NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

Leave it, it's your sons, decision.

At 15 I don't think this is your decision, your son should choose. He is developed enough to make his own choices and he should.

Too late, my dear. 15 year old boys want to be their own man and won't allow anyone dictating them

But he isn't making an informed decision. He's been kept from the truth by his parents and instead is being swayed by his DGM's manipulation. Correct the first so that he can assess the second. Then he is able to choose based on the facts.

I would tell your son the details. All of them, including the vile comment about your DD.

Then let him choose what to do. He will see them for who they are in time.

Plus you may very well find they'll lose interest in him when the sense of getting one up on you by sneaking is removed

Too late, my dear. 15 year old boys want to be their own man and won't allow anyone dictating them

At 15 I don't think this is your decision, your son should choose. He is developed enough to make his own choices and he should.

If they display what you think they will it's likely your son will reject them anyway. It won't be the first time he will have heard people have those views, you can't catch views from someone.

If something happens to his grandparents and you have blocked him, it's likely to spiral into more drama and upset.

He's worried about upsetting them, she does sound very emotionally manipulative. If he decides not to see them, he might need to get some help with strategies like grey rock, healthy assertiveness. He's been co-opted into their drama triangle.

When we spoke to him about it he said his DGM asks to see him more because she is "so sad that your mum and dad are stopping us from seeing you" and "seeing him makes them so happy" etc.

When you explain the reasons for NC, make it clear that that's why DGM is doing what she is. To get back at you and DH. Not that she's genuinely bothered about seeing him when she was so unbothered before. Point out the manipulation in telling him it's secret.

Tell him if, after all that, he still wants to see her he can. But he must not lie to you.

Did you miss what he called his granddaughter?

Thank you.

At 70 I don't know anyone who speaks like that.

And it's a very good reason to keep their children away from people like that

Out of interest, @AlliBali how old are they?

No idea why my last comment is hidden it never even posted just became hidden the second I pressed “post” just in case anyone thinks I trying to start a bun fight and derail the thread!

I would sit him down and explain that you thought he was too young to be told all the details, but now that this is happening he should know and form his own (informed) opinion. Give it all factual and unemotional. Then tell him it's his choice whether he keeps seeing them, with no pressure and expectations, but that you want to know when he sees them, if he does, and as his parent you need to know where he is.

Then let him make his choices.

I can totally see why you want to keep him as far away from them as possible, but at his age you need to thread carefully.

You've already handled this badly. You've made it forbidden fruit so it's interesting now.

You should have told him it was ok, that you choose not to have contact but he's almost an adult now and can start to make his mind up for himself.

You could then have explained the reasons you don't have contact, explained how they were with you and his sister. That way he has all the facts.

The way you've gone about this has peaked his interest and given your MIL the one upmanship she wants. Row back, tell him you were wrong, it's his choice and give him all the facts

it’s certain twats within each generation

but it’s not “generational”

but op has only been NC for a year

i can’t fathom how the DS seemingly has no idea of his GPs profoundly offensive and cruel views unless his mother tells him now

Honestly Alli I think its a generational thing. My parents and DH's parents have some bad attitudes about mental health and say some stuffy politically incorrect things like "coloured people" and "halfcaste" but we just shrug it off, because we know any chance of trying to correct them would result in huger arguments and its not worth it, especially becuase they dont dislike people of other races. It was okay in their time but not anymore.

I understand why you dont like this i wouldnt either, but to stop your children from seeing their grandparents because of this is drastic. And frankly unfair to the children.

My bet is that they're keeping him sweet with the money, and behaving like angels around him with no bigoted words, so when you raise it with him, he will be able to say he's never heard them say anything like that. It's almost textbook manipulation.

One thing we did was give him time to digest all the facts before we then talked more about him not having contact in the future. It might be something you need to talk about a few times to help him process it. Even now DS will still occasionally bring it up, more out of sadness for the way it turned out rather than being upset he can’t see them.

I'd sit your son down and ask him what he would think of anyone who said anything nasty about his sister and he overheard them? What if it was one of his school mates that said something? Would he want to maintain that friendship regardless? Then explain that his grandparents said something terrible about their own grandchild and his sister and while he was younger you tried to explain this to him in terms he could understand, however as he is older and feels able to go behind your back in order to meet up with his grandparents, you feel that he should be made aware of the real reason you have cut off your own parents (stress that they are your parents/in-laws that you're cutting off, not just his grandparents) and why.

Tell him that you cannot stop him meeting with them but you really would prefer it if he didn't sneak about any more and if he wants to see them after learning what he has about them, then that is his decision but you're not happy about it.

so you think that your DS has no idea that his GPs are rabid racists, homophobic, sexist and all the rest?

As it should

You're going to have to stop shielding him if you want him to make an informed decision

Are all his friends white? (thinking of their racism)