Am I being selfish?

Thank you @SensibleSigma

I know it's easy to say just leave but this is the practical support I need. I was just feeling very sad and lonely today and wanted unbiased opinions.

My family are very supportive but obviously have no time for him.
My DS has struggled a lot over the last few years and is only just getting to be happy, I don't want to slate his dad to him, as much as I'd like to it would only hurt DS.

I just feel like I'm too old to start again? Please let that be a warning to you younger mumsnetters that feel that should wait until the children are older. It gets worse, do it now x

This is where I need help. Not a lot of equity in the house.
No way I could buy somewhere else, even renting would be astronomical.
Children living at home. I need to get a job, but I'm 54 years old. I've also really let myself go since coming out of hospital. I need a kick up the backside to try and find an exit plan. He has already worn me down, his dad did the same to his mum and she has given up.

I don't want to do that but I need help

Children are older, they know about the second one because that resulted in my hospital stay.
They don't know the circumstances leading up to it. They know their dad isn't perfect but say I'm not too.

Although he is very careful around them and I have protected them a lot. My daughter says that we just speak different love languages! But also her relationship with her dad is separate to my relationship with him and she loves him.

No family to stay with. My mum and dad don't have a spare room and my sister lives abroad. Before Brexit I could have gone there but too difficult now for longer than 3 months.

I get an allowance from him. I have no idea how much he earns, all bills paid by him.

I did work before my breakdown but only minimum wage. Used to have a good career before children but gave it up to be a SAHM ( could kick myself). Completely reliant on him.

Thank you for your replies, I'm sitting here in tears because he has made me feel like im being overdramatic.

I really can't leave at the moment. I have literally no money, or job. The fallout if I left now would be horrific. Him and his family already say I'm overdramatic and make everything about me.

I just needed confirmation from outside as my family are biased apparently ?

Hi everyone

Trigger Warning contains details of suicide

Also this is long and I just need to rant and keep a record of my feelings, so sorry.

Just coming back to this thread as I feel so low today.

After a long wait, husbands treatment is due to start. He has really been messing with my mind lately and I keep going over how he treated me when I was ill. I just wanted to get some opinions if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm justified in being upset?

I became very ill mentally after my DF nearly died. During that time I had no real emotional or physical support from husband.

As soon as DF started to recover I got really bad. I would wake up physically shaking, couldn't sleep or eat. I continued to work but when I got home I went straight to my room. I was a complete mess.

GP prescribed a/ds and these made me worse . To my shame I thought the only way out was to take an overdose. I explained to husband how bad I was feeling and his response was " well you better write your will and sort out your pensions."
I took an overdose and Husband found me.

Drove me to the hospital where he shouted at me for what I had done and asked why I hadn't taken all of the tablets.

Dropped me off at A&E and returned to pick me up when I was discharged later that day. Was very angry with me.

Whilst I was waiting for an appointment with a psychiatrist the crisis team phoned him and said that I wasn't to be left on my own and to get rid of any medication in the house. My sister came to stay and made sure that I ate and pushed for a quicker appointment.

Husband had just taken all medication and put it under the bed.

I really really thought I had no way out and took another overdose, much more than the first. My sister took me to hospital and stayed and comforted me. I never once got a cuddle from husband. In fact I only think he helped after (getting me into a private hospital) as my sister was so disgusted with his behaviour.

Things have been tense with him and my family ever since. He believes they are totally unreasonable and I should "get over it."

I am not going to be the person he is and not look after him. I'm just feeling sad today because my DD asked me to sit with her dad tonight because he looked so sad.

I know people find it hard around mental health but you could physically see how ill I was. I lost 2 1/2 stone and nobody seemed to care.

Should I just forget all this? I feel like I'm making everything about me at the moment? But I'm getting no support and I need to be strong to get him through this treatment.

@gapattachment im not scared of him physically. But I guess Im worn down with it.

He has this habit of winding me up and then I explode and it looks like im the one with the problem.
This used to happen a lot when I used to drink. So it was "oh she's had a few wines and is kicking off".

I think now it's just for a quite life.

I will give another example which happened recently.
So, I have moved into the spare room so he is more comfortable. This has his desk and computer in.
He had reheated a chicken curry and was taking up to the room to eat. I asked him not too as I have to sleep in there and didn't want food smells. He went absolutely ballistic, shouting and swearing at me.

The next day he moved the computer onto our dining table where it still is, making the room look messy. I was so upset about the way he had spoken to me. He came home later with a bunch of flowers and I thanked him. I was just about to say that I understood his short temper but it wasn't right how he had shouted at me.
He cut me off mid sentence and said "You always do this! I've apologised with the flowers and you still have to have your say!"

@Nanny0gg to a point but he is very careful when they are around.

A lot of things he said and done was when I was very ill. I don't want to tell them everything, it would only hurt them

@5128gap thank you, your reply is very helpful