Would you take on c. 10K debt to have one chance of another child?

Please read your final paragraph - scared of leaving your daughter with no-one. If you got pregnant and it was as traumatic as with your DD , you could leave her with no-one. Only children get on just as well in life as those with siblings and having siblings doesn’t guarantee they will get on and be friends ( plenty of examples of strained family relationships / NC on mumsnet) so DD may still end up alone.

if you look at the cumulative odds the treatment only gives a 1 in five chance of success, what are the odds of a subsequent pregnancy being as tough as your first - statistically higher following a first trauma so combining those odds it’s a very high risk strategy to end up with failure or worse ( life changing illness or even death). If the pregnancy is successful, what would you do if the DC was seriously ill / had disabilities which required life long support and one of you had to give up work ? You said the debt would be repayable if your financial situation stayed the same - one income less would blow this up. Treatment will also put strain on your existing relationship with your DD & DH.

If it were me I would be putting my energy ( and funds) into enjoying my existing DD, building life long memories with her and cherishing the family unit you currently have.

I would suggest posting on the Infertility board here mentioning your stats @ohcrapimuseless . Lots of posters there are having IVF and someone may have been successful in a similar situation 🤞I really hope you can be one of the lucky ones, you never know.

But I was 40 when I conceived and had an amh of about 6 I think - plus a good FSH and follicle count back then and no other known fertility issues or male issue (as I used donor sperm as a SMBC). It still took me 2 IVF rounds of multiple transfers to conceive (after multiple failed IUI’s too). They eventually told me it really was a case of finding a good egg - and that it gets harder as you get older to get one (so apparently they weren’t surprised at all the failures at my age and I just needed to keep trying - of course they didn’t mention that before I started treatment! 🤣).

We chose not to.

I’d already had a fair few miscarriages before DS though, and I couldn’t face spending £6k (as it was then), having IVF, getting pregnant, and then miscarrying again. Five years later I remain sad not to have a second child, but still think I definitely made the right decision re: IVF.

Yes I spent best part of £40k, re mortgaged house (additional borrowing over 20 years) and a bank loan (5 years)

Wasn't worth it? Absolutely yes. It's only money

I absolutely wouldn't. It's a lot of debt to get into for something with a high chance of something going wrong. I'd caveat this with the fact that my husband and I had decided as a couple that if we couldn't conceive naturally, we wouldn't have kids at all, but I guess for someone who does go down that route, could they trust themself to stop after one failure, or would it be "just one more try... just one more try..."

I haven’t read the whole thread but purely thinking of finances I would not underestimate the impact a second child could have on your finances especially if you have had a difficult pregnancy in the past.

Would you still be able to comfortably pay off the dept if you only had one income?

Under these circumstances with the likelihood of a very high risk pregnancy then I absolutely would not.

Just want to say, OP, you're under no obligation to give your child a sibling. Mine's an only child too, and not by choice - but tbh, looking at him with his friends and his life with us, I honestly think he's fine, and he's going to be fine.

Yes 100% you'll never get this chance again, we only regret in life the things we don't do. Go for it. Less than a 10% chance for us and we got lucky.

I chose not to. But that was our personal choice and it was right for us (bar the odd twinge of regret that DS is an only) but I firmly believe that regret would be greater if there was still no DC 2 and also 10k of debt (we don't buy cars holidays etc on credit so for us it would be unusual to have that level of debt). But because it was my choice and right for me it doesn't mean it should be anyone else's.

No, spend your money on the child you already have.

I must admit though I've never understood this need to give siblings. There is nothing wrong with having 1 child.

Same.

If it was £50k, it would take a lot more consideration. £10k is not crazy money.

If £10k "worked" then obviously, fantastic.

If it didn't, I think I'd be more at peace with having at least tried and been unsuccessful than never to have tried at all.

@Runningupthecurtains yes ours was ICSI. We had male factor, so it's always ICSI.

The OP says it would be ICSI not normal IVF so the costs are higher.

Why 10k? I did IVF abroad for more than half that. What is the reason for your infertility, and how old are you? We did IVF at 32 and had male factor infertility. Our chances were incredibly good (and proved correct). The stats are just an average, it really depends on your individual situation.

It sounds like you are in tough place mentally OP I would weigh up what would make you feel worse - trying and likely failing but knowing that you’d tried (albeit “losing” the money) or accepting the odds are too low and using the money for your DD instead.

For me, the answer to the question is a bit more obvious from a practical point of view - I’m 43 and from a statistical perspective the chances of a single round working are slim to none (because you’d need a lot of embryos at that age in order to get just 1 euploid embryo- and I only make a few embryos each round). I just can’t afford the 2 or 3 rounds I’d likely need to stand a chance of it actually working 😢

If you are even a few years younger with a high follicle count/good amh etc then I can see why the decision is tougher, whether to risk that 1 round.

But I just noticed (if I’m understanding correctly) - was your DD conceived naturally (albeit after a long time/losses?) If that’s the case, then no, I don’t think I’d risk a single round of IVF if it would put me into debt - simply because what clinics don’t tell you is that it can sometimes take a 2nd round in order to find what medications/dosage level works best for you. I didn’t have my son until my 2nd lot of IVF - they said my egg quality was much better the 2nd time around when they used different medications. IVF can be trial and error until they know how you respond to the meds.

Depends on your age I think and the age of your dc. It's a lot of money but in the big scheme of things it's the same as a car.. and you don't know how much you will earn in the future and it may be a big regret? However you can have a fab life with one kid...you have a lot of freedom ! Siblings aren't guaranteed to get along. Hope you get some resolution x

Yes I probably would. It's not a huge amount of money and at least you'll know you tried. I left it very late for my second and we were fortunate that when the pregnancy stuck it was fairly straightforward. I would have paid 10k to have a second baby if I'd been presented with that choice pre baby and not knowing if I was going to have one or not.

if it was for my first yes, but for second no.

plus i wouldnt risk my life again and to potentially leave a child without a mother.

your daughter wont be 'left alone' she will make friends, she will have a partner down the line and possibly create her own family one day.

i have a brother, zero relationship with him.

I had this scenario. It was a conversation in our house. We had no savings and after several miscarriages were considering our options. A friend of mine spent 30k 15 years ago on several attempts, the last of which resulted in twins. As far as I know that 30k is still being paid off the credit cards. We planned to do the same but then after 3 miscarriages I was diagnosed with a clotting condition. Less than 20% positive outcome without treatment. Before my successful pregnancy I was absolutely ready to spend whatever it cost. We discussed it again when I had a further miscarriage when our little boy was a toddler. We had the savings in this case but ultimately decided not to. I had other options though and the issue for me was my blood, which wasn’t something ICSI would have been able to combat.

I would have definitely given it strong consideration if it had been my last option. I was nearly 39 when I had baby 1 and nearly 42 with baby 2 so it’s not like I could take my time thinking about it.

i think it would depend on a few factors

a) was 1 natural of assisted +
b) the health conditions (some can be overstated by drs, I for instance was told I’d never conceive naturally due to irregular periods and dh having 3% morphology, we ended up having 2 children naturally)
c) if there was any chance of conceiving naturally
d) the clinic and the reputation of the clinic, if it was the best in the area etc
e) if there was anything I could do to boost the odds of success
f) if there was anything I could do to reduce cost, some do refund cycles of ivf if not successful and some do multi cycle or egg donation to reduce cost
g) my age
h) how much I really really wanted another child
i) my overall financial situation

so in my very specific circumstances where despite being told I’d need Icsi, I conceived naturally, and I was in my early 30s. No I wouldn’t.

BUT my circumstances aren’t yours