Am I being selfish?

Now your husband is "out of the woods", health wise, this is the perfect time to start to focus on yourself.

Have a look at the Gov's 'Entitled To' website, which should give you an idea of any benefits you may be entitled to. Book a half hour consultation with a solicitor to find out how divorce would work for you. Start getting together copies of bank statements, any investments, pensions etc., and yours and the kids passports.

It's time to start getting your ducks in a row! Hopefully having something to focus on, and knowing that the light at the end of the tunnel is a life free from your miserable, mean, horrible husband, should be the best motivation there is!

I’m sorry op. He sounds horrible prior to being sick. You did what you had to do to give yourself peace of mind during his illness. You have paid your dues to him well enough. It’s time to give yourself peace that you deserve. Leave him and just know that he is manipulating you.

I'm really sorry to hear it's so hard. I don't know what you would be eligible for but I do think you need to make a break. Could you speak to a solicitor? How old are your children?

OK @Met44, one step at a time. Have you had a shower today? If not, go and have one. Fresh clothes, brush your hair and off out for a walk, even if it's just around the block. Get some fresh air and some physical distance from the house where all this stressful stuff happened yesterday. You need to clearly show yourself a line in the sand that that was yesterday, and this is today, and we're leaving the stress of yesterday in the past, where it belongs.

You'll feel better than you do right now.

Your relationships with your DM and DC will be fine, right now you need to concentrate on picking yourself up and moving forwards. You can do this, I know everything feels insurmountable at the moment, but just focus on making yourself feel less shit right now. Put a podcast or some music on while you walk, it should stop you from ruminating and help stop repetitive thoughts.

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm not going to drink tonight, and I'm not planning to drink tomorrow, but even after 12 years, it's still one day at a time. So, I will not drink with you today if that helps at all @Met44? Care to join me? No pressure if you're not ready, but I promise you life will only get better when you are. You will feel more in control and much more able to cope when things do go wrong (as they inevitably do!) with the added bonus of not having to deal with the disappointment of your DM and listening to those cruel taunts about your drinking from your "D"H.

You aren’t going to leave (I understand why).

I’d ‘separate’ (at least when the time comes) let G.P know and ensure there are carers put in place.

I’d be grateful for the silent treatment, by drinking you are playing into his hands. It looks likes you are being a drink around him when he has cancer, you are making yourself the problem. Don’t.
Stay out of his way as much as you can, it’s summer, go for walks, get out, take sandwiches if you have to. Meet friends, volunteer, get a job- just stay out of his way. Wait it out.
He won’t ignore you for long when he sees it doesn’t bother you anymore.

Do you usually have a good relationship with your mum? This is just a blip, you know you don’t have a drink problem, you drank, you vented, most people have been there. Speak to your mum and go there, maybe stay there a few nights a week if you can.

Just go. Tell your mum how desperate the situation is and that you really don't want to drink.

I agree with @tryingtobesogood. Call your DM and tell her you had a bad day yesterday, drank too much and it didn't end well. You're not proud of the drinking, but could really do with some love and support today, so could we park the alcohol issue for today, you're going to get it under control but today, you just need your mum. I know if one of my DDs asked this of me, I would be happy to help.

FWIW, I had plenty of occasions where I either ruined a get together or was embarrassingly indiscrete because I had drunk too much, and it became clear I was an alcoholic. It tool several lapses before I was properly sober and each time I had a lapse, I remember fearing the judgement of my DM over all others (even DH), so I really empathise. You'll get sober when you're ready @Met44, and once you do, I promise you many things in life will become easier and better, in complete contrast to the story you're probably telling yourself at the moment (Nothing will ever be fun without alcohol/I need alcohol because I'm stressed etc. and all the other rubbish I remember telling myself!)

I say this gently and with kindness. You have become frozen for fear of others anger with you. You are staying in a house where your husband is openly angry with you, and you will not leave for fear your mum will be angry with you. I am sure that if the two, your mums anger will come from a place of love and concern and once she has got over it, you will be in a better place than where you are now.

please please give yourself a break and go to your mums

I second @tryingtobesogood. Get up. Get dressed. Walk out of the door.

Get up, get into the shower and get dressed. Then go to your mums. Go. Just do it. I know it’s so very hard and everyone is upset with you but you really really need some physical distance between you and him right now.

please, please do this. Don’t sit in that room by yourself. Get up and get out.

He has been awful to you. The relationship is broken. It's hard because of the DC but they are not little children. Go to your sister's and begin to let yourself heal. You are not the person to care for this man through his treatment.

Aww OP it feels like you are stuck in this impossible situation where you cannot escape. But this is how well he's manipulated things to keep you trapped. If you leave, he's made you feel you'll be the one in the wrong and a total horror for leaving someone with cancer. But all this time and all the years before he's been treating you horribly and controlling you.

It's very clever he is using the cancer card as a surface level more visible "thing" to pull out like how could you leave etc. I know you're worried the kids will blame you in the long run, but he's just been pulling the wool over their eyes as well and they can't currently see what's really going on.

The only thing for certain in all of this is that if you stay with him it won't change.
But I really get that leaving feels so, so hard and impossible, as you have to deal with not just him but your kids' reactions (until they realise what he's really like).
He's beaten you down for so many years it's going to ~feel~ selfish to even consider putting yourself first, but everyone on this thread is not wrong, you do not deserve to be treated this way and cancer or no cancer it's not ok. He's kept you beaten down for so long it's hard to see it AND believe you can (or should!) get away from it.

No one can appreciate how things really are as every relationship and situation is different. But all I know for sure is you do not deserve this and you should not have to force yourself through this. If you make a big change e.g. trying to leave or even have a break, of course there will be pushback because you're showing some fight for yourself and some autonomy which has been beaten out of you mentally. But you have to try to work towards survival and allowing yourself to believe, even just a tiny bit at a time, that you deserve better and you do not have to just give up no matter what your age etc is.

I wish there was a way to help you see it because I know it will feel impossible to with how things are right now, and how your head must be feeling!
If you could try to get even a couple of days away from him it might really help gain some perspective on things and give you some breathing room to think. It's too hard when you're in the environment all the time and he can keep saying things to keep you feeling down.

I'm wishing you all the strength in the world to get some space and telling you you have to protect yourself. It is not selfish, you are not selfish and you ARE worth looking after, but you have to find a way to allow yourself to start doing that. You may have to fake it in your head to allow it, as everything in you from all the years of his behaviour will scream at you you cannot do it or that you will be this terrible person if you do. Tell those voices they are wrong, even if you don't buy it. Keep saying it in your head. Keep reminding yourself what people have said here. Just allow these ideas to be there for a bit. Hopefully in time they'll start to get noisier and let you take steps towards getting some of your life back, little bits at a time.

Oh love.

leave.
Stay with your sister. Stay with any friend who will have you and care about you.
He is an emotional succubus.

You need to leave and go and stay with your sister. Your H will be fine, there are other people who can look after him. The chemo probably won’t be that bad to begin with, and you will be stronger and more able to cope after a break.

your children will be fine, they can’t really be that naive about their dad surely.

put yourself first and have a break. It won’t make a difference, those that love you will understand and those who don’t - well fuck them.

sorry, edited as hadn't realised how long-running this is.

OP stay strong for yourself. Your "D"H can take care of himself.