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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD she has to come to family day out regardless of how she feels?

363 replies

Dawevi · 27/09/2024 22:21

For years DD15 was massively into Harry Potter and was desperate to go to the HP experience. DS10 is quite a few years younger than her and is now into HP and they have played HP games together, DD has dressed DS up, read him the books, etc, and so we decided to book to go as a family. We gave them the tickets months ago as a surprise and DD seemed underwhelmed but wouldn't talk to us about it. She's autistic so we thought she might just be overwhelmed.

It's now in a few weeks and she told me tonight she doesn't want to go. She hasn't really said why and won't talk about it.

AIBU to have told her that we are going and that's it? It's expensive, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy it or at least bits of it once there, and sometimes we just have to do stuff we aren't so keen on, in my opinion. I personally have never read or watched any HP and nor has DH, but I imagine we will find things to enjoy.

AIBU?

OP posts:
HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 29/09/2024 17:04

Your making a fool of your self @Sorenlorrenson

Lol. I'm off to the cinema. Byes

Sorenlorrenson · 29/09/2024 16:57

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HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 29/09/2024 16:44

Reported @Sorenlorrenson

Sorenlorrenson · 29/09/2024 16:41

10milliondollars · 29/09/2024 16:27

Maybe insensitivity skips a generation!😁

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Nope, maybe they are my kids, I took responsibility for them and brought them up to realise that their wants and needs are not paramount to everyone else's, you know, their family, the people they live with. Having autism does not make you the centre of the universe.

10milliondollars · 29/09/2024 16:27

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Maybe insensitivity skips a generation!😁

Sorenlorrenson · 29/09/2024 16:18

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HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 29/09/2024 16:02

@Sorenlorrenson
Please go away. Your comments are not helpful and you clearly have no understanding of autism

Sorenlorrenson · 29/09/2024 12:14

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Longma · 29/09/2024 11:09

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Original poster
Dawevi · 29/09/2024 09:16

Jumpingthruhoops · 28/09/2024 23:35

I still think this reads like you didn't take her in her Harry Potter phase, but are taking your ds. 10 is a usual age for that, while 15 is a bit old.

So do I.
Totally reads as: 'My 10 year old DD is massively into Harry Potter but I'll wait five years to see if her little brother is into it too.'
Five years later: 'Oh look, DS does love Harry Potter, so DD can finally get to go... oh, except now she's too old!'

OP, if I was your DD, I'd be thoroughly pissed off!

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Except those five years included a baby (DS), severe PND for me, Covid when no one could go anywhere, and then DD getting really ill, getting her diagnosis, me needing to fight for her health and education provision (which I'm still doing), so many hospital trips and overnight stays taking up our time and energy.

I wasn't waiting to see if DS was into it, we didn't do any big things out because of DD's condition, we are only now starting to and as THEY BOTH SEEMED INTO IT RECENTLY (shouting because some people seem to be missing that bit) we thought they would BOTH love it as a treat.

We might have got it wrong but there was no ill intent at all, no favouring of DS (if anything DD is prioritised in our lives and DS doesn't get to do lots of stuff because of his sister's condition), and definitely no intention of making DD go to something she wouldn't like - we genuinely thought she was still into it because she was playing HP stuff with DS and reading the books with him and talking to him about HP. I knew it wasn't her main interest (never has been) but she seemed to be into it still.

And she doesn't hate it, she's chosen a house for the trip (they ask you to), and will talk about the stories, plus she's told me she's been looking on the website at what's there.

OP posts:
10milliondollars · 29/09/2024 08:48

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@Sorenlorrenson do you have kids who are teenagers or older? Is this how you parented them?

Sorenlorrenson · 29/09/2024 00:14

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Jumpingthruhoops · 28/09/2024 23:35

Stompythedinosaur · 28/09/2024 08:28

I still think this reads like you didn't take her in her Harry Potter phase, but are taking your ds. 10 is a usual age for that, while 15 is a bit old.

If you don't want to go either, then why not stay at home with your dd? It isn't fair to blame your dd for not wanting to do an activity she wasn't consulted on. She isn't ruining the day out, you did when you booked without discussing it. I get that's not done with bad intent, but you shouldn't try to locate the problem in your dd just because it hasn't been received like you imagined.

I still think this reads like you didn't take her in her Harry Potter phase, but are taking your ds. 10 is a usual age for that, while 15 is a bit old.

So do I.
Totally reads as: 'My 10 year old DD is massively into Harry Potter but I'll wait five years to see if her little brother is into it too.'
Five years later: 'Oh look, DS does love Harry Potter, so DD can finally get to go... oh, except now she's too old!'

OP, if I was your DD, I'd be thoroughly pissed off!

alittleprivacy · 28/09/2024 23:20

Josette77 · 28/09/2024 21:47

I love how people are saying all teens hate JK or all teens are over trans people and like her.

All teens never agree on anything, anymore than all middle aged women on here agree on anything.

My partner and I love Harry Potter. He's trans.
The books and movies are iconic.

That said given you don't celebrate Halloween and don't agree with certain themes in Harry Potter is it possible she's picked up on your feelings towards it?

Nah, genuinely, it's a fashion change. It's really obvious in kids from 12-14 that I work with. It's just adults being stupid to them. It's like how when we were kids we questioned Santa, then went on to questioning all the other things we were taught, God, religion, social mores, etc. Teenagers rebel against things they are taught that don't make sense to them, it's basic human nature. They have spent their formative years being told something is true and now their brains hit a point where they not only have to question it, but mock it mercilessly if they turn against it. It's what's happening now.

And sure, it won't be 100% of all teens, Take That was all the rage when I was young and I hated them. But they still defined a huge part of the 90s British pop scene. The defining attitude of young teens to the trans fashion, is that it's a weird embarrassing thing that older people do.

alittleprivacy · 28/09/2024 23:13

mitogoshigg · 28/09/2024 22:05

Harry Potter is now very much not cool, the whole JK Rowling trans thing has made a generation who loved Harry Potter hate it in public at least, dsd loved it until 3 years ago now, worst thing ever. I suspect your dd was teased at school for excitedly saying she was going.

Try to say it's for her brother, perhaps good old bribery, something of her choosing afterwards. And most of all, promise to not put it on social media or mention to her friends.

How old is your DSD? I work with teens and this couldn't be further from my experience. Younger teenagers are utterly over the trans stuff. They consider it a weird out of fashion annoyance. JKRs stance on it genuinely doesn't enter their heads for one minute. They couldn't care less about it.

mitogoshigg · 28/09/2024 22:09

@Josette77

I know a lot of teens and young adults, publicly at least they don't like JK Rowling or Harry Potter. Never heard a single one nor any other aged people say they agree with her comments either. Mumsnet is not representative of the real world

mitogoshigg · 28/09/2024 22:05

Harry Potter is now very much not cool, the whole JK Rowling trans thing has made a generation who loved Harry Potter hate it in public at least, dsd loved it until 3 years ago now, worst thing ever. I suspect your dd was teased at school for excitedly saying she was going.

Try to say it's for her brother, perhaps good old bribery, something of her choosing afterwards. And most of all, promise to not put it on social media or mention to her friends.

Josette77 · 28/09/2024 21:52

DillDanding · 28/09/2024 21:21

Most people I know are huge admirers of JK Rowling.

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I imagine that's just related to your social group.

I know lots of people who love Harry Potter but dislike her.

I don't think it matters what " most people " around any of us think. There seems to be a need for people to not only express their opinion on either side, but then somehow prove they are right because others agree.

Josette77 · 28/09/2024 21:47

I love how people are saying all teens hate JK or all teens are over trans people and like her.

All teens never agree on anything, anymore than all middle aged women on here agree on anything.

My partner and I love Harry Potter. He's trans.
The books and movies are iconic.

That said given you don't celebrate Halloween and don't agree with certain themes in Harry Potter is it possible she's picked up on your feelings towards it?

DoreenonTill8 · 28/09/2024 21:40

Bumblebeestiltskin · 28/09/2024 21:32

That's because Mumsnet is full of TERFs

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Well mn is full of Sinead O'Rebellions who will shock you shock you with this deviant behavior of not being 'mummies who will bend and sway to demands,'...

Bumblebeestiltskin · 28/09/2024 21:32

DillDanding · 28/09/2024 21:21

Most people I know are huge admirers of JK Rowling.

Show quote history

That's because Mumsnet is full of TERFs

DoreenonTill8 · 28/09/2024 21:30

DillDanding · 28/09/2024 21:21

Most people I know are huge admirers of JK Rowling.

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All hail Queen JKR!

Harry Potter Rip GIF
DillDanding · 28/09/2024 21:21

Bumblebeestiltskin · 28/09/2024 21:16

This. Most decent people I know no longer want anything to do with HP because of queen of the TERFs.

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Most people I know are huge admirers of JK Rowling.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 28/09/2024 21:16

DoYouReally · 27/09/2024 22:49

Every teenager I know that loved Harry Potter now says JK Rowling is a TERF & should be cancelled. Even if you talk it out with them, they might agree differently but it's the teenager stance right now..

One of my nieces will watch the films in my house as she doesn't want anyone to know as it's really uncool apparently.

Might that have anything to do with it.

This. Most decent people I know no longer want anything to do with HP because of queen of the TERFs.

Rosscameasdoody · 28/09/2024 21:15

BIossomtoes · 28/09/2024 17:10

Why can’t she spend the day with a friend?

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Read the bloody updates. She’s got disabilities beyond autism and needs full time care - a wheelchair user too. As her mother, at that age there’s no way I would trust that responsibility to a friend.