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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be home?

215 replies

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:06

Has already happened now so I guess more of a Was IBU...

My exdp and I share a young child. He's got no PR currently, we just have a loose arrangement between us for EOW at the moment.

He's quite demanding and nasty for context.

Recently I've had to swap a lot of "his" days for him as he's not been available on the agreed days. Fine.

Saw DC last weekend due to this. Seeing DC next weekend too.

This weekend is "his" weekend... but he said he wasn't available due to work hence the swaps.

He decided 2 days ago to text me and tell me that it's his weekend and a family member will come to collect our DC.

I queried this as we have already swapped around weekends as he said he was working, and this would mean I wouldn't get a weekend with child for 3 weeks in a row.

He told me it's too bad and X will be collecting child at a certain time today.

I've just gone out.

Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
moo899 · 29/09/2024 09:09

Pussycat22 · 29/09/2024 09:07

Not suggesting you do this, but personally I'd call his bluff and take it to court. Then he can't keep threatening you and holding you to ransom. I feel so angry for you.

I did see a solicitor at one point. But everyone I speak to just says to let him carry on, as it's his job to take it to court not mine as he doesn't even have PR.

OP posts:
Original poster
moo899 · 29/09/2024 09:08

I feel like it all is a bit of a game and power on his part.

He's said before that I've been rude and nasty to him at collections but I never have been, I've always been civil and polite to him, asking if they've had a good day together etc.

But it makes me question my own reality.

He has also made out I am totally out of line for not being at home when his relatives have shown up, however I never agreed to the day so I'm not sure what he was thinking getting them to drive over.

But it will be used against me I'm sure.

OP posts:
Pussycat22 · 29/09/2024 09:07

Not suggesting you do this, but personally I'd call his bluff and take it to court. Then he can't keep threatening you and holding you to ransom. I feel so angry for you.

Pussycat22 · 29/09/2024 09:01

He's playing you and trying to make your life miserable ( and succeeding).Go through the proper channels and get it formalised. He'll have to stick to it then . Keep a diary of times and incidents. Good luck.x

Laszlomydarling · 29/09/2024 08:56

I would send a message today stating all communication in writing from now on (text/WhatsApp/email) and never answer the phone again.

This is what I did. And I always had proof of what had been arranged. It helped somewhat. Obviously he'll still try to bully you, but you'll know exactly what was said and when it was said.

Saying 'you'll regret this' is a threat. I'd consider speaking to the police yourself.

MSLRT · 29/09/2024 08:55

moo899 · 29/09/2024 08:51

Well it wasn't him collecting, it was a family member.

He called repeatedly (I didn't answer).

Text to say I was going to regret this

Some other texts

And also text to say he was calling the police

Show quote history

Let him crack on. Not sure what the police would do - no crime has been committed. Good for you.

Original poster
moo899 · 29/09/2024 08:51

MSLRT · 29/09/2024 08:46

What was his reaction when you weren’t at home?

Well it wasn't him collecting, it was a family member.

He called repeatedly (I didn't answer).

Text to say I was going to regret this

Some other texts

And also text to say he was calling the police

OP posts:
MSLRT · 29/09/2024 08:46

What was his reaction when you weren’t at home?

Original poster
moo899 · 29/09/2024 08:38

That's a fair point.

I think I've been trying to be reasonable so far as I'm conscious if I don't agree to what he wants then he may take it to court.

OP posts:
JumperStripes · 28/09/2024 19:38

moo899 · 28/09/2024 19:29

@JumperStripes I don't want to give him ideas about getting PR... because he seems oblivious at the moment

Sorry, I didn’t mean to suggest you do that at all. Just give him the contact days that suit you and it’s up to him to sort out otherwise.

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 19:29

@JumperStripes I don't want to give him ideas about getting PR... because he seems oblivious at the moment

OP posts:
JumperStripes · 28/09/2024 19:20

moo899 · 28/09/2024 17:57

He didn't want to be.

He then denied our child was his and a DNA test was done through CMS.

Show quote history

Then I would set the days for him to have access and if isn’t able to uphold those, then he will need to go to court to get it changed and get PR.

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/09/2024 18:44

Do you really think things would be worse if he did go to court?

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 18:01

Laszlomydarling · 28/09/2024 17:47

You've done the right thing. No more swaps. If he cancels his weekend, he just gets the next scheduled one, he can't demand your weekend. I hope you managed to have a nice time out and about with your child.

My ex is like this. It's very hard to not give in to them for an easy life or to avoid court. However, I don't think Dads like this tend to end up going to court. They believe everything and everyone should drop everything because they say so. They don't want to fight or work for anything.

This is a good way to approach it. I think I'm just too soft sometimes.

I also know if he's not available if I say strictly his weekend or none if he's not available he'll just send someone else to collect and have someone else look after my child which I really don't want, they're only young. I feel better if it's him.

We did have a lovely day thank you for asking, one of the best we've had in a while!

OP posts:
Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 17:57

JumperStripes · 28/09/2024 17:53

Why doesn’t he have PR? Did he not want to be on the birth certificate?

He didn't want to be.

He then denied our child was his and a DNA test was done through CMS.

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 28/09/2024 17:55

moo899 · 28/09/2024 17:44

He has threatened court before, and said he wants 50/50.

But I think the only way he'd manage this or close to this is to have every weekend, or Thurs-Mon.

So I think I'm subconsciously aware that he may be trying to establish this as the status quo (from what I've read if things are established already and child used to that the court will likely keep it that way!).

He can't manage EOw due to work. Let him take you to court for 50/50. He'll have to manage work and child then and pay childcare.

But until then put in writing to him (email is best and to set up a specific email just for contacting him) sustains that it's detrimental to your child's well-being for contact to be changed so much. So you will agree to the current arrangement of EOw starting from 5/10/24. And that if he needs to arrange alternatives if he is working like you have to when you work.

JumperStripes · 28/09/2024 17:53

Why doesn’t he have PR? Did he not want to be on the birth certificate?

13Ghosts · 28/09/2024 17:49

moo899 · 28/09/2024 16:24

I'm being passive as I'm trying to stay calm and not bite with all his demanding and threatening messages.

He wants me to react emotionally and I'm trying my best not to

You did the best thing possible in light of your posts. You removed your child from a situation that could have become heated.

If he doesn't have any PR and isn't paying anything, stop changing things for him. If you want your child to see him, stick to agreed weekends. He can't do them, he misses that weekend. You are protecting your child, he's messing you around because you are letting him.

Laszlomydarling · 28/09/2024 17:47

You've done the right thing. No more swaps. If he cancels his weekend, he just gets the next scheduled one, he can't demand your weekend. I hope you managed to have a nice time out and about with your child.

My ex is like this. It's very hard to not give in to them for an easy life or to avoid court. However, I don't think Dads like this tend to end up going to court. They believe everything and everyone should drop everything because they say so. They don't want to fight or work for anything.

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:46

This isn’t going to improve with time
Ball is in your court

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 17:44

He has threatened court before, and said he wants 50/50.

But I think the only way he'd manage this or close to this is to have every weekend, or Thurs-Mon.

So I think I'm subconsciously aware that he may be trying to establish this as the status quo (from what I've read if things are established already and child used to that the court will likely keep it that way!).

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:43

your version of “accommodating” is allowing him to rule the roost

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:43

OP

you being “accommodating” has not benefited you and more importantly, has not benefited your son.

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 17:40

Yes EOW is every other weekend.

This is the thing I've tried being accommodating because I'm trying to act in the best interests of my child, which I think the way the law sees it is to see their Dad?

But then when he messes the weekends around it's like a power move almost to demand "his" weekend still?

But if we go by that then I never get any quality time.

And he thinks I should hand over to whoever he sends, he's barely ever available.

OP posts:
roseymoira · 28/09/2024 17:36

What is EOW? End of week or every other week?

If it's end of week, it can't be right that you never get any downtime with your child.

As he doesn't have PR, work out a schedule that works for you. If he hasn't available to have the child, fine the child stays at home with you.

Let him take you to court if he wants to be demanding, but I doubt he will bother by the sound of him