To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

You think a disabled teen who can’t be left alone because of her care needs sounds high functioning ? And that ‘bit’ of a disability involves the need for a wheelchair.

Great post. My autistic dd loved it. She found she could be herself and wasn’t judged. She wore her costume (she was 18) and it was one of her happiest days. We got an early slot so that we were first in to each bit so that helped with crowds.

This makes it even worse! DD’s birthday gift is something that she doesn’t even want, and that isn’t actually for her, it’s for her brother?

This may be the reason she’s reluctant.

I’m autistic and I think you’re being unreasonable.

You didn’t take dd because YOU didn’t want to go. Now SHE doesn’t want to go, she has to ‘suck it up’.

You’re being unnecessarily rigid about all of you going. You say you’ll be bored, so why don’t you just stay home with dd, or do something you’ll both enjoy?

Who will it ‘ruin’ the day out for if only two people go? Ds will have a lovely 1:1 experience and special attention, dd will feel listened to, and everyone gets to do something they want. Plus, all of you going may be ‘ruining’ something from your DD’s perspective.

I say this as an autistic person, but I wonder whether it’s due to your autism that you are struggling to shift your perspective, see her point of view, and change the original plan.

Give her ticket to one of your son’s friends and let her do whatever she wants.

As op has explained, and as the parent of an autistic child I understand, often the child with the most complex needs has a huge impact on their sibling(s). So it's not a case of a boy trumping his disabled sister's needs, it's op trying to do something she thought they'd both enjoy, particularly as her son's wants and desires are so often affected by her dd's complex needs. This is quite a well known issue for parents of SEN children (and we're often accused of not doing enough for the child with no or less complex needs).

However, I think there was a suggestion that one parent takes ds and a friend, the other stays home. Again, this is quite common with families of SEN children. That may be the only option. That way, ds gets his day out, without having it impacted by dd's needs.

Op, if it's to do with the trip there, can you try breaking that down with her. What specifically might it be about the trip - the length of the trip, the means of transport, how close people are, the noise, what? You clearly understand her very well, so what do you think she means by 'the trip'? I'd then see if I could reassure her/ make a plan/ a plan b/ do a dress rehearsal or something.

But the bottom line is, how will she react if forced to go? Will it result in a day of total emotional dysregulation, thus spoiling it for others? Only you will know her well enough to say whether it'll be worth the potential fallout.

This is true, a lot of autistic people in particular don't enjoy surprises.

I know loads of teenagers who still like Harry Potter. I work in a high school so come into contact with a lot of teens.

I work there and I can 100% assure you she will be taken great care off.

However I realise the issue is actually getting her there.

Could she be overwhelmed regarding the crowds etc. What time is your ticket?

This is what I would suggest if she will go

1. Phone call centre and explain the situation. She if they will change time to first slot or last slot. This way she will avoid as many crowds as possible. If that isn't poss then get there early or arrive later and do it that way. You will be allowed in.
2. We have staff that can enable u to skip queues
3. Loads of people wear sunflower lanyards or headphones. However if your dd thinks she will stand out she doesn't need too. You can still skip queues.

1. Loads of the staff are ASD or ADHD. I can't think why but HP attracts them 🤩
2. The staff are highly trained and have excellent customer service skills.
3. Loads of the visitors will also be ASD, again it's attracts them and is a special interest often.

My dd is autistic and I absolutely love seeing the kids arrive and they are so excited and hand flapping away Adults skipping etc. It's a beautiful sight 🥰

It could just be her age. My dd12 never wants to do anything with us unless it involves shopping but I will drag her along anyway and she always enjoys herself once she’s there. If it isn’t going to have any real negative impact on her then I would take her. As you said the worse she’ll be is bored!
Also I’m not normally soppy but you sound like a great mum!

Does she get anxious about 'the idea' of going to some places or doing some things that are completely new? DS often doesn't like the idea of change or some transitions. I would definitely take her whatever the case because I agree with you that she'll probably enjoy it once she gets there.

That's how most families work

Nope, not buying that either. It's a surprise is a poor excuse and many people don't like surprises.

OP could have asked before it was booked.

It was booked as a surprise for BOTH children because BOTH children liked Harry Potter! Of course she wouldn't ask first!

OP, if your daughter won't tell you what's really niggling her, I think the previous suggestion of writing down things you think it might be, together with an 'other' option that DD can then write on might be a way forward.

When push comes to shove, you're not able to leave her at home, so she needs to go with you all.

The JKR issue must be regional or something. All the teens I know and from what DC tell me the JKR thing is old news thanks to the kids getting older/more able to do their own research, and HP is still very much loved by everyone.

I can definitely see a change in the tide with youngsters I know, it's now uncool to be 'woke' and they all go along with it in school just to avoid detentions etc. but hardly any of them are on board with it anymore.

We do lots of stuff where one parent goes with one child but I don't call that a family day. A family day is all of us.

Why are you so obsessed with "a family day" ? You booked this "family day" with no prior reference to at least one member of your family.

She's 15 years old and can't be without her whole family for the day, that doesn't read high functioning to me. She's trying to advocate for herself but people are suggesting that she should be forced into a situation she doesn't feel happy about to make her little brother happy.

Maybe she's had a developmental growth spurt and feels too old for it now, or she might enjoy the fantasy in private but doesn't want to be seen that way in public?