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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell him I was disappointing not to hear from him

113 replies

terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 17:21

I have been dating a guy for about 10 dates. Early on in dating he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation. It made him feel anxious and he preferred someone to give a heads up if they were likely to go quiet for a while. I totally agreed with this and his open communication is something I’ve really liked about him. We’ve both stuck to this throughout and it’s nice.

We were supposed to go out last night and then I was going to stay at his house and we had brunch plans today. It had been a long anticipated date as he was on a work trip the week before.

Unfortunately I had a family emergency at the last minute and had to drive down to my parents urgently yesterday and will be here for the weekend.

He was nice enough when I first told him, but he went out elsewhere last night and the last I heard of him was one word, at 5pm yesterday, and nothing since. This is really REALLY unusual for him and really at odds with what he always says about keeping in touch. I know everyone has different texting patterns/boundaries, but this is very unusual in our dynamic.

AIBU to text him and tell him I was disappointed in this? I don’t want to stop
seeing him or anything, but it felt really disrespectful.

OP posts:
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randomflumpsy · 29/09/2024 12:23

So, he views a lack of communication as disrespectful and wrong and yet he is doing the very thing he says he doesnt like to you?

Huge red flag. Whether he is controlling or this is just a communication preference, the fact he has such a ridiculous double standard for his behaviour is outrageous.

ChristmasFluff · 29/09/2024 12:12

Well you've seen your 'agreement' only works one-way - you have to check in all the time, but he doesn't.

This shouldn't be 'disappointing', this should be a deal-breaker. He says he gets anxious so you have to check in, but he doesn't care how you feel when he goes AWOL This means it's not a 'dating difficulty' that he has, it means he's a liar and a controller.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/09/2024 11:08

chestnutroast · 29/09/2024 09:17

i don’t think the OP will be returning to the thread, but if you do OP… have any of your friends met him?

Indeed. This thread just highlights how important is to not desperately want to fall in love, and to be perfectly happy in yourself before you even consider embarking on a relationship.

Otherwise you end up, even as op has detailed herself as a wised up woman not downtrodden, after just 10 dates, dismissing all the absolutely glaring red flags in a desperation to be in love.

roadmaintenance · 29/09/2024 10:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

chestnutroast · 29/09/2024 09:17

i don’t think the OP will be returning to the thread, but if you do OP… have any of your friends met him?

Tae1 · 29/09/2024 08:50

OP, he sounds like a twatty man child.
Don't bother wasting your time.

Fastback · 29/09/2024 08:43

You really should want to stop seeing this dickhead @terryclothmum. He’s punishing you for cancelling on him for an emergency with your family. He’s having a strop because you had to go to help your family… can you not see how fucked up that is?

Nicebloomers · 29/09/2024 07:32

Bunnyhair · 29/09/2024 01:34

I mean, maybe? But if someone I’d just met felt compelled to frontload a new relationship with instructions on how to tiptoe around their minefield of emotional triggers I would get the fuck out of there.

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This.

Maria1979 · 29/09/2024 07:32

The problem OP is that he's doing to you what he asked you not to do because it makes him anxious. So wary about his own feelings but a total disregard for others. It is quite revealing about his character. Not someone I would like to date nor want as a friend tbh.

ZekeZeke · 29/09/2024 07:28

terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 18:05

The last time I text him was to ask if he’d planned something else fun for the weekend, and he didn’t reply.

Before that he was also replying really
sporadically once I’d cancelled our weekend plans.

It did occur to me that when I went a bit quiet last weekend as I was at a friend’s birthday party, he ignored me for a while the next morning and then made a comment about how I’d taken a long time to reply the night before so he could take a long time too.

He said it in a slightly less ominous sounding way than I’ve described it above but at the time it struck me as super odd and now it’s adding up a bit more.

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Can you seriously not hear those deafening alarm bells going off? I can hear them from Ireland!

chestnutroast · 29/09/2024 07:18

I don’t think we’re saying what the Op wanted to hear

MidnightMeltdown · 29/09/2024 01:47

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2024 17:24

You really really should want to stop seeing him op. You should have ran for the hills the first time he forbade you from not telling him what you are doing if you go for a few hours. That is controlling, and a mahousive red flag.

This.

Tough luck if he 'finds it hard'. That is very much a him problem and something that he needs to deal with and get over if he wants to have relationship. He shouldn't be trying to control you because of his issues.

I wouldn't even bother to contact him again. He's clearly a man child.

Bunnyhair · 29/09/2024 01:34

AHobbyaweek · 29/09/2024 01:04

@Bunnyhair but that is not what has been said.
Yes the result might be anxiety but it is good communication to discuss that this and this makes it easier to be in a relationship where you are having the conversation rather than hoping someone is a mind reader.
There are always things that might cause feelings of that nature and yes you are responsible for how you respond but it is not bad to discuss how to limit them in a relationship

I mean, maybe? But if someone I’d just met felt compelled to frontload a new relationship with instructions on how to tiptoe around their minefield of emotional triggers I would get the fuck out of there.

Fluoreto · 29/09/2024 01:17

terryclothmum · 28/09/2024 19:06

Both in our 40s but he’s never been married.

Edited
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I bet he bloody hasn't.

AHobbyaweek · 29/09/2024 01:04

@Bunnyhair but that is not what has been said.
Yes the result might be anxiety but it is good communication to discuss that this and this makes it easier to be in a relationship where you are having the conversation rather than hoping someone is a mind reader.
There are always things that might cause feelings of that nature and yes you are responsible for how you respond but it is not bad to discuss how to limit them in a relationship

friendlycat · 29/09/2024 00:41

This should be the super hot fun times getting to know each other. It really should not involve any sulking because you went to a friends party.

There should be some low key supportive messages regarding your family emergency. Not punishing you for cancelling plans.

You can already see some red flags.

In My 40s I really would not be able to tolerate being controlled like this. Whatever you say he is trying to control you. The sulking over you attending a party and his words afterwards would tell me all I needed to know.

If he’s displaying this behaviour ten weeks in it’s not a good sign and will only get worse. At your age do you want to be with someone who sulks and makes you pay emotionally if you see a friend and visit family in an emergency?

pictoosh · 29/09/2024 00:08

Skyrainlight · 28/09/2024 17:35

"Early on in dating he said it was important to
him that the person he was dating didn’t disappear for hours without explanation." Huge red flag!!!!!

Thought the same.

I'll disappear for hours on end whenever I want thanks.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 28/09/2024 23:59

Why on earth did you agree to date him to begin with? The red flags were waving away from day one 😬

DatingDinosaur · 28/09/2024 23:52

Sorry but I think he's playing tit-for-tat. You didn't communicate so now he isn't.

Listen to your gut on this.

Franjipanl8r · 28/09/2024 23:18

You both sound really intense and controlling. Why would you send him a message telling him off? Can’t you just call him?

You don’t sound well suited, it shouldn’t be this hard only 10 dates in.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/09/2024 22:56

You are not desperate.

you can and will do better ! find your bar and raise it, now.

and he is in his 40's - WOW !

TemuSpecialBuy · 28/09/2024 22:49

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2024 17:24

You really really should want to stop seeing him op. You should have ran for the hills the first time he forbade you from not telling him what you are doing if you go for a few hours. That is controlling, and a mahousive red flag.

This in spades.

i read the first few sentences of your OP and was like no no no no noooooo

TheGreatIndoors · 28/09/2024 22:48

He sounds like a cunt.

But tbh if someone didn't see me two weekends in a row and cited a family emergency I'd assume I'm at least potentially getting played.

Bunnyhair · 28/09/2024 22:15

Messen · 28/09/2024 21:59

Who cares? The kind of person who suspects ulterior motives all the time when you’re dealing with hard family shit is not a keeper.

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Exacty! His paranoia is not her responsibility to deal with / manage / reassure, nor is it an excuse or justification for his sulking. If he has trust issues to this extent he has no business being in a relationship.

Imbusytodaysorry · 28/09/2024 22:12

@terryclothmum Another of the same kind of man on here.
OP it’s a game he is playing . This is your punishment for not being with him .

How dare you have a family emergency . He comes first he is most important.