Would you "settle" when it comes to a partner

I like to be my single friends' reason not to settle.

My DH is not wildly adventurous and I am, so I travel with my single, female friends. It's brilliant. For them; they have someone to do things with. For me; because I can travel to far flung places. For DH; because he doesn't have to. For my relationship; because we have something to talk about.

I think doing everything with a man is a bit strange anyway. We should have more balanced lives.

@Weekendsonly I remember that murder very well.

I ‘settled’. Don’t get me wrong, on a friendship level I’ve never had anyone who shared my likes and interests better. I could be wholly myself with them. But everything else was settling, putting up with and just generally conforming to what was expected. I will never ‘settle’ again, I’d sooner be alone (but I don’t get lonely easily).

I have done and we are now divorced. I won't be doing it again.

I think your friend is saying she likes him, but doesn't want to be tied down to him. A lot of older women had to deal with sexist views and expectations from family about serving your husband, doing chores, being a 'good wife' etc.

So when you're single later in life you don't want to be ironing some old geezers pants or being told to clean/what to do etc.

It's just a way of having a casual relationship I think. She might change her mind if she does meet someone really special but the older you get, the less likely you are to want to commit.

But companionship can take presidence over desire as well sometimes.

Yes, of course, no one’s perfect.
I don’t think people generally expect perfection.
‘Settling’ is more a sense of “he’ll do” rather than “oh I really want him!”

My SIL was very open to family about having a checklist for her second husband having had a 'love/lust at first sight' first marriage fail, and being in her 30's and wanting DC.
Her DH2 ticked her every box and they seemed to have 10 or so contented years with two DC. After that time the marriage began to fail and I think her DH wanted more of a 'couple' relationship as the DC got older, whereas SIL was happy to child rear together but not do things together that didn't involve the DC. They are now divorced but I don't think SIL regrets 'settling' as she got the DC she desired. Ex-BIL moved on and is now happily married but, things he has said since, seem to indicate he felt pretty hurt that SIL saw him as a financially reliable, non abusive sperm donor.
Personally I couldn't make marriage vows unless I meant them. By my 60's I hope I would be happy without having to lie to have a companion, obviously it is fine if both of you are happy with the arrangement.

Ooh I'm tending towards this view more and more. I'm just so happy with my life and am the sort of person who thrives single.

I guess. But no-one’s perfect are they? Everyone’s going to fall short in some way. I suppose it depends what you consider a significant flaw/a deal breaker

There is compromise in all human relationships no one is perfect. I think labelling it as settling is unhelpful.
Also physical spark might be less important to her at this point in her life

I think it depends on your definition of settling, but personally I'm in my forties and single and I have no plans to change this. It would take something extraordinary to persuade me to get into another relationship, I think I'm just happier on my own in general.

My interpretation of ‘settling’ is to decide to form a romantic relationship with someone who doesn’t really meet up to your expectations in some way- it could be there’s little or no attraction, or he’s a bit of a bore but financially secure, or he’s nice / kind / a good companion but not special.
That sort of thing.

I would say most people that want marriage and children probably settle out of fear of ending up childless and alone. I had no interest in marriage and children and loved being single. I met my partner at 43 and am with him because I love him not because I wanted a conventional life.

I've been in two relationships where I 'settled' and both completely killed my sex drive. I simply can't get it up for a nice guy who I don't fancy.

So now I would rather stay single than settle.

I'm mid-30s.

What does she mean by 'settling'?

That would be my question too.

I’m around the same age as the friend and would be even less inclined to ‘settle’ than I was in my 30s, and I didn’t ‘settle’ then either 🤷🏼‍♀️

My first thought when I saw this was Charlotte Lucas from Pride & Prejudice.

It's easy to rewrite history and say that you settled when at the time it had a lot going for it I think.

I do think divorces between people who fundamentally think they compromised too much can be the bitterest of all.

I do know a couple who I think both settled to some extent because they agreed they wanted to try and have a child above all, and they seem to have grown together and are very happy. It must help if you are nice people.

There are other issues in our relationship too. He takes absolutely no initiative with kids / house / his personal care and I find myself doing things I swore I never would like cleaning his shit off the toilet because he won’t use a toilet brush no matter how often he’s told. Reminding him to cut his toenails and he still doesn’t do it unless i sit him down and watch him. Tiny penis and is terrible at sex even if I did fancy him, and he cannot be taught. I’ve tried. It’s ridiculous.

At the same time, I can talk to him for hours and when he is out I look forward to him coming home. I never had that with any man in the past. Our sense of humour is identical too.

It really depends on what settling means. As long as I wasn’t turned off by them physically then I think I could settle if I thought they had potential to be a good partner. I made a lot of mistakes in my love life because I put sexual attraction (getting that ‘lovesick’ feeling) at the top of the list. That was a big mistake and something I would change if I could go back in time.

Just to add, it’s never actually going to happen as I am voluntarily staying single for the rest of my life now and very happy to do so (in my 60s). What I really need is a gay male best friend I can do all the things you can do with a partner except sex is not on the cards.

I settled and it’s a mixed bag. Been together over ten years now. On the one hand he is a much better companion than any man I actually fancied has ever been. We have lots in common and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him. I am not someone who can live alone or with someone I don’t really connect with so it works on that level.

However I truly am not attracted to him at all and actually repulsed by him. I used to love sex before I met him and now I dread it. Overall I think I’m more content than when I was single but it’s obviously not what I hoped for and the thought that my enjoyment of sex is over in my thirties (when I am still quite conventionally attractive too) is hard to accept.

Everyone settles to some extent.
Unless you believe you have one perfect soulmate out there somewhere, and then you believe you have found him. Which is clearly bollocks.
No one is perfect. Some people are great. There is something that could be bettered in every single prospective partner out there. And some fools reject great in the hope of perfect.

Nope. I'd rather be single than settle. I dont think thats very nice/respectful to the other person either- imagine how you'd feel knowing someone "settled" for you.

Yuck.

I dont get it really- why not just be friends with them? its not like you can only go abroad or spend time doing activities with only a romantic partner, you can do all those things with friends too if you get on well but there is no spark there.

I'm 61 and single. I can't imagine settling now.

Maybe when the race to have children was on, there was more of an excuse, but to spend my retirement years with someone who wasn't right - just no!

I have plenty of female friends who will be up for travelling.

I think a lot of people settle but manage to convince themselves otherwise.

Some people have an unhealthy idea of what a good relationship looks like. What some people view as ‘sparks’ and ‘passion’ is actually drama, jealousy and borderline red flags.

Love, respect, kindness, laughter, friendship and companionship - these values can be underrated by people caught up in a cycle of mistaking drama for love.