To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

Except that at no point has OP actually said that. Especially as DD has other disabilities and needs care. Autism is not about thinking you can rule the roost.

These teenagers really need to do some proper reading and research rather than jumping on the Terf bandwagon because it's been decided JK Rowling should be cancelled.

She's done an awful lot for women that people ignore.

sorry for the double post!

Absolutely and without a doubt my nearly 15 year old would be coming. We are a family and we all have to make sacrifices and do things that we don't want to do sometimes (which includes the 9 year old being dragged around superdrug with the older one) - it's all give and take.
I'd sweeten the deal by letting her choose the restaurant that we ate in (or take away or whatever) and make sure that i booked in an activity for her (that we all went to) to hammer home the point.

No-one is saying they are - what’s your point ?

One parent goes, with the son and a friend. The other stays at home. That's just what life can be like with an autistic child.

It can also be what life is like with a teen who thinks she can rule the roost.

Only OP knows her DD and she appears to be veering towards "you are coming, take a book and wait in the car" which is a very sensible approach.

Are your children autistic?

'I've said it twice. I'm also autistic as is DS. And without a good reason I'm not ruining our family day out by two of us not going. You think I'm unreasonable, but I'm not convinced that I am.'

Is your son's autism more similar to yours? It would explain why it's harder to relate to your daughter.

My DD is autistic and I took her to the HP experience as she was desparate to go. It was a disaster. She couldn't cope with the queues and the volume of people and we were in and out within 45 very expensive minutes. I would think long and hard about any sensory issues she has that might scupper the day. IME forcing a day out on a reluctant child with autism is chancing it big time. She's expressed discomfort about going but you want to disregard it. How do you think your daughter will feel about that?

Terf? (I had to google it) Gosh so many young, women hating, woke teenagers! If that was the case I’d worry for this world.

Thankfully I know this isn’t the norm around the majority of teenagers. I have teenagers and they are far too mature to use silly phrases like Terf. They and their friends are normal people who don’t unkindly label people that are supportive of women.

I would gently try to find out why she changed her mind, especially if she usually tells you things and HP has been something she was so much into for so long. Can she be worried of upsetting you or her sibling if she opens up about what really bothers her? She may not know how to say this, or how to describe what she feels. Is her upset really about the HP experience, or something else?

Also, I am really suprised by your comment that she always asked to go but you did not want to so you didn't - eventually changing your mind when they both asked, repeatedly. And that you know very little of, and take little interest in, both of your autistic children passion.

Which completely ignores the fact that DD has other disabilities which may be a factor, and that there may now be an element of sensory issues to her autism - crowds, being jostled, loud noise etc. DD wasn’t asked if she wanted to go - from what OP says, the tickets were bought as a surprise for DD and DS.

I'm going to hazard a guess that the autistic, wheelchair using teenager has realised she won't always be able to do what she wants and that the world won't always bend to her wants.

Well done your son. Well done to you for encouraging him.

Agree with this.

She needs to go as it’s expensive and there is no choice.

I’m not into HP but took the kids this summer. We all loved it. Im sure when she gets there she’ll have a great time.

That’s what I wondered too. I always think it’s best not to give in to that. A friend’s DD of a similar age was obsessed with a lovely but expensive dress; was bought it as a treat; and then had a friend go on about it being better to wear trousers - and refused to wear the dress. Teens need to be taught independence of thought and how to answer such purposeful criticism/comments that are often made from jealousy or simply to cause trouble.

I wouldnt force her, not sure why you are so against one parent going. You said you weren't keen to go, thats why she didn’t get to go at an age she would have enjoyed it. She probably feels resentful. Its not like she asked to go and changed her mind. Best thing is one parent go, see if can find another adult to go with.

In terms of your aibu, I think I'd err on the side of expecting her to go given the expense, the fact you think she'll enjoy it and the fact that not going means everyone will miss out (although if you do end up not going actually I do think one of you should still take DS).

I like another poster's idea to try leaving her with a piece of paper with some tick box options for why she doesn't want to go, or even a blank bit of paper and time to write down why. If she does tell you then review and address the reasons together.

Love how people on here are so adamant they know why when there could be any number of reasons and none of them really know her!

Well then follow her lead - she IS going, but you don't have to talk about it beyond that.

"Remember we are going to HP World on 5th October DD"
"I'm not going"
"Yes you are, we are all going. We leave at 10am. Shall we go for Macds or pizza after?" etc. Then she gets some choice in the day.

On repeat, so she knows the plan.

Keep it to the facts. You are ALL going, and that is that.

Don’t make a big thing of it but make it clear it’s a whole family outing. ”DD, I know you’re nervous but it will be great, I’m sure, and next time you can choose where we go for a whole family trip”

Sometimes questioning about ‘why’ can just entrench views, so don’t push that. Just be calm and matter of fact.

It could be she's mentioned the trip to a friend and the friend has gone OH no not Harry Potter and now your DD is conflicted between not going and not being seen as a JK supporter.

This is the sort of thing that might seem ridiculous to you but she might be really really worried about.

Can your husband not stay home with her and you take a friend of your son and their mum if you have one your friends with?

From a different angle, you could say it's unreasonable to put yourself through something you don't want to do, despite the fact it was initially planned as a family trip. Perhaps consider that if you don't want to go, and DD doesn't either, then maybe your OH take DS and some friends, and you stay at home with DD - or do something different as a girls day. That seems just as a reasonable as forcing everyone to go, just because that was how it was initially framed. Although equally it wouldn't be unreasonable to say to DD that she has to go because the tickets were booked and she said she wanted to go in the past, so that's why you booked them.