Would you "settle" when it comes to a partner

I considered it (30s, wanted kids but unlikely to happen now due to surprise medical issue). Glad I didn't. I had found a couple of potentials and they were kind, clever, successful, worked away sometimes. No click though. Maybe something minor that I found a bit off-putting. And that made me recoil actually more than a few several-daters with chemistry who turned out genuinely awful. Not that I would tolerate awful, but that's a clear 'no', I think settling seems logical but wouldn't be right for me longer term hence the stronger gut reaction telling me to leave it.

As a 60 year old wanting to travel and find companionship, why not? I don't see why they would need to combine finances or make a huge commitment as long as she's not expecting to pay for his travel too. She could have a series of nice boyfriends, or go on group trips and maybe meet someone away.

no i couldn't i tried but it wasn't for me
after leaving a very abusive relationship i met a lovely man kind considerate always telling me i looked lovely and would do anything i asked but ......
the sex was awful i didn't enjoy kissing him and he didn't brush his teeth unless i commented on his breath

i had to end it as i felt it was unfair to stay with him knowing how i felt
ive been single for 3 years now and i'm so happy and contented with my life i have no intention of being with anyone ever again
i'm 56 for me my family and friends are all i need

I can't actually think of anyone I know who settled to be honest and I only know about 2 people in my whole circle of friends, family etc who have ever been divorced. Most people seem happy with their partners as am I, together 28 years and still very much in love.

I think some people are just not relationship types, so any relationship they do have will leave them feeling dissatisfied.

I think it massively depends, as others have said, on what constitutes settling/a big compromise. How many compromises equal settling? Everyone's different.

After divorcing an appallingly abusive husband and approaching 50, my expectations when dating were extremely low in terms of wealth/gifts/holidays etc. But it was non-negotiable that anyone I met had to be good for my kids, kind, intelligent and solvent (not so that I would benefit from their money, but so that I wouldn't be bankrolling anyone - I was barely making ends meet by myself).

My now dh met nearly all my criteria and certainly all the important ones. He's incredibly kind, clever, funny, supportive, loving and I love him dearly. Sex is definitely a big area of compromise (but not due to lack of desire either way, which helps somehow and I'm hopeful we can improve on that as time goes on). Smaller ones are general domestic laziness and being a low earner with no financial security - he never bought a house but rented and travelled, but entirely valid choices for his life - he has no dc of his own and has always worked. He puts every penny he earns into the household funds and (exh doesn't pay any maintenance for the kids), he steps up and ensures he pays for anything that we as a family need, despite this leaving him short of funds for anything he might want. Are there things I'd change about him? Yes, and doubtless he'd say the same about me. Would I want anyone else? Nope. 100% looking forward to getting old with this one!

Same here.

I've done it twice and it's fine for years but eventually just becomes impossible to maintain. I'm newly single again at 39 and determined never to do it again!

I always think it's quite arrogant when people say they settled for their partner. Like they've put themselves on a level above them or something.

I've settled because I wanted to have kids. I don't regret it. Of course I wish I could have met someone who really loved me and me them. However the harsh reality is, some of us aren't particularly attractive and have personalities that aren't that great either. And we just aren't going to meet that person.

@ginasevern I'm in my 50s and still have three adventurous female single friends. Maybe I'm weird. Two that were never married (but had other relationships) and one who is recently divorced. My mum and I used to go and I'm preparing DD to travel with me. We've already done one trip together without DH.

I know, of course, that it's different to come home to someone. But I'm suggesting that women can support and travel together, regardless of relationship status. Men do it, after all. Bloody golf or football trips and all that cobblers.

if i was that age then id settle,

I've seen lots of compromise on ideals.

An instance I witnessed of proper settling was a woman who had a young daughter with a disability. I suppose you do what you need to for your kids.

No, I wouldn't. I make my own money, I have lots of friends and interests, I didn't want children in the abstract that much and principally had them because I had a partner I wanted them with specifically. The only thing I'd need a romantic partner for is sex, and I'd rather see people for sex casually and holiday with friends than hook up with someone I wasn't that into just to have someone. The only point of a partner would be that they actively enhanced my life, which they'd only do if I was genuinely into them.

Yes, same for me. I have 'settled' in the past, several times. The switch only fully switched off when I met my husband. I haven't settled.

Most women

I have considered settling but in all honesty all the men I met have turned out to have irredeemable qualities that I wouldn't settle for.

I think I know at least two people who were approaching the end of their fertile years, desperately wanted kids and sort of went "you'll do" They sort of hate eachother now the kids are here.

In the past, I wouldn't have but at nearly 60 I fear that 'settling' is something I'll end up doing (if I'm lucky enough to meet a decent man, these days).

That's how I know I've settled: when I have a crush on other men while in the relationship.

When I was head over heels in love in a past relationship (i.e. didn't settle), it's like other men became invisible to me. I couldn't begin to imagine desiring them in any way.

Everyone settles to some extent

I know what you mean in that no one is perfect but I don't think that's the same as settling.

For me, if you find yourself wishing your partner were different somehow, or regretting your choice or feeling disappointed, or looking at other people and wishing you were with someone bit more like that for whatever reason, I'd say you've settled.

Yes, but you have got someone to come home to and talk about your adventures with. That's one of the many differences between being married and living on your own. It also depends on your age. If you're in your 30's you will still have a lot of single female friends but, trust me, you won't by the time you're 60. Yes, you can holiday on your own but not everyone wants every single holiday on their own.

No.

That’s interesting. I wonder how society would look in the UK if both men and women didn’t need to be partnered up for financial security? Perhaps there would be a lot more single people?

And how would that affect society in turn? I guess we don’t know yet because until very recently women could not be educated or have property in their own name?

I settled twice- both times with men with whom I had a great friendship but little to no sexual desire.

The second 'settle' was better than the first, but still led to the same conclusion- that once the friendship part of the relationship was threatened (being taken for granted, being ignored etc) the relationship failed.

Now I'm with a man who I adore, with whom I have a great sex life and a fantastic friendship. If this relationship were to end I would never settle again. I now know how great a relationship can be and I wouldn't want a pale imitation; I'd rather stay single.

I have done that and am single now. Honestly I settled because all my friends were getting married, having kids etc. The biological clock was also ticking. I wouldn't do it again.