Heartbroken over porn use

Re: ED my STBXH had ED and couldn't maintain an erection for sex. He could, however, masturbate to the point of ejaculation when it was non erect (I asked him, he confirmed that).

When we went into lockdown and he started working from home he wanked himself silly in the shower, or in bed whenever I took the kids out anywhere. Used to treat himself to some viagra for himself, too.

He totally rejected any kind of physical touch from me and then when I eventually left him (for multiple reasons, but all boiled down to him being a selfish prick) had the cheek to say I made him feel rejected as he'd put on weight.

Leave this arsehole, op.

And why are you worrying about not finding another man? What's this one bringing to your life? You don't need a man to live a happy life.

You don't, you find one in his 30s.

If you want to save this relationship, I'd suggest changing your approach.. ask him why he's watching porn and not having sex with you.
If he tries to minimise the impact, then you simply tell him you're a human being who is in a monogamous relationship and would like to have sex with their partner. This doesn't happen when he's consuming mounds of porn, so the porn is a problem.

A. Why is it only op who's trying to save the relationship?
He had his chance to save it and he's chucked it away. He's now saying nothing and has gone to the spare room. Where is his fight to save the relationship (that he already reneged on saving)?

B. I have a feeling the op has said something approaching what you have suggested, already.

If you have no kids together or your kids are grown up, and you'd be ok financially...... Why flog a dead horse.

He had his chance and he's thrown it away.

He clearly thinks you're not going to end the relationship with him.
That's part of the reason he's slipped back to the excess porn use and not bothering to try to have sex with you.

(As an aside, I'm a bit confused about how the sex life was great but you mentioned him having ED.

Also, if he has ED, maybe that's one of the reasons he prefers porn, no "performance" requirement).

MaineHatton , bloody hard work, is it really worth it ?

Just to add, you said the relationship is otherwise perfect..

But you want a sex life and he's not offering one. He's rejecting you/not seeking sex with you and using porn to excess instead.

This would be perfect if he was with a women who doesn't want a sex life for whatever reasons (and has no ethical objections to porn use).
But he's not.

So it's like saying "this car is perfect, aside from the fact that the engine isn't working".

If you want to save this relationship, I'd suggest changing your approach.. ask him why he's watching porn and not having sex with you.

If he tries to minimise the impact, then you simply tell him you're a human being who is in a monogamous relationship and would like to have sex with their partner. This doesn't happen when he's consuming mounds of porn, so the porn is a problem.

You don't really need to be told what to say - be blunt. Tell him it makes you feel like shit that a phone or computer screen is being prioritised.

If he really doesn't get the "impact" from a blunt explanation, then he's purposely minimising rsther than ignorant, and if that's the case then nothing you say will matter - he's made his choice.

But yes, first ask him why. It could be an addiction. If it is, he needs to face it head on and get help. He could genuinely prefer it to you... I'd say his loss really. Plenty of single men out there who are probably fed up with having to use porn and would love to have a real woman in their bed.

I would absolutely leave someone over this, if they chose the porn. Its very painful - its happened before, ex was an addict. It's one thing to have no sex drive for health reasons or what not (would not make me leave), it's another to have a sex drive but "using" it on porn instead of your actual partner 100% of the time.

There are a lot of people out there. One would imagine you could meet one solitary man around your age who doesn't use porn to excess and wants a sex life.

You only need one.

How can I get across my feelings with IMPACT? Something that will make him get it from my side?

Mate I'm genuinely not trying. to be hurtful but ...

You have no difficulty expressing yourself, you are articulate, you have told him your feelings before, you have made it clear already. He already knows.

You are thinking there is some new or special way that you can express yourself ..that will make him realise and stop, but there isn't.

He realised. That's why he stopped and your sex life became good again.

He knows. He knows all about it.

And, due to whatever reasons, he has let excessive porn use slip back and your sex life slip away again. It's been his choice and his inclination.

There are no special words to make him realise and change.

You've been through it all already.

Tell him as you need sex you will be opening the marriage to having sex elsewhere. His reaction to that should tell you all you need to know.

As above, you could suggest you have a fwb for sex.

You would have a lot of options.

I don't think he'll go for that though. And it's opening the door for him to move to sex with other people, like cam sex etc.

If you end the relationship and have sex with someone else; why does it have to be a man in his 50s??

Is it that you only want sex in a long-term committed cohabiting situation? Because you could have sex with a nan of any age if it's casual-ish.
(Yes, the age range would probably be narrower for a serious relationship).

Anyway, even if it is only 50 something men, I'm sure there are men in their 50s who don't have ED. I'm sure you can find one who wants a sex life and is functional.

If you want sex and he doesn't (which seems to be the crux of the matter) have you asked your DH if he'd be ok with you having a discreet FWB? Seems mad to throw away an otherwise good relationship over just one issue.

Personally the porn issue wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but we're all different.

Not even in the toilet/bathroom?

-edit for typo

Sorry quoted wrong post

I’ve heard it all now. No words really

And you quite clearly are completely oblivious when it comes to sex, the psychology of sex and natural female desire 😂

I don't have a problem with porn, but porn addicts are not sexy, the last thing I'd be doing is to try to make him prefer me over a screen. A man who prefers to watch porn than have sex with a real woman emasculates himself. Sure, some women will get upset about it and let it affect their self esteem and maybe they will try to compete for a while, but after that they tend to be massively turned off him and see him as pathetic and then move on to men who actually want to have sex with a real life woman.

Man here ….and what do you want a gold fucking medal ????

My first piece of advice would be….we don’t want your advice FUCK OFF

Since it has a predominantly female audience… yeah it’s called Mumsnet for a reason ….FUCK OFF

More specifically, women who are completely oblivious when it comes to sex….who do you think you are fucking Hugh Hefner?

Focus on the psychology of establishing a true connection and he won't need to go near porn…..how about you focus on yourself? Your obviously so bored you feel the need to come on a female platform and ‘give advice’

If I throw a stick will you leave?

Fuck off. And when you get there fuck off some more you disgusting woman hating moron

He prefers wanking to exploitative porn to having sex with you. Dump the twat

Man here.

^

Great. Words of wisdom indeed, oh holy one

I have no objection to porn but it's the fact he has chosen it over you which is utterly humiliating.

Hope you've managed to have a discussion but no idea how I'd react to this.