NC Parents Secretly Seeing Kids

And @YellowAsteroid did you guys not read the thread???

FIL called his DGD a spaz because she has cerebral palsy. And they are racists.

This is why the NC is in place 🙄

Explain to your DS why you decided to go NC, tell him everything, he's old enough & let him decide what he want to do. If the Grandma likes to have one up on you then by you knowing & allowing him to see them, you've taken control of the situation so she might lose interest in seeing him now that it's not a secret anymore.

This is a really good point.

I've been through this whole scenario and much worse. Unfortunately this is more about your in-law's manipulation tactics and less about your son, who is after all only 15 and susceptible to this manipulation. They should have been upfront with you about wanting contact with him and had some difficult conversations with you and not be sneaking around. It will take time, possibly many years, but your son will start to see through them. Unfortunately a lot of damage can be done in the meantime.

But at no point did I say that medical terminology does include calling someone with CP a ‘spastic’. I was simply pointing out that those medical terms are still used in reference to certain effects and symptoms. Absolutely no offence intended.

There does seem to be a long back history of this sort of thing in OP’s situation though - this was possibly the last straw. To be honest if I knew my parents had talked about my disabled daughter in these terms I don’t think there’d be any coming back from it. They obviously consider her in some way inferior to their other grandchildren because she has the condition. Even without the deeply offensive slur used, that would be difficult to get past.

I know - it actually makes it worse doesn’t it ? Hearing this type of slur from kids in a playground is one thing. Hearing it from your own family who are supposed to love and protect you is quite another.

The OP has

And that makes it ok??

Jeez

I would tell him the full story.
He needs to make an informed decision.

Be aware that your in-laws have now had months to feed him their version.

I haven't misunderstood your post. I think you misunderstood mine. Maybe I didn't make it clear. I understand the proper use of spastic and spasticity, as I used it for 20 years in my professional life.

My point was that medical terminology does not include calling a person with CP 'a spastic'.

You’ve misunderstood my post. Can you please have a look at my more detailed answer upthread to another poster concerning this. The terms ‘spastic’ and ‘spasticity’ are still current, acceptable medical terminology - not used as a noun, but as an adjective to describe the muscular effects of neurological conditions including Cerebral Palsy.

How on earth can you use the word without intending it to be insulting, given that it’s a deliberately derogative term derived from the old name for CP ?

I’m disabled myself - I have Spina Bifida, so why would I defend one of the worst ableist slurs that should have been consigned to the bin long ago ? Show me where I used it as a noun or even intimated that it was currently a word used to describe Cerebral Palsy ?

The poster I was answering said that the term ‘spastic’ was still acceptable medical terminology when she was younger. I was pointing out that it still is. And to be clear, not as a noun - but as an adjective to describe symptoms associated with damage to the brain, spinal cord or motor nerves, and is seen in individuals with neurological conditions, such as Spina Bifida and Cerebral Palsy.

The words ‘spastic’ and ‘spasticity’ are used in current medical terminology to describe to the disruption to the muscles, and they appear on medical reports - they’re used in several of my own. The slur the grandfather used was an insulting derivative of those terms. That specific slur was the reason that the word ‘spastic’ was replaced by Cerebral Palsy, and that the spastic society was renamed ‘Scope’. Clear enough ?

I would say at 15 he's entirely entitled to make his own choice here if he wants to have a relationship with them. You can still be no contact , but unless there is Safeguarding issues I'd keep out and support you 15 yr old. If they are terrible people dc will see this for themselves

I have heard the word used by older people (older than I and I'm in my seventies), in more recent times. They haven't learned that it is not now used but they need to step out of their boxes and take note of how society has moved on with language. It's up to younger people to tell them.

However none of them used the word with the intention of being offensive and insulting the person with cerebral palsy.

The op's parents-in-law do, or did, and disregard their granddaughter which I think is dreadful.

I consider myself to be very rational and the last person to overreact to behaviour. If anything I'm prone to being too forgiving.

But if their grandparent said to a neighbour about my child:
"...not the sp_z one though, that's David's, it's the two normal ones today" that would be the end of our relationship.

How harsh do you think the word ‘sp*z’ would sound coming from your own grandparents ?

Nope. No policing. Just genuinely surprised that anyone who had read and understood the OP and her updates could post as you did. The decision to go NC was for a very good reason. Her daughter has cerebral palsy and ‘sp*z’ is a derivative of the medical term Spastic - just about the worst thing you could call someone with CP, and it’s use as a slur was the main reason why the name of the condition was changed. Hearing it used in the playground would be bad enough (surprised you think it’s acceptable in this day and age to be honest) but your own parents using the word, and in such disgusting terms against your disabled child is utterly inexcusable. You referred to his decision to continue to see his grandparents as ‘sensible’. I wonder if he still thinks that way now that he knows the truth about them.

At 15, the boy is also entitled to see what relatives he wants to see. 🤷‍♀️

Definitely this!

Bloody hell! They really do sound like a piece of work! I am pretty convinced that the reason your son is seeing them is because they have initiated this to get at you and your DH. They see it as a challenge and they know it will upset you and so I should imagine they are doing this for all the wrong reasons and actually probably couldn’t care less whether they see your DS or not. The name they called your DD is absolutely unforgivable, what nasty people! Although your DS is old enough to make his own decisions in terms of who he sees, hopefully in time he will see that their views on not aligned with his or yours and he will eventually distance himself from them and you will eventually win out. I would just bide my time, say nothing to the grandparents as by raising it with them, they know they are getting to you but by all means expand on the reasons why you have gone NC to your DS in a calm and unemotional manner, if you think it would help. I wish you all the best.

Really? Have you RTFT? "Grandad" referred to his disabled Granddaughter as a "sp*z". You'd be ok with that would you?

I'm baffled that you think that prohibiting contact is unnecessarily harsh on the OP's kids given what FIL said about his own disabled grand-daughter.

They use racist slurs openly, they have an pretty toxic view of people on low incomes. The language they use to describe migrants is not at all acceptable.
While I don't think there's any issue with physical harm I don't want my kids to spend time with people with those kind of views.

Honestly i think you're in the wrong here. While their opinions may be unpleasant, prohibiting contact is unnecessarily harsh on your kids.