NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

I'm sure the daughter about whom they used a disgusting ableist slur would like to have a grandparental relationship too.

OP will have a better view of the lie of the land once she has explained that little gem to her son. Because if he still wants to see them knowing that, there are other discussions to be had.

They've also been giving him £20 here and there

Ha. Yeah, I bet they have. I was going to ask but you answered this anyway.

Even if the in-laws are unsavoury people, I really think your DS should be allowed to decide whether he sees them or not. We are all flawed. A relationship with a grandparent can be a very enriching thing.

I actually think you de need to tell him exactly why you finally went NC.

In fact his father should as it's his parents.

Then say he's 15yo and old enough to make his own decisions but you do t want him lying to you about where he's going.

And make it damned clear if he's heard repeating anything or saying anything like they have they'll be severe consequences for him.

He's old enough now to accept the consequences of his own actions and therefore old enough to know the truth of the consequences to his GPs actions.

He needs the whole truth to make his own decisions.

And all of the talk of coercive control by the GP’s…real overreaction to dealing with something that a 15 year old can understand.

Could it be that as part of the same family, that they love each other….

He's 15, he's old enough to decide who he can and can't see. He's also old enough to be told why you're NC. If theyre as nasty as your saying he won't want contact for long.

Atm your making them look like victims in his eyes by resricting him, let him know what they're like and he'll realise that they're not worth his time.

Tell him the history

Say he’s free to see his GPs if he still wants to

but he is NOT to accept money in exchange for visits

and i guarantee he won’t see them

He’s not bothered about seeing his GPs with whom he’s never been remotely close to

He wants the money

this. Have this conversation with your DS very very clearly.

Tell him that there is a reason you have been NC with his father's parents, and tell him why if he asks.He must be honest with you about where he is going. Not necessarily because you can really ban him from seeing anyone but because lying about where he is is a dangerous precedent to set .(newsflash for MIL though: grandparents have zero rights, except in very narrow specific circs, over access to grandkids)

But I'd be clear that i was furious with him and them for lying to you, especially with them, and i would not lift the slightest finger to facilitate contact etc.

Be prepared for him to still want to see his grandparents even after you tell him the truth about them. From his perspective, they haven't actually done anything to harm him. He hasn't witnessed anything bad. He hasn't been affected by their behaviour. He is not going to feel the same about them as you do. If you react negatively towards him for this, it will only damage your relationship with him and strengthen his with them. Do explain to him the reasons why you and DH chose to go NC, but then accept that he might still want to have a relationship with them.

I think you need to have a (series of) careful chat(s) with your son about this. The important things to me would be that you need to know where he is (particularly now he’s older and has more freedom to get himself around) and you don’t want to be keeping secrets from each other. That’s the non-negotiable part.

Then, as others have suggested, say that when he was younger he needed to trust you’d made the right decision about NC. Now he’s older, he can make that decision himself. Tell him why you went NC, including their comments about his sister. You might point out that they haven’t got back in contact with her… He is old enough to choose his own friends and start to have a say in who he spends time with. And just like you might say if you think a new friend doesn’t seem very nice, you’re saying you don’t think his grandparents are nice people. It’s still up to him if he wants to see them.

Let him think about it. Then if he still wants to meet up, let him (it’s well within normal family relations for a teen to have “elderly” relatives - and 70+ will be ancient to a teen! - where they put up with some occasional racist comments for a family connection and the odd tenner).

It will probably boil your PILs’ piss if you cooperate, drop him off, pick him up, discuss what they do/say with him on the way home. Stay NC yourself but don’t engage in a petty war over who your 15yo can speak to.

@AlliBali
Unfortunately its far to late to tell him no. That ship has already sailed.

I see that you chosen not to punish him, that is good, so is the fact that you have accepted responsibility for your part in that. as any punishment could be push him closer to them.

I also see that he has not had regular contact with them at any point so it is possible that he has not yet seen their behaviour.

All you can do is tell him the truth and take him to see them when he asks and support your DS.
Given their past behaviour it won't be long before they show him who they really are.

@rrrrrreatt said it better than me. I hadn't seen their post when I wrote mine. But yes, that.

I think he needs to know what his Grandfather said about his disabled sister, frankly. It's grim, and I hope he'll keep it from his sister, but it's the one thing that would really justify you going NC.

A 15 year old might make excuses for their racist talk, ' they don't really mean it'. But surely he wouldn't forgive them that.

But also he should know why his parents dont want a relationship with them.

The best path IMO is to allow him to see them as he's 15 and is making that choice, but don't make him feel he has to keep it a secret. Go along with it, let him know he's doesn't have to sneak around, let him talk about it, and that way, if anything genuinely concerning about their meetings arises, you are more likely to know about it if he can speak freely to you. If not, you have no chance of knowing anything that's happening.

They don't sound like nice people, but your son has the right to make these decisions.

We have gone NC for periods of time with SIL (MH issues and a tendency towards very toxic behaviour) but we have always facilitated her having contact with my SD. It's more tricky if your child is too young to communicate without your involvement and I wouldn't expect you to go out of your way to connect him with them but he's 15 and his relationship with them is independent of you.

This.

If a 15 yr old wants to see his grandparents, he should be able to.

I would start by telling your son this and explaining you didn’t tell him or his sister this because, it’s so disgusting and hurtful, you wanted to protect them.

My partners grandparents are late 80s and hold similar views to your PILs, we tolerate this and just politely correct them because they’re ignorant but not malicious or unkind. Your son may try to do the same if he thinks this is about racism or outdated views but no one could think saying that about his sister is forgivable/tolerable.

I think it is entirely possible that a 15 year old knows his grandparents have some questionable beliefs but put it down to their age. Your DS doesn't know fully the disgusting things they have said because you have (naturally) protected him. The important thing to emphasise is that encouraging him to lie to you is wrong.

Tell him why you went NC, say how hurt and upset you were because of your DD and that's why you didn't give him details before. If he wants to keep in touch, and meet up, then he can (you should even facilitate) but you don't want it to be a secret. It's quite likely he won't carry on. Or he will challenge them and they'll deny it. The novelty of a clandestine relationship will fade quickly for both sides when it's no longer a secret.

The fact that it will upset him and possibly hurt his feelings is the reason you really need to tell him that part too. First, he has a right to know it all. If he doesn't know it all, he is open to his ghastly grandparent's influence, and I am betting they are using him to get back at you all. Hence, the "keeping secrets". Second, anyone, no matter who they are in relation to your family should never, ever be able to get away with the horribly unkind and outright nasty comments about your DD and his dear sister. That is not having "old-fashioned" views. That is having hateful and ableist views and should never be excused away for any reason.

The fact that they do, indeed, bribe your son to keep in contact with them is loathsome in itself. They are two horrid, nasty pieces of work, and bravo to you and BIL/SIL for going NC.

You have done your son a huge disservice by expecting him to go NC with his GPs without knowing why! You made him vulnerable to manipulation by doing this. I think you need to acknowledge this and apologise to him if you want him to be sympathetic to your position.

Even now you are considering hiding from them what they said about his sister. He is old enough to hear it. He is also entitled to a relationship with his GPs, if he chooses.

I'm no contact with my mum but my son still visits her. If she treats your son well and you aren't worried about her being abusive to him let him make his own decisions.
I hate it when my son visits my mum but it's none of my business anymore.

Disagree

I'm sorry your in laws sound horrible but your son is 15 and old enough to make his own mind up. He is bound to he curious about people who are very close relatives.