To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

Exactly!

Yes thats absolutely what I was saying, can't make this shit up 🤣

You sucked it up for her brother but couldn't for her. The reason why she's miffed is obvious.

People with autism aren't a separate species, you do know that right? Why don't you click away if you don't like it.

Totally agree with this. (Speaking also as an Autistic woman with an Autistic daughter)

I booked three separate events for us last Christmas. All things we have done before. Ended up not going to any of them, as DD couldn't face them when the dates arrived. Can't be helped. Things she used to enjoy, she now can't tolerate due to fatigue, sensory overwhelm, and fluctuating anxiety.

It's part of supporting someone with Autism.

Completely appreciate that it must be more difficult having to also consider a second child's needs.

@djmaggie hit the nail on the hean IMO. This was my exact first thought too. Why didn't you take her when she was younger and wanted to go? Why does the brother get the experience when she loved it first?
5 years is a nothing age gap too so can't use that excuse.

DS had this opinion of JK Rowling but when I challenged he did his own research and concluded she wasn’t being transphobic but his opinion was very welcome amongst his friends - none of whom thought doing their own research was a good use of their time - easier to blindly judge.

Well she used to want to go now she doesn’t. She’s probably outgrown it, I mean it’s obviously not the sort of thing a teenager would go for.

Its because she overwhelmed at the idea/newness/anxiety or it. (Asd new thing, often an aversion to trips/the unlnown). Once she gets there she might be fine.

That's very black and white thinking.

I'm autistic and sometimes I look forward to things but then my tolerance for withstanding multiple noises at once, lots of people in busy places, the change in routine and the lack of autonomy really catch up with me and can make me do a 180°. Support needs fluctuate.

I would be really upset if my family put the value of a ticket or 2 above me expressing my current needs.

I do think you are being unreasonable.

No 2 autistic people are the same so your daughters needs and tolerances won't be the same as yours.

They can’t leave her at home, she has other disabilities and needs care.

Agreed!!

My dc were well into HP for several years, hit at 13 and 16 now, not so much.

Is she LGBTQ+ or even her friends and because of what JK Rowling has said doesn't want to be seen "supporting" her?

Yes, she must go - there’s no option really. She can sit in the café if she really doesn’t want to do the whole tour.

Could her recently found reluctance be anything to do with JK Rowling? She’s at an age of increasing awareness. Just a thought.

If you can find anything actually transphobic she has said or written there is a £million prize.

Which is not the same as being autistic yourself or living with two autistic children.

I don’t know what the answer is but I sympathise.

could the suprise (even well in advance surprise) element be part of the problem? For my son the lack of control that comes with a surprise makes it too much for him. When we are planning something he needs to be in the loop from the start. Like your daughter he has other care needs alongside his autism which means a lot of planning needs to go into trips which I think contributes to his need to be involved.

That was my first thought.

That happened to me a few times, and it hurt. Thing was in my case both he wasn't that bothered about it, and I was told I was too old and they couldn't afford tickets for us older ones too.

I also knew if I did go that the day would be round what he wanted to do and not me.

I don't think it was at all malicious, simply by the time my younger brother got to old enough, they had more money so thought they could do some of the things, and remembered things we'd longer to do and extrapolated to assume my brother would want to do them.

Wow aren't you delightful. No one forced you to comment on a thread involving autism. If you need to yell because someone points out you're missing context maybe you should click away next time.

Why don't you all go but tell her that once you get there that she can spend the time in the snack bar ( perhaps with a parent) whilst her siblings do the tour, my guess is that once she gets there she will be so fascinated by the "sets" she will enjoy it.

I do think there may be something to this - OP said DD didn’t want to go, but won’t tell her why. It could well be down to her feeling conflicted, and some discussion around it might help.

My horror at people suggesting she's too old. Whilst nearly 50 year old me looks at her wand and robes.... 😭

I think seeing as you can't leave her at home you should say you're all going and that's it. I'm sure she will enjoy it when she's there especially if she's been saying she wants to go for ages.
And like you say sometimes we go places for the sake of other people, she could pick the next day out.
Maybe she is worried about what it's going to be like? Crowds/noise etc?

I would ask her to give it a try and, if she's not enjoying it, one of you will take her out.

I'd also get her to choose the next day out before you go so it's clear to her that her preferences within the family are respected.