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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be home?

215 replies

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:06

Has already happened now so I guess more of a Was IBU...

My exdp and I share a young child. He's got no PR currently, we just have a loose arrangement between us for EOW at the moment.

He's quite demanding and nasty for context.

Recently I've had to swap a lot of "his" days for him as he's not been available on the agreed days. Fine.

Saw DC last weekend due to this. Seeing DC next weekend too.

This weekend is "his" weekend... but he said he wasn't available due to work hence the swaps.

He decided 2 days ago to text me and tell me that it's his weekend and a family member will come to collect our DC.

I queried this as we have already swapped around weekends as he said he was working, and this would mean I wouldn't get a weekend with child for 3 weeks in a row.

He told me it's too bad and X will be collecting child at a certain time today.

I've just gone out.

Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
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Whatsappweirdo · 29/01/2026 22:50

How are things now @moo899 hope you’re ok! X

GabriellaMontez · 07/10/2024 12:16

I agree with you.

You're poised to act when necessary.

He's on the back foot and he doesn't even know it. When he does, he'll have some catching up to do.

If this can get dragged out until your dc starts school or pre school.... that would be even better.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 06/10/2024 23:04

moo899 · 06/10/2024 21:14

I appreciate everyone's advice, a few different opinions floating around.

I understand those saying I should take the first step and take control to sort it.

At the moment I feel like I do retain some control over the situation by default due to him not realising the implications of his lack of PR and that current contact is done by my goodwill.

Yes I could sort it, but why am I doing the work for him? Why should I hand it to him on a plate. He's a useless, selfish man...

I do everything already, why am I going to do this and make it easier for him.

I already have a solicitor, who I've seen for advice and she would be ready to act should I need to.

Good for you and good luck.
Keep us updated won’t you?

Original poster
moo899 · 06/10/2024 21:14

I appreciate everyone's advice, a few different opinions floating around.

I understand those saying I should take the first step and take control to sort it.

At the moment I feel like I do retain some control over the situation by default due to him not realising the implications of his lack of PR and that current contact is done by my goodwill.

Yes I could sort it, but why am I doing the work for him? Why should I hand it to him on a plate. He's a useless, selfish man...

I do everything already, why am I going to do this and make it easier for him.

I already have a solicitor, who I've seen for advice and she would be ready to act should I need to.

OP posts:
MusicMakesItAllBetter · 06/10/2024 17:49

Also, I’m sure no solicitor would be saying to their client, tell the mother of your child blah blah blah
Plus the nasty messages, he’s digging himself a bigger hole. Don’t delete anything. You’ve got this x

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 06/10/2024 17:46

No, you’re the primary parent and you are doing what’s best for your child given the circumstances stated.
Of course they’re not going to say it or see it like that but that’s because they’re a bunch of wrongens by the sound of things.

Mate, do it professionally from now on.
His threats are just air.
If he’s not got any PR, is he on the birth certificate because if he’s not then he doesn’t really have a leg to stand on does he?

secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 15:04

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Original poster
moo899 · 05/10/2024 14:55

3 months

I'll leave the PR for him to work out/apply for as that's up to him surely, why would I give him ideas?

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secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 14:49

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DjCatnip · 05/10/2024 14:37

I don't have advice but your ex is uncannily similar to mine, down to the threats of solicitors and calling the Police when I refused to give up my weekend and dared to go out.
You are currently holding all the cards, and if I were you I'd move far, far away and not tell him where.

Original poster
moo899 · 05/10/2024 14:36

I have a ring doorbell.

Past incidents (dv) have been reported to police in past but I didn't pursue further.

OP posts:
Original poster
moo899 · 05/10/2024 14:27

I was trying not to be outing, don't want to say exact age. Under 2.

He hasn't got PR. Heard nothing about it.

I'm not stopping contact with family members, but that's for him to organise his time.

He has collected dc today as arranged

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secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 14:14

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secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 14:13

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secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 14:11

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secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 14:08

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secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 14:04

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Stath · 05/10/2024 14:02

I'd also be getting a Ring/video doorbell too as you said he's been horrible during handovers plus it'd give you some peace of mind.

Original poster
moo899 · 05/10/2024 13:07

I've said previously the child is under 3.

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secondchancesat · 05/10/2024 12:57

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GabriellaMontez · 05/10/2024 12:55

You lnow he's not got a lawyer don't you?

He's trying to frighten you. He sounds like a bully.

He's probably been on the father's for justice website or something.

AlertCat · 05/10/2024 12:18

moo899 · 05/10/2024 12:14

Thing is, it is his choice. He has no ties to the place he lives, he doesn't work there, he has no other children, financially stable, he's free to move closer to his dc if the travel is an issue for him. But this is where they live and always have. Settled in their home life and nursery, activities.
I already do 99% of the parenting and he's already moaning and acting hard done by to do this drive to see them.
The audacity

The parent who chooses to move away is generally held responsible for travel costs and driving for parental contact.
edit: so don’t allow him to set a precedent where you share this burden.

Original poster
moo899 · 05/10/2024 12:15

Not saying moving isn't a big thing of course it is. But it's not my issue which he's trying to make it. I'd totally get it if I'd moved away from him with dc but I haven't

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Original poster
moo899 · 05/10/2024 12:14

Thing is, it is his choice. He has no ties to the place he lives, he doesn't work there, he has no other children, financially stable, he's free to move closer to his dc if the travel is an issue for him. But this is where they live and always have. Settled in their home life and nursery, activities.
I already do 99% of the parenting and he's already moaning and acting hard done by to do this drive to see them.
The audacity

OP posts:
AlertCat · 05/10/2024 11:52

Www.rights of women.org.uk

are awesome. Free helpline staffed by family law barristers and solicitors.

agree, not to get drawn into a discussion nor to allow any precedent to be set that you don’t want to become routine. The harder he has to work to see your dc the better. Stick to your guns. 💪

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