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Original poster

Heartbroken over porn use

112 replies

Cryingoverporn · 28/09/2024 20:09

My husband and I had a very infrequent sex life. I found out that he was downloading hundreds of porn videos, whilst never having sex with me.

About a year ago we had a heart-to-heart, and he stopped watching porn and our sex life improved dramatically. However, over the last few months we are back to never having sex or hardly ever, and I looked at his laptop this evening ( he is at work), and he is downloading reams and reams of porn again.

I cannot compete with the girls in these videos. I’m reasonably attractive but I am 54 years old!! I feel absolutely heartbroken. He has experienced what a proper sex life is with me, as it was so good for six months, but he has obviously decided that he prefers the porn/other women, to me.

We have a great holiday coming up and lots of retirement plans, but I just feel absolutely done in, and I think for the first time ever, I’m actually truly ready to throw in the towel on our relationship over this. I cannot imagine going into retirement and being celibate, whilst he watches other women on a screen in another room.

Any advice? I feel fucking crushed. I think I need to move on. He’s had so many chances to put this right.

OP posts:
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WandsOut · 30/09/2024 09:12

So many issues here with how it's playing out - watching porn with him isn't going to help either of you regain intimacy. If he was an alcoholic and you agreed to drink with him, it wouldn't help the issues.

Maybe it's time to get your ducks in a row after the holiday?

Original poster
Cryingoverporn · 29/09/2024 17:22

ZippyDenimBear · 29/09/2024 17:00

Your posts are increasingly helpful! 😂

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Once a month feels like celibacy to me! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Cryingoverporn · 29/09/2024 17:22

Lurkingandlearning · 29/09/2024 15:49

I’m confused. You didn’t know he’d been watching it for quite some time, so how would you know what he does while he watches it?

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His laptop lives in the lounge. I don't think he would wank in the lounge, where I could walk in at any moment. Also, the curtains are always open.

OP posts:
ZippyDenimBear · 29/09/2024 17:00

HazelPlayer · 29/09/2024 14:55

Currently we're only managing about once a month!!

How have you been made to be celibate then?

Your posts are increasingly helpful! 😂

Lurkingandlearning · 29/09/2024 15:49

Cryingoverporn · 29/09/2024 15:39

Yeah, there is a lock on bathroom door. But honestly, I really don't think he is wanking. I wfh, I think I'd know. He's not in there for very long. Could be wrong of course.

I’m confused. You didn’t know he’d been watching it for quite some time, so how would you know what he does while he watches it?

Original poster
Cryingoverporn · 29/09/2024 15:39

Yeah, there is a lock on bathroom door. But honestly, I really don't think he is wanking. I wfh, I think I'd know. He's not in there for very long. Could be wrong of course.

OP posts:
Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 29/09/2024 15:03

Cryingoverporn · 28/09/2024 21:12

If you knew the layout of our house you’d know why he wouldn’t have the privacy to wank.

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Surely there’s a lock on the bathroom door!

Disturbia81 · 29/09/2024 15:03

@Cryingoverporn Oops sorry for assuming, it's just usually the young ones. That's one thing at least.

Original poster
Cryingoverporn · 29/09/2024 15:01

HazelPlayer · 29/09/2024 14:55

Currently we're only managing about once a month!!

How have you been made to be celibate then?

It sometimes feels that way! I would like sex twice a week (at least), so when we go a month without, it's annoying. When he isn't working (on holiday), it gets better. His working pattern IS very tiring. Long shifts that keep changing. But still!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cryingoverporn · 29/09/2024 14:58

Disturbia81 · 29/09/2024 13:31

So gross. An older man watching 18 year olds, so so so fucking grim. When he has a real woman wanting him. HOW on earth can porn ever be better than a real love woman he can have sex with!!

He never searches for young women. It's always older women (GILF etc). That's at least one thing that's less grim.

OP posts:
HazelPlayer · 29/09/2024 14:55

Currently we're only managing about once a month!!

How have you been made to be celibate then?

HazelPlayer · 29/09/2024 14:51

I'll have to wait and see if a) he brings it on holiday, and b) if we have more sex on holiday.

I'm not trying to be rude but how would that prove anything??

Of course he's going to bring it and of course he's going to try to up the sex frequency.

He knows he's in for trouble if he doesn't follow through on his "explanation".

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 29/09/2024 14:43

I think that’s a good update OP and kind of makes sense as you felt he wasn’t masturbating at home.

Lurkingandlearning · 29/09/2024 14:39

Cryingoverporn · 28/09/2024 21:12

If you knew the layout of our house you’d know why he wouldn’t have the privacy to wank.

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I’m puzzled. He was watching it without you knowing, so I thought when you were out, asleep or in another room.

Does the layout of your home mean you’re always together in the same room? That would mean he’s watching it while you’re in the room with him but you haven’t noticed. That’s very weird of him

GingerPirate · 29/09/2024 14:15

pinkleopardess · 28/09/2024 20:20

Many reasons. For one, p*rn is an entirely selfish act. He doesn’t have to consider anyone but himself. He has limitless women (or men) to choose from. And it changes the brain via dopamine responses. Sex with a real partner becomes less exciting than wanking to a screen.

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Or completely redundant.

GingerPirate · 29/09/2024 14:12

Mamabobogo · 28/09/2024 20:12

My advice, life’s too short.

leave and enjoy your retirement.

you’ve given him a chance.

sorry

Very good.
Leave and enjoy are the important bits!

TicketyBoo11 · 29/09/2024 13:54

TicketyBoo11 · 29/09/2024 13:47

You have your answer. He sees you as a friend, companion call it what you will. If he wanted to have a sexual relationship with you he would..he doesn’t. For whatever reason he’s made that choice. Speaking from experience here, it’s now your choice. Platonic with little or no sex or leave. It’s truly horrible, honestly it really is. I stayed and just don’t care about it anymore , we’re friends. I’m sorry.

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Just to be clear, my situation is a DH with a dwindled, low, apathetic sex drive after 20+ years. Mine’s probably normal, bit up bit down. No idea if he is watching porn. He’s not interested in changing things, just a nice man who doesn’t find sex important…still hits your self esteem hard when you’re rejected though. It all comes down to rejection and how we handle it.

TicketyBoo11 · 29/09/2024 13:47

Cryingoverporn · 29/09/2024 09:00

I don’t want a FWB situation. I just wanted a normal marriage with a reasonable sex life. I wouldn’t mind the porn so much if it was alongside a good sex life. But it isn’t. I’m almost celibate because of this. He’s choosing it over me.

You have your answer. He sees you as a friend, companion call it what you will. If he wanted to have a sexual relationship with you he would..he doesn’t. For whatever reason he’s made that choice. Speaking from experience here, it’s now your choice. Platonic with little or no sex or leave. It’s truly horrible, honestly it really is. I stayed and just don’t care about it anymore , we’re friends. I’m sorry.

jeaux90 · 29/09/2024 13:45

Sorry OP but you have know the most porn is just exploitation of women at best, at worst it happens without consent. Specifically if he is using Porn Hub they had to take down about 70% of monetised content recently as it was either under age or abuse etc and uploaded without consent.

I could not be with a man like that.

Fiery30 · 29/09/2024 13:42

If you suggested watching videoes together and he has a history of over-watching porn, why didn't you take charge and download some videos yourself? By making that suggestion, you have let him take advantage of it.
However, apart from this, if his porn use is directly affecting your sex life, then sex therapy would be useful in exploring this. That would also give you a clearer view of the future of your marriage.

Disturbia81 · 29/09/2024 13:31

So gross. An older man watching 18 year olds, so so so fucking grim. When he has a real woman wanting him. HOW on earth can porn ever be better than a real love woman he can have sex with!!

Pigeonqueen · 29/09/2024 13:27

Cryingoverporn · 29/09/2024 13:25

Well, we had a LONG talk. He insisted that the porn was downloaded to take on our upcoming holiday, because I had suggested we watch some raunchy stuff together. I don't believe him, but, as I DID suggest that very recently, I can't prove or disprove what he is saying. The last time we were on holiday, we had sex twice or three times a day, and he said he wants to get back to that. So, I guess time will tell. Currently we're only managing about once a month!! Our working patterns don't help, as we are sometimes passing ships, but still!

So that's a very boring update, and I'll have to wait and see if a) he brings it on holiday, and b) if we have more sex on holiday.

I think you’re giving him very mixed messages about how you feel about porn if you’re suggesting you watch it together on holiday.

Original poster
Cryingoverporn · 29/09/2024 13:25

Well, we had a LONG talk. He insisted that the porn was downloaded to take on our upcoming holiday, because I had suggested we watch some raunchy stuff together. I don't believe him, but, as I DID suggest that very recently, I can't prove or disprove what he is saying. The last time we were on holiday, we had sex twice or three times a day, and he said he wants to get back to that. So, I guess time will tell. Currently we're only managing about once a month!! Our working patterns don't help, as we are sometimes passing ships, but still!

So that's a very boring update, and I'll have to wait and see if a) he brings it on holiday, and b) if we have more sex on holiday.

OP posts:
HazelPlayer · 29/09/2024 10:29

And if he chooses you and you ever find any porn on his computer....

This has already happened.

That's why the op posted.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 29/09/2024 09:25

Cryingoverporn · 29/09/2024 08:36

I texted him last night to say I’d found all the porn. He was working late. By the time he got home I was in bed. He slept in the spare room. Any ideas what to say from my point of view? How can I get across my feelings with IMPACT? Something that will make him get it from my side?

You just say how it is. He has chosen porn over his own willing wife.

Quite clearly he has an addiction to porn so he needs to make a choice. You or the porn.

And if he chooses you and you ever find any porn on his computer then it's marriage over and he leaves.