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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be home?

215 replies

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:06

Has already happened now so I guess more of a Was IBU...

My exdp and I share a young child. He's got no PR currently, we just have a loose arrangement between us for EOW at the moment.

He's quite demanding and nasty for context.

Recently I've had to swap a lot of "his" days for him as he's not been available on the agreed days. Fine.

Saw DC last weekend due to this. Seeing DC next weekend too.

This weekend is "his" weekend... but he said he wasn't available due to work hence the swaps.

He decided 2 days ago to text me and tell me that it's his weekend and a family member will come to collect our DC.

I queried this as we have already swapped around weekends as he said he was working, and this would mean I wouldn't get a weekend with child for 3 weeks in a row.

He told me it's too bad and X will be collecting child at a certain time today.

I've just gone out.

Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 28/09/2024 17:15

You need a proper arrangement and to stick to it - bearing in mind that he won’t. So if he doesn’t have her on his weekend he goes not get the next one he wants, just the next scheduled one.

And you do not have to entertain or allow in or hand over your child to a member of his family who has had a go at you. He needs to turn up.

In your shoes I would have gone out too.

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:10

moo899 · 28/09/2024 16:24

I'm being passive as I'm trying to stay calm and not bite with all his demanding and threatening messages.

He wants me to react emotionally and I'm trying my best not to

but it’s not a choice between passive and “reacting emotionally”

far from it

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 16:24

I'm being passive as I'm trying to stay calm and not bite with all his demanding and threatening messages.

He wants me to react emotionally and I'm trying my best not to

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 15:38

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:25

I also work and have to work around my child as a lone parent. He thinks his work and time is more important than mine.

I know I'm petty to have gone out and possibly made things worse, I don't know.

I don't want to end up in court.

op you’re not petty to have gone out

you are being passive

LostTheMarble · 28/09/2024 15:34

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:27

The family member he was sending round to collect my child is someone I've had problems with in the past, this person had a go while I was holding my baby and to be honest the thought of seeing them today and giving my child to them has made me anxious.

I know you don’t want to end up in court, but if this is the equivalent then maybe set boundaries is the best way forward. You shouldn’t have to face people who have been verbally abusive to you not put up with his flip flopping parenting. Does he pay CM?

theeyeofdoe · 28/09/2024 15:29

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:06

Has already happened now so I guess more of a Was IBU...

My exdp and I share a young child. He's got no PR currently, we just have a loose arrangement between us for EOW at the moment.

He's quite demanding and nasty for context.

Recently I've had to swap a lot of "his" days for him as he's not been available on the agreed days. Fine.

Saw DC last weekend due to this. Seeing DC next weekend too.

This weekend is "his" weekend... but he said he wasn't available due to work hence the swaps.

He decided 2 days ago to text me and tell me that it's his weekend and a family member will come to collect our DC.

I queried this as we have already swapped around weekends as he said he was working, and this would mean I wouldn't get a weekend with child for 3 weeks in a row.

He told me it's too bad and X will be collecting child at a certain time today.

I've just gone out.

Have I been unreasonable?

Just say no. (But make sure you screen shot the messages about him not being available first).

then say that there will be no more swapping after this.

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:27

The family member he was sending round to collect my child is someone I've had problems with in the past, this person had a go while I was holding my baby and to be honest the thought of seeing them today and giving my child to them has made me anxious.

OP posts:
Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:25

I also work and have to work around my child as a lone parent. He thinks his work and time is more important than mine.

I know I'm petty to have gone out and possibly made things worse, I don't know.

I don't want to end up in court.

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 15:20

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:13

I totally agree my child needs routine, that's what I've asked for but he's so no committal due to work.

And seems he expects flexibility when it suits him.

I don't see it as fair when I do all the hard work all week with a toddler and working to then not be able to have a weekend with them.

so you know the long and short of him

and yet you continue to hope he will change

he won’t. So you are going to have progress OP, for your child’s sake. This is horribly unfair on your child and YOU must advocate for them

ChristmasFluff · 28/09/2024 15:19

Yup, if he's on the birth certificate I'd be going for a court order.

If he's not on the birth certificate I'd be stopping contact until he proves paternity and takes me to court - with full records and text/email evidence of what a crap father he's been so far.

WinterisComing95 · 28/09/2024 15:16

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:13

I totally agree my child needs routine, that's what I've asked for but he's so no committal due to work.

And seems he expects flexibility when it suits him.

I don't see it as fair when I do all the hard work all week with a toddler and working to then not be able to have a weekend with them.

If that’s the case it might be a courtroom issue for a plan legally being put in place. It can’t force him to have DC on his time but it can protect your own time with them. I had to do a similar thing with my DD’s father because it’s unfair for the children to never know if they are coming and going. X

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:13

I totally agree my child needs routine, that's what I've asked for but he's so no committal due to work.

And seems he expects flexibility when it suits him.

I don't see it as fair when I do all the hard work all week with a toddler and working to then not be able to have a weekend with them.

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 15:10

stop this “loose arrangement”

sounds hell ish for your child to have this uncertain back and forth

WinterisComing95 · 28/09/2024 15:09

YANBU but you would be if you allowed this to continue. Your child needs stability and a proper routine in place.

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 15:08

not at all

but i can’t help but really feel sorry for the poor child stuck on this shit show