NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

Agree with you , @Nextdoor55 - I too have noticed this bizarre trend for ''No contact'' , but only on Mumsnet.

Possibly ''social contagion?''

It seems very passive aggressive, and can backfire if others are coerced into going no contact.

Years ago we knew a man who had had a 3 yr old daughter that her mother forbade him to see.

Birthday Cards, presents, everything was returned.

He was absolutely floored -{don't know why there was no legal way for him to see his daughter, but there wasn't}

When she became a teenager, she actively sought him out, and they get on really well and see each other a lot.

It was so cruel to deprive a child of her other parent for those intervening years.

If you're right, he will find out for himself, if you stop him from seeing them he will resent you for it.
As a sidenote no contact seems very trendy at the moment with lots of people doing this, it's not healthy & pretty toxic

What a miserable way to live. Surely there’s a way for everyone to sit down and talk about this.

How did the talk go OP?

Ar 15 he's still young enough to be manipulated by these people - those voting YABU have you actually read the thread and what they'd said, for example, about the boy's sister? Yet he still wants to play happy families with them? I think this is 15 year old ripe to be exploited.

Nope. Punishment for seeing his GP will just alienate him.

I would personally punish him for lying to you and sneaking around, taking away his phone for a phew weeks or something along those lines. Explain to him the dangers of meeting anyone in secret - even those he believes to be well meaning (ie grandparents) - and explain that his GP are not the nice people they pretend to be. He can see them but he must be wary that what they say might not always be true, he tell you when and where, and also let you know if they offer him gifts.

I’d be mostly worried about manipulation, if they are that way inclined. Putting ideas in his head, using him to glean information about you, bribing him with gifts…next thing you know they’ll be taking him on holiday! As someone with a classic narcissistic mum, I don’t think you can be too careful at all.

Contradicting yourself here. If they are to keep this ‘adult mess’ away from DS how is he supposed to know their views and decide whether he wants their company or not ?

The OP and her DH do not want their son to have contact with grandparents with such disgusting racist and ableist views, particularly as one terrible ableist slur was targetted at their own disabled daughter. This is the sort of 'adult mess' that he should be kept away from. I cannot imagine that anyone knowing their views would enjoy the grandparents' company.

I wouldn’t be entertaining this at all - and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone
I am NC with my parents and there is not a chance I would let any of my DC be manipulated again and I have tried this in the past with disastrous outcomes. Luckily for me my eldest can now see how rotten my so called mother is and wants nothing to do with her
Only you know what they are like and you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone and going NC is so hard and many just don’t understand

Don’t burden your son with the adult mess. If he enjoys his gp’s company, let him continue without the sneaking to do it. Do ask him not to carry family business to the gps. Otherwise, let him be a happy teenager without being in the middle of family drama.

I hardly think that the grandfather referring to his grand-daughter, i.e. the 15yr old son's sister (who has cerebral palsy) as a 'sp*z' can be brushed off as just 'different generations having different views on things' and it isn't lovely that their son wants to see these grandparents (although hopefully he would change his mind if he knew what they had said about his sister).

I let my DS visit his DGPs when I was NC.

Not read the full thread but even before I got to the s* slur (which made me gasp) I was 100% on your side. Yes, he's 15 and old enough to make his own decisions but your house, your rules. And as he's old enough to make his decisions he's also old enough to know the full details.

Absolute bastards.

Getting DS to keep secrets from you is a major red flag firstly, it's very manipulative. After reading your posts I think you should have a chat with DS and explain to him exactly why you went NC. Then, he can make up his own mind. I'd be absolutely fuming in your place btw.

You need to rectify this.

You didn't go NC for no reason. Sometimes you have to stand as a family against cruel behaviours against a minority of you.

Hopefully your DS will understand once he knows how awful MIL has been you and his sister.

I'd also be wary of what she is saying to him when they meet. I'd bet she's attempting to poison him against you.

Hi. As an adopter, I know that many adopted kids secretly connect with birth family and there is little that anyone can do about it. Often these kids are getting into really dangerous situations but the pull is strong and services rarely intervene.

And in your son's case, he too is making a choice. I know you don't agree with it but he will be making all sorts of choices of his own soon.

The general advice to adopters is to prioritise the relationship between then and the young person. Often the contact with birth family fades - the curiosity has been satisfied and there is no deep connection.

Imo you should do the same. Be there for him while he explores this part of his family. Trust that it won't last - when he finds out what they are like he is likely to have second thoughts. Don't make him choose. And don't get involved with the GPS.

Have they tried to meet up with SIL & BIL children ie your nieces/nephews

I have no contact with my biological mother due to abuse both long term of my sister and I and toxic behaviour around my eldest.

When she was about 13/4 my grandma (who we had limited contact with as everything said to her was passed back to my BM), started sending guilt tripping messages to my teen about how my BM missed her etc and that my grandma would arrange for them to get together.

I changed my Dd's phone number as I didn't appreciate the underhand nature and told her she was old enough to make her own decisions about relationships but I wasn't going to accept sneaking around. That if she wanted to see X then be upfront and do it in a public place (she'd experienced her abusive behaviour so wasn't totally in the dark). I also went and had a conversation with my Grandma explaining that she could chat or message my dd whenever she liked but not trying to be a go between for a relationship with an abusive adult. My DD is mid 20s now and still had no contact with her Biological Grandmother but sadly it's also tainted the relationship with her great grandmother so it's letters, cards, odd phone calls/visit as she proved not to be trusted. I wish it were different as I care deeply for my grandmother but she doesn't know our 11 year old as she can't be trusted to keep them safe.

What a shame all round. Different generations have different views on things.
i find this lovely your 15yr old son wants to see his grand parents. Sneaking and secrets is not the way, but I think this is about all they are possibly left with.

If you and adults want NC this is your decision, but your children may want contact and I wonder if this is something you need to compromise a mutual way to avoid secrets, even if this is the best interest for your DC first and foremost.

I agree. Age is not an excuse for racism which should alway be challenged.
I am 60+ as are most of my friends we do not have racist or anti immigrants views. And I feel extremely offended by the implication that most older people are racists because they know no better!

I looked up average age of Reform voters and it's 56, therefore many older and younger.

Three quarters of Tommy Robinson supporters are under 35.

How did the chat with your DS go?

Unfortunately you can only talk to your ds and remind him secrets are not ok and anyone asking him to keep a secret or makes him feel like he cannot be honest, is not a good person.
My oldest children have communication with their grandparents but I don’t. I don’t stop them. I am open and honest about why I don’t have contact. Don’t force your child into choosing. And don’t make them stay away, unless the grandparents are physically dangerous.

When we were kids an aunty (my DF sister very much split the nephew/nieces as to who she would see/ignore.
After receiving a very generous birthday present my DM had a word with me as aunty had ignored my brothers birthday (only the girls got gifts).
She had been warned it wasn't acceptable and it was either all or none.
My DM asked if i was OK handing the gift back and ofcourse I was, I hated the fact my brother was being treated badly.

Does your DS know these events with his sister have taken place? Does he know that this behaviour is one of the reasons you went NC?
Secretly meeting up, he will be getting THEIR side of the story which will definitely be how unreasonable YOU and DH are being.
Personally i would tell him the reasons, maybe not all the gorey details and say you'd rather he didn't meet up because of these reasons but if he does it can't be in secret. Also stress how unacceptable it for his GPs to be asking him to lie for them.

Your PiL will have been loving the fact they were getting 'by you' without you realising. Bringing that into the open will take away their power!