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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell him I was disappointing not to hear from him

113 replies

terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 17:21

I have been dating a guy for about 10 dates. Early on in dating he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation. It made him feel anxious and he preferred someone to give a heads up if they were likely to go quiet for a while. I totally agreed with this and his open communication is something I’ve really liked about him. We’ve both stuck to this throughout and it’s nice.

We were supposed to go out last night and then I was going to stay at his house and we had brunch plans today. It had been a long anticipated date as he was on a work trip the week before.

Unfortunately I had a family emergency at the last minute and had to drive down to my parents urgently yesterday and will be here for the weekend.

He was nice enough when I first told him, but he went out elsewhere last night and the last I heard of him was one word, at 5pm yesterday, and nothing since. This is really REALLY unusual for him and really at odds with what he always says about keeping in touch. I know everyone has different texting patterns/boundaries, but this is very unusual in our dynamic.

AIBU to text him and tell him I was disappointed in this? I don’t want to stop
seeing him or anything, but it felt really disrespectful.

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 28/09/2024 18:32

"he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation"

WTF?! He has to be able to track your movements? That's nuts. Why are you even dating him?

loropianalover · 28/09/2024 18:31

HowNowBrownCow2 · 28/09/2024 18:28

Sounds like he is punishing you.

I agree, he snubbed OP last weekend after she went out partying, and is snubbing her again today because she cancelled their plans. Sounds like baby can’t stand to not get his way.

For what it’s worth OP, you really need to consider that someone who can’t adapt to last minute changes, spontaneous nights out, family emergencies without giving the silent treatment or a ‘taste of your own medicine’ is very unattractive. Inability to be understanding does not make for a good partner.

HowNowBrownCow2 · 28/09/2024 18:28

Sounds like he is punishing you.

BobbyBiscuits · 28/09/2024 18:24

Too much hard work, arse ache, bullshit. He needs to grow a pair and stop being such a narcissist that he thinks he can impose regimented rules on people then blank them. He does not sound healthy or decent tbh.
Not worth it and you can do so much better.

pleatspleats · 28/09/2024 18:24

Throw this one back!

TheShellBeach · 28/09/2024 18:22

terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 18:16

Definitely not the case. He knows things are quiet here at my parents and i’m not doing much. I do indeed think he’s gone out, but the last text was me asking what he had planned last night, and he didn’t reply and hasn’t text back since.

Show quote history

Oh, so it's okay if he does it to you, but not if you do it to him.
Got it.

Teacherprebaby · 28/09/2024 18:21

terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 18:05

The last time I text him was to ask if he’d planned something else fun for the weekend, and he didn’t reply.

Before that he was also replying really
sporadically once I’d cancelled our weekend plans.

It did occur to me that when I went a bit quiet last weekend as I was at a friend’s birthday party, he ignored me for a while the next morning and then made a comment about how I’d taken a long time to reply the night before so he could take a long time too.

He said it in a slightly less ominous sounding way than I’ve described it above but at the time it struck me as super odd and now it’s adding up a bit more.

Show quote history

Oh ffs, is he 5? Why would you want to be with someone like that?

TheShellBeach · 28/09/2024 18:20

terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 18:05

The last time I text him was to ask if he’d planned something else fun for the weekend, and he didn’t reply.

Before that he was also replying really
sporadically once I’d cancelled our weekend plans.

It did occur to me that when I went a bit quiet last weekend as I was at a friend’s birthday party, he ignored me for a while the next morning and then made a comment about how I’d taken a long time to reply the night before so he could take a long time too.

He said it in a slightly less ominous sounding way than I’ve described it above but at the time it struck me as super odd and now it’s adding up a bit more.

Show quote history

Bloody hell OP don't settle for this shit.

Throw this one back! He's really controlling.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 18:20

what was the “one word at 5pm”??

Original poster
terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 18:16

AlohaRose · 28/09/2024 17:51

Am I missing something here? He said he likes to know if people are not going to be available for a while so you messaged explaining that you had a family emergency and couldn't make the date, he responded (nicely you said), made other plans and is now leaving you to deal with the emergency. Is it possible that he thinks you haven't got time for messaging right now now?

Definitely not the case. He knows things are quiet here at my parents and i’m not doing much. I do indeed think he’s gone out, but the last text was me asking what he had planned last night, and he didn’t reply and hasn’t text back since.

OP posts:
ShouldIEvenBother · 28/09/2024 18:15

Your update is quite telling OP. He is a control freak. End it, he's going to be a nightmare. 💐

RedHelenB · 28/09/2024 18:13

AlohaRose · 28/09/2024 17:51

Am I missing something here? He said he likes to know if people are not going to be available for a while so you messaged explaining that you had a family emergency and couldn't make the date, he responded (nicely you said), made other plans and is now leaving you to deal with the emergency. Is it possible that he thinks you haven't got time for messaging right now now?

This.

Olika · 28/09/2024 18:08

"It did occur to me that when I went a bit quiet last weekend as I was at a friend’s birthday party, he ignored me for a while the next morning and then made a comment about how I’d taken a long time to reply the night before so he could take a long time too.

He said it in a slightly less ominous sounding way than I’ve described it above but at the time it struck me as super odd and now it’s adding up a bit more."

Oh gosh I dislike him even more after reading this. You should just never meet him again.

Olika · 28/09/2024 18:06

"Early on in dating he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation."

I don't like this. It's controlling and needy. Also I would take a step back and give him space to show you what he really thinks of you by observing his behaviour. Don't try to explain or apologise further about cancelling due to family emergency. Just let him be busy with his 'other plans' until he gets in touch again. If he doesn't then you know he wasn't the person to build meaningful relationship with.

Original poster
terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 18:05

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/09/2024 17:57

Might he just assume you are busy with your family crisis? Or would you expect him to still be sending you messages even though you might not respond? I don't really see it as rude but it might be a miscommunication or controlling.

The last time I text him was to ask if he’d planned something else fun for the weekend, and he didn’t reply.

Before that he was also replying really
sporadically once I’d cancelled our weekend plans.

It did occur to me that when I went a bit quiet last weekend as I was at a friend’s birthday party, he ignored me for a while the next morning and then made a comment about how I’d taken a long time to reply the night before so he could take a long time too.

He said it in a slightly less ominous sounding way than I’ve described it above but at the time it struck me as super odd and now it’s adding up a bit more.

OP posts:
Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright · 28/09/2024 17:58

This is one of the most classic red flags in the book!

MumblesParty · 28/09/2024 17:57

He’s punishing you for letting him down OP. I don’t think that bodes well for the future.

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/09/2024 17:57

Might he just assume you are busy with your family crisis? Or would you expect him to still be sending you messages even though you might not respond? I don't really see it as rude but it might be a miscommunication or controlling.

AlohaRose · 28/09/2024 17:51

Am I missing something here? He said he likes to know if people are not going to be available for a while so you messaged explaining that you had a family emergency and couldn't make the date, he responded (nicely you said), made other plans and is now leaving you to deal with the emergency. Is it possible that he thinks you haven't got time for messaging right now now?

Gymmum82 · 28/09/2024 17:49

I agree he’s punishing you for daring to cancel the date.
As for him having to know where you are and what you’re doing if you’re going to go quiet I’m not sure I’d like that either. It does sound quite controlling. I don’t even tell my husband if I’m going to ‘go quiet’ I’m just busy

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:42

and the last I heard of him was one word, at 5pm yesterday, and nothing since.

and you’ve messaged in this time but no response?

username0489 · 28/09/2024 17:41

He sounds very controlling and like he's punishing you. I have no idea why you agreed to be at his beck and call 24/7 as I would have blocked him. Now the mask is slipping further and he's punishing you for not going on the date.

You need to end this.

SpringboksSocks · 28/09/2024 17:40

It’s definitely rude

SpringboksSocks · 28/09/2024 17:38

terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 17:26

He definitely didn’t forbid me at all! He just said it was something he found hard, when we were talking about what we struggle with in dating. He said he preferred it to just get a heads-up of someone is going to go quiet. It came up in the context of that conversation.

Show quote history

I’ve been on the receiving end of a partner just going quiet for long periods out of nowhere and so I can possibly relate to him on this one and I don’t necessarily think it’s controlling.

But his actions yesterday and today don’t follow and I think you’d be right to be bringing it up.

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:38

since that one word message from him

have you messaged him?