NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

I would also find all those words very much unacceptable but I would be on damage limitation mode, and telling him what to do won’t limit damage

I think that you have to accept he’s old enough to make decisions for himself, but make sure he has the information about why you’re NC. Tell him calmly and factually. Then he can make an informed decision.

But that word was acceptable in their time but isnt now. Its a horrible word to use but it was most likely used out of ignorance than malice.

WTF?

I'm their age, and I don't know a single person of our generation who would use that word. It was always a slur (though the word spastic was still acceptable in medical terms when I was very young). My mum would have been furious if I'd every used it. Now it's appalling, and everyone knows that.

I would never, ever forgive any relative who used that word about my child.

I absolutely would tell DS that they referred to his sister in such a disgusting way. He needs to understand why you have made the decision you have and at 15 is old enough to understand.

In fairness, that is normal for grandparents. They always give their grandkids pocket money when they visit. I doubt he goes every week.

Even when it was an “acceptable” slur, it was always a slur. No one would affectionately refer to someone with cerebral palsy that way. When someone in the playground said someone else was being “sp*zzy” they didn’t mean anything nice.

It’s absolutely not the same as (back in the day) an older person not realising that “coloured” was not the right term any more. If the GPs had ignorantly but neutrally used the term “spastic”, then they could probably be educated out of it. But they didn’t.

That word hasn't been acceptable for decades. It was used in playgrounds in the 1970s. It has never been an acceptable word to use about your own grand-daughter. It is an ableist slur. There is no way that the use of this word could be put in a good light. From information provided by the OP, it seems that they are ignorant but also malicious.

I would hate my child to be around that sort of talk. Children will encounter it but Heaven forbid they should hear it at home or from close relatives (I mean 'close' in the biological sense).

My late husband had a business colleague who was like that, years ago (mid to late1980s).; he had previously been a policeman for many years, sergeant in CID. My son was about 8 I think. He often came round to us and would start to sound off, thinking we might agree with him I suppose (they often do make that assumption). I told him quite clearly he had to park his views at the door because it was inappropriate to use that sort of language in front of a child.

I do wonder how much notice children really take of the opinions of grandparents. My son loved his on both sides and had fun with them but never appeared to be influenced by them. Sometimes he would tell me something grandma or granddad said, laughingly. It seemed like water off a duck's back.

However I understand how you feel.

The fact is, you can tell your son what they are like, things they said, etc, which caused you to break off communication but you can't really stop him seeing them if he wants to. That would be unfair. He has to make up his own mind. They may keep their tongues in check while he is around, who knows.

Your boy has good parents whose love and care for him which will be far more important in how turns out.

Someone up thread mentioned them giving him money. Grandparents always give their grandchildren pocket money, don't worry about that as long as it isn't lots of money.

Good luck.

I think some posters are thinking of what 60/70 year olds were like when they were children - our grandparents' generation. 60/70 years olds now were young adults in the 1970s and 1980s. They aren't an ignorant generation.

and that’s lovely

but not the case with this boy. His motivation will be the pound sign i suspect

NannyOgg, that's a good question. I am 74 and belong to a couple of nostalgic Birtain groups and Tommy Robinson and Farge type supporters flood the threads with horrible, pointless comments, are rude and, often, semi-literate. I was more of the type you described and wonder where they are all coming from! It's horrible; a reasonable, moderate person can hardly get a word in edgeways. Discussion is stifled.

Interesting though :).

I don't know in what age bracket TR and-his-ilk supporters are, dread to think it might be mine. Surely not. Are there stats? I'm scared to look.

I did not. But that word was acceptable in their time but isnt now. Its a horrible word to use but it was most likely used out of ignorance than malice.

OP shouldve told them off and educated them rather than go straight to burning bridges and playing the "you cant see them anymore" card

Oh I do, Six teen and older sons between my partner and I.

They all love their grandparents, all sides of the family.

They visit regularly. They listen and challenge them when they have to. They share interests and like spending time together.

Thank you

What's the average age of a Tommy Robinson supporter?

I would agree with this too. They give him money so he is happy to go, they get to "win" one over on the OP. Its a transaction, they are happy to pay to win, he doesnt know or care what its about as long as he gets the cash. No love involved here.

No there fucking isn't!

I agree. My parents are the IL's age and are nothing like this.

ETA - musing further and have realised that the people I have met who are like this are invariably younger, more my age so 40'/50's.

I really think you should tell your son what they called your DD. My son has cerebal palsy and if anyone called him that word then his siblings would immediately close ranks and want nothing to do with the person/people who said it.

I feel your pain, its a disgusting thing to say at all but about your own grandchild?!

Exactly, my parents are 77, protested a lot in their youth, and are not racist or ablist. But then they were at university in the late 60s, as you say.

My PiL was fine, 80, but since his wife's death has latched onto GB news, voted Reform and frankly is not someone I want to spend any time around these days. Dp is doing his best to point out that it's not ok while still having his own grief and accepting his father's.

But it's not a generational thing by any shot.

He's 15. I disagree with this notion that we should stop having relationships with people who have abhorrent views, there is more strength in letting them realise for themselves what kind of people they are.

You can tell him about them, but the more you say you don't want him to see them, the greater the desire will be, because teenagers don't like, and shouldn't be told who they are and aren't allowed to have relationships with. And the reality is that they might actually love each other, and he's entitled to that.

The more you push back against this, the more likely it is that you will be the one who looses out.

Those saying the grandparents views are of their age, that's rubbish, today's 70 plus year olds were the 60/ 70s hippys, the greenham common protesters, the civil rights protesters, anti- apartheid campaigner, women's rights protesters...the ones who had abhorrent views knew even then what they were saying was wrong. Today's racists cover all ages.

A 15 year old will know those views exist, social media is awash with it.

The in-laws sound very unpleasant, but your son is old enough to have his own friendships, some of which might be with people you don't approve of.

You need to tell him what they said.

I don't know how you've never had conversations with your DS about their views.

You have to look a bit at your own actions here. Hiding your DS from stuff hasn't helped.

nah, unlikely

you don’t know 15 year old boys do you
he barely knows his GPs
they live half an hour away
they have previously been utterly disinterested in him

He’s seeing the pound signs

All this and you don't know what the GP's have said to the DS.

At the moment all you are doing is providing a way for the OP to force her DS in to the GP's waiting hands.