NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

A question for those that want to punish the boy for lying.
Do you not understand the power that this will hand over to the GP's?

We had undermining grandparents from the off - so our kids had to learn from young ages what we said went and we didn't care what DGP were giving permission for - they knew where their parents stood and if they choses to go against that they were in trouble.

Did same when DS fell in with a bad crowd - didn't care what they got away with or what they said - he knew right from wrong and his actions were what we were concerned with.

So even lying to us even with others connivance was an active choice they were making and one they could be punished for - they couldn't blame others for their behavior. Though most of the punishment would be really stern talking to - making it clear we were extremely disappointed.

However the OP knows her son and the relationship they have better than anyone on here - so if making it clear he wasn't in trouble for lying was way she felt was best and to keep focus on why NC - I don't think anyone is in a position to second guess her and it does seem to have worked in that her DS is asking questions of other relatives.

The expectation is that normal grandparents will love their grandchildren. These grandparents seem to have nothing but contempt for their grand-daughter with disabilities.

One would also expect that grand-parents have more emotional intelligence and compassion than a group of kids in the playground.

You set a very low bar for these grandparents. Their son now has all the facts and can make his own decision.

Agree.

The BIL should have called the GPs out when they used that term.

Seperate to OP, seems everyone is quick to go NC for the slightest thing.

There are genuine cases of course, but a lot jumping on the band wagon.

Welfare services are stretched as it is.
He's 15, old enough to decide to see them and 16 in less than a year, when he could go NC with his parents if he chose to.

This is peak age of 'know it all' and would drive him further away.

Yep. Who are you? The internet police? He will hear worse in the playground than from his grandparents.

I know, I'm a grandparent who tried to continue seeing our grandchildren, in the end it felt like no-one actually cared enough to help keep the relationships in tact. I'm hoping for a positive outcome one day too.
Yourself friend & his DD is a success story, they can now make up for lost time

Was the sister who went with him for the dinner, your DD with CP? Did BIL spell out why they went NC, and tell of the sp*z reference?

Good that he asked BiL questions too, he's starting a reframing of the situation now he has more information, it may take time, but I think you've done all you can for now unless he comes back to you for more questions. I think you did a really good job.

@AlliBali , well handled.

@AlliBali well done- you have handled it very well

Did you bother to read any of the OP’s updates before you posted ?

This. All day long.

A question for those that want to punish the boy for lying.

Do you not understand the power that this will hand over to the GP's?

They will be able to turn this in to the OP not trusting him and wanting to control his movements by treating as a child.

If the OP has a sensible sensible adult conversation and and treats him like a adult (even a young one) she will be able to make sure that her DS feels valued and able to make decisions.

@CatherineDurrant excellent post, particularly after the horse has bolted :as is the case here

Op this sounds like a good way forward and simultaneously arming him with information.

I would also strongly consider telling him what narrassitc personality disorder is as well. Narcs usually want to win at all costs.

"DD has cerebral palsy. The final straw was FIL calling her a sp*z."

Yes this is ignorant and nasty. It is to be hoped that DS will see this as a reflection on the grandparent, not on his sister who he will know as her own person. Hopefully he can learn to make his own judgements about people who think and behave like this towards others.

Agree with this. He needs to know

1. He shouldn't lie about where he is and who he is with

2. If he wants to continue a relationship with his GP you won't stop him

3. Any adult encouraging a child to sneak around, keep secrets from and lie to their parents is unlikely to be a good person

4. The reasons behind you going NC, that they were unkind, made racist amd disablist comments including towards his sister and you wanted to protect your family from that

There is also the possibility that he may not care about his sister being referred to like that. I had a cousin whose 2 nd child had CP. His brother detested him and called him all those sort of names.

He felt that the sibling has ruined his life and was ultra embarrassing

I think at 15 he is more than capable of having a conversation with you about your reasons for not being in contact with PIL. I would keep it factual and calm. Tell him what they said about his sister. Then let him make his own decision.

Sorry it did make me chuckle that he says he's seeing his friends but sneaking to see his grandparents 😅 most 15 year olds it would be the opposite! I would say you need to have a very open conversation with him about what's happened and why you don't speak to them anymore. Arm him with the facts and then let him make his own choices!

Talk to him openly about why you made the decision to go NC (and that you wanted to protect your family from people who held views and behaviors you consider to me abhorrent) and then let him continue to visit as long as he tells you about it and make up his own mind if he wants to see them or not. It sounds like they manipulated quite a sweet boy into feeling bad for them and the best remedy is transparency and trust in him. If he does want to see continue, they will probably make even more effort for a bit and then both they and he may be less interested after the first few times when it is no longer forbidden fruit. I would also explain to him why you need his help to protect the younger siblings for the moment as they are too young to make the same decisions yet.

I'm sorry, this is a horrible situation.

Strictly speaking, GP have no rights, either morally or in law. GP are welcome to make an application to the Family Court to have contact, just like everyone else. It doesn't mean they are going to get it, which is, also, just like everyone else.

Contact is all about the welfare and best interests of the child when an application is considered. GPs endeavour to demonstrate this and without significant reasons to the contrary, contact may well be granted. However, the age of your DS would mean however that he can pretty much decide for himself who he sees, so here's where your solution lies.

I suggest you have a sit down with DS and explain a few things:

I assume he doesn't understand their politics and the implications, their behaviours and treatment of his parents, sister and uncle's family. Spell it out.

I would also bring BIL into it to help underline the position that his GP are using him to hurt and punish his family because they stood up against the GP's overt abuse. They knew full well that it would just be a matter of time until the secret meetings came to light. The implications aren't great.

Finally, I would be clear that it is possible to love your GP but not respect their politics and behaviours. Unpalatable, but the way to do this is for DS to see them with your blessing. DS is going to see them anyway, but this way you put a stop to the secret-keeping, endorse his feelings for his GPs but simultaneously give him the awareness to recognise poor behaviours for what they are.

You can be emotionally attached to and respect the role someone has had in your life but not respect what they stand for or how they behave towards others. How your DS navigates this is now his journey. I didn't enjoy typing that any more than you've just enjoyed reading that, believe me.

He sounds old enough to be told why you all don't speak. Tell him.

You are being very controlling. Is your issue that your son is acting outside your control and making his own (sensible) decisions? He wants to see his grandparents. If he sees them freely and is not at any risk of harm there, then you have to let go otherwise you might lose him too.

The grandfather did not use that word and as previous posters have pointed out, it isn't a noun. It isn't a word that is used today to refer to people with cerebral palsy.

The word that the grandfather used to refer to his grand-daughter was 'sp*z'. Are you trying to defend the use of this word?