling, and inappropriate with you. I dread to think how his behaviour would escalate if you remained in contact with him. He is the last thing you or your baby needs right now. Thank heavens you have blocked him. Keep him blocked!
Focus on creating a calm stable life for you and your child. Get involved in local mums groups and build up your friendships that way.
I mean this kindly, you also need to work on your boundaries and understanding of healthy relationships/friendships. This man was awful to you before, why did you think it would be ok to be involved with him again?

Bunnyhair · 28/09/2024 22:05

You did nothing wrong! This man is a lunatic.

Member984815 · 28/09/2024 21:54

You did nothing wrong , don't doubt yourself