NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

Punishment for lying about his wherabouts, not punishment for seeing GP.

I've been nc with my mum for about 8 years now but always gave my children the choice whether to see her or not. DS (29 now) sees her quite regularly but DD1 (27) and DD2 (22) don't. My only stipulation was that DS made sure she didn't bad mouth me to him, which she inevitably did, so he had to tell her he would stop seeing her if she carried on. Anyway, in your situation, and the fact MIL wasn't interested in your DC previously, makes me think that she'll soon lose interest. She seems to only be doing it to get at you, and if she thinks that's not working, she won't want to make the effort. I understand it's difficult though.

MN have hidden my response, because I used the pejoritive. So I'll try again.

Exactly. 'A spastic' is not a medical term for a person with CP. Your child is not 'a spastic' nor, even worse, is he the pejorative 'a sp*z'. No-one of my generation should be using those nouns for a person, even if they did in the playground when they were 7.

Right. He is not 'a spastic', or even worse, a pejoritive 'spaz'.

Presumably you wouldn't be impressed if a close relative who's supposed to live him, referred to him as 'a spaz' to a neighbour. And no-one of my generation should be doing so, even if they used the word in the playground when they were 7.

My sons Cerebal Palsy is described as Spastic Cerebal Palsy due to the muscles spasms that he has. So yes it is a medical term. That said, no it isnt a noun.

It's not acceptable medical terminology for someone with Cerebral Palsy. And it's not a noun.

Why would you hide this important part from him, he's not five.

Any adult who told my child to keep secrets from me and DH would not be seeing my child again. Tell your son everything.

Does your son know why your NC?

We're NC with one set of adult siblings and our 15yo knows exactly why and hasn't ever expressed a desire to meet them. I doubt he ever will. He might have a fleeting wish to meet cousins but uncle and aunts actions are too despicable in his eyes (and any sane person's eyes).

15 is an ok age to share why.

The word spastic is a medical term a disruption in muscle movement patterns causing certain muscles to contract all at once when you try to move or at rest. It’s acceptable medical terminology.

Telling your son to keep a secret is manipulation of a child and a future risk to their well-being; it's psychological abuse. You can refer yourself to welfare services and seek advice. I would be looking for a restraining order. They have no rights. They are using your child for self gratification, not because they love him. If they loved him, they would care about him not lying to his parents.

That is absolutely tragic.

It's so needlessly cruel to withhold access like this.

Children do need their Dads {I'm a divorced woman} - Denying access IS all about control, often a woman's anger at her partner leaving.

''You aren't seeing your Dad because I say so!''

{Wanting to hurt the other parent}

Yet the child is so often hurt, too.

Mediation and counselling ought to be the way forwards, but I have heard that often it's just a screaming match if people haven't learned to communicate effectively beforehand.

It was a very happy ending for him and his Daughter, but it was the Daughter who sought him out- she really missed her Dad in those intervening years.

In a relationship split, especially where children are involved, it's unfair to deny access to a parent {or grandparent} out of malice.

Yes awful. I'm involved in a situation where this happened to a young man and his son. No contact, court dates missed, lies told, frustrating contact and parental alienation. All for control.

The young man has just died, his ex wife’s first words when I shared the news with her were - ‘did he kill himself’. She is wracked with guilt.

People should communicate and work through situations, rather than damaging others through NC.

Well I think you need to be completely transparent with your son, invite the BIL & SIL round and all be transparent… but you need to tell him that if he still wants to see them then that’s his choice, but you’ll be dropping him there and picking him up each time or they collect him and drop him off to yours…. Get DH to text his parents and say actually he’s happy they’re paying an interest and if DS still wants to see them then you’re both thrilled but contact must go through you and you’ll drop him off and collect at arranged times..
If you try to stop this they will make you out to be the controlling ones, turn him against you…. They will be using him to hurt you, this has already started by them seeing him and telling him to keep it secret…. What reason did they give him to keep it secret?!… you’d go mad, or you’d do something ?!?!?… it would’ve been something to both manipulate him and demonise you!!! So @AlliBali it is crucial you are the reasonable ones!! It’s important that he sees you as appreciable… so let him see things for himself.
you never know though, once the visits are supported / encouraged the grandparents might back off anyway…everything they do to wind you up, smile and thank them imstead rather than complaining!!
literally do the opposite of what they’d want/expect you to do

@AlliBali The best thing you can do is text back and tell her it's fine. You would rather have known, is all. Tell your son the same.

You say your MiL likes the last word. Well that will take the power ouf of her.

I expect she will start dropping off from seeing your son once she knows your saying it's fine. Her power will have gone.

Tell your son just to tell you the truth in future

All you will do is push your son away. He should be able to see them if he wishes
And secrets are bad- this is where he feels he cannot come to you about anything.

I agree & it can destroy lives.

And lack of legal pathways for contact even with very good parents are not unusual because no one is going to punish a resident parent for denying contact, so even if there is an order if mother in your case didn't want contact to happen it won't. Just incredibly sad and no real answer, although a good ending for your friend though

I read your responses OP and sorry if I missed it but when you went NC, was that communicated to the GPs? I understand you were low contact prior.

I think if the GPs were told it is NC, then they would have felt defensive and retaliated by going behind your back. If they were left low contact, maybe nothing would have come from this. By making a stance, this is the card they had to play and they used it. Now your DS is caught in the middle.

I think like some say, there is the issue of keeping a secret and your DS didn’t want to share he was meeting them. This is a huge problem and maybe the first step to address before the second one of seeing GPs. At 15 years old he is old enough to hear every detail.

GPs sound awful by the way.

In my experience, the younger generation are good at shifting the older generation's thinking.
He might be the reason they finally change their ways hopefully.

Also, most of us were treated differently to how the parents treat the grandkids, as if they have a shift in mindset.

Guessing you've brought your son up well and he would challenge their behaviour if still doing it in front of them.

Agree with others who've said your relationship with them is separate to his, as hard as that may be.

Don't use him to get one over them if he says they're good to him.

Your ds is old enough to form his own opinion. If you’ve brought him up to have good values and morals, I can’t see that he’s going to be turned into a racist, intolerant boy by spending time with them. He will come accross many people with different views and values as he goes into adult hood, if not already, and you just have to trust he will retain his own values and principles.

I get that this is really frustrating and annoying for you. It sounds like they’re being emotionally abusive and I know how toxic that can feel.
But I agree with others, please don’t put him in a situation where he has to choose, it’s not fair and it’s a bit hypercritical.

As he gets older you can explain why you made your choices, but its really got to be up to him.

@oakleaffy I think you'd be surprised how many people in the real world simply have no contact with family members, and with good reason too. It's not a new or recent thing.

They sound delightful people but I think telling the child they can't see them would just make them do so more. My parents wanted me to go no contact with my nan, I was about 14 years old. I got really upset and angry about this and ended up making contact with her. I saw her regularly when I was 16, however I eventually saw the kind of woman she really was and I stopped contact by myself. If my dad had insisted on me.never seeing her I would have thought he was really unfair and I would have gone against him.

Like everyone else I don't think you can do anything other than tell your DS what has gone before, including what you FIL called his sister, and ask him what he feels about that.

However, what also bothers me, is that knowing that you are NC with his GP's and wouldn't approve of him seeing them, he has chosen to lie about where he's been, and who he's been with. This doesn't bode well in my opinion, about how he would behave if his peers encouraged him to do things that he knows you wouldn't be happy about, and I would certainly be worried about his decision making skills.